Genesis Chapter 23-5

Genesis Chapter 23: 

Sarah the foxy entrapping wife dies at 127 years old and was foxy to her last dying breath. Abraham talks to the people of Heth about where he can bury her. They say anywhere because he's special and blessed and whatnot. Abraham decides he'd like to bury her in Ephron's field and Ephron lets him for 300 shekels. There isn't any arguing or entrapping or attempted son killing or plaguing. Things just happen without anyone invoking the wrath of God.

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Genesis Chapter 24: 

Abraham decides it's time for his son to marry because at this time this is something parents can do. He sends a servant to find his son a wife because people don't do their own wooing in this book, they get other people to do it. It's a lot like this website I saw where rich busy men can't be bothered to actually communicate with women so they get modern day servants to ghostwrite as the men to message women online for them. I'm sure this leads to healthy stable relationships in the future.

For some reason when Abraham talks to people he requires that they touch his thigh:

"Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh"

and

"And the servant put his hand under the thigh of Abraham his master, and sware to him concerning that matter."

The servant has some doubts about finding a girl willing to go all the way to Isaac; it's not that young women have a problem marrying strangers, it's the travel time. Abraham says not to worry because angels will take care of it. Angels always take care of it. The servant finally agrees after pinky promising with Abraham's thigh and ventures out to find a low maintenance virgin. The servant finds said virgin pretty easily by a body of water, she's very accommodating and trusting.

She takes him back to her family who immediately believe the servant that God wants their daughter to go off with this strange man to marry another strange man. Their one stipulation was for their daughter, Rebekah, to stay another 10 days with them to say their goodbyes. The servant says absolutely not because God's on a tight schedule. The family relents but it all works out because they get paid with jewels and sheep probably. The girl doesn't argue or have problem with any of this at all which tells you this was written by men. Clearly James and Jesus have never interacted with a teenage girl in their whole life.

Luckily Rebekah seems to like Isaac. When she sees him, she jumps off her horse very dramatically and presumably the wind whips her long locks of hair around while Isaac takes her in his arms and immediately to his tent where he gets to "know" her. Best funeral present ever.
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Chapter 25: 

Abraham takes another wife named Keturah because he's not going to let incredibly old age stop him from producing as many children as there are stars. Theres more begatting and I'm not giving you a circus story this time.

Abraham also has concubines because he is basically Hugh Hefner. He gives his bastard children gifts and sends them away from his one precious legitimate son Isaac.

Abraham lives to be 175 and was probably begatting and/or altar building down to his dying breath. His sons Isaac and Ishmael bury him with Sarah. After Abraham dies, God blesses Isaac because he likes to play mind games with brothers. There's some more begatting from Ishmael's side but nothing more interesting than that which is a shame because I really thought he would have more Robin Hood like adventures.

Isaac's special water serving wife Rebekah is barren. Some men like long legs or big breasts, but the Abraham family seems to have a thing for defective ovaries. Isaac gets in touch with God and God just fixes it without putting him through all the crap he did to Abraham to have a kid. Rebekah has twins which God says will be two nations. One will be stronger and the older will have to serve the younger. It's all very ominous.

The slightly older twin is Esau who comes out red "like an hairy garment." I do not pretend to understand this analogy. Jacob comes second holding onto Esau's heel. As they grow up, Esau is essentially the golden boy jock loved by his father while Jacob the mama's boy is the sensitive artsy one, making pottage. Think Thor and Loki.

One day Esau comes from the field and is faint and apparently dying? Sooo why was Esau on the verge of dying? What kind of family is this? Do their parents just...not feed them? It sounds pretty urgent. Esau asks his little brother to help him out and feed him some delicious red pottage. I guess that's...food? Jacob's kind of a dick and won't feed his dying brother unless:

"Sell me this day thy birthright."

See what I was talking about?

Why can't brothers just get along in this book? Is that the theme? I'm sensing that's the theme. Anyway Esau sells his birthright for pottage. I'm not really sure what selling your birthrate entails but it doesn't sound pleasant. The chapter ends with Esau despising his birthright.

Genesis Chapter 21 and 22

Chapter 21: 

God keeps his promise and helps give the 90-year-old Sarah fertility treatments until she gives birth to Isaac. Abraham keeps his promise and circumcises Isaac once he is 8 days old. Sarah gets really paranoid about Abraham's other son Ishmael "mocking" her new perfect family. She's kind of had it out for the slave girl Hagar, who she suggested conceive with her husband in the first place, because Sarah does not know what the hell she wants. She demands that Abraham send his own son and Hagar away. Two words: high maintenance. Catelyn Stark was a way better wife.

Abraham understandably has some qualms about sending his firstborn away. God tells Abraham not to worry and just give into Sarah's demands because that seems like the easier option. "You know how she gets." God will look out for Ishmael and make sure he gets a nation. God gives away nations like Oprah gives away cars.

Modern day God.

 Abraham sends Hagar and his firstborn off with a bottle of water and some bread off into the wilderness. If this were a fairy tale, Sarah would be an evil stepmother and Abraham would be the pushover father. Hagar's water bottle runs out and she figures they're doomed. She stashes little Ishmael under a shrub because she does not want to see him die a slow dehydrated death and why couldn't Sarah get turned into a pillar of salt?

God hears the cries of Hagar and Ishmael and sends down an angel:

"Hey Hagar? Hey. Open your eyes. There's a well like right in front of your face."

And with that, their lives are saved and Ishmael grows up in the wilderness and learns to be a kickass archer like Robin Hood. Ishmael also finds himself a wife and by that, I mean his mother does in a vague, questionable way that only the bible would throw in casually:

"and his mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt."

I'm going to pretend that "took him a wife" involved consent and personal choice for everyone involved.

Abimelech the last guy Abraham and Sarah attempted to entrap, allowed the possibly semi incestuous couple to live on his land anyway because he's just that kind of guy. Abimelech goes to Abraham and asks that he always deals fairly with himself and his future descendants. Abraham says "Sure, but what about your servants who took away the well I built? Abimelech replies: "Well, I literally just heard about this from you 2 seconds ago so how was I supposed to do anything about it if you don't communicate with me?" Abraham is terrible with communication. Abi agrees to fix the issue and the two make a covenant with animal parts because that's what you do. Abraham grows some stuff on the land in God's name and things are good.

Chapter 22: 

I'm just going to say it. In this chapter, God is kind of a dick. There it is. "Hey Abraham you know that only son you love so much? (*cough* Ishmael *cough*) That son that I promised you'd have so long as you served me for years? That son we all made such a big deal about? I need you to go ahead and kill him for me. Just cause."

And Abraham doesn't question God's wishes this time. He at least bargained with him a little bit with the Sodom and Gomorrah thing. He questioned God killing off the innocent along with the sinners. Not this time though. He just loads his son up on an ass and gets to doing some morning filicide. He tells Isaac that he needs to go worship God and make an offering.

 Isaac: "Hey uh, where's the lamb?"

Abraham: "God will provide the lamb."

Clever answer Abraham. God did provide "the lamb" didn't he? You people are sick. Here's another lego reenactment because these things exist:

by Brendan Powell Smith. all rights reserved "The Brick Testament" 
http://www.thebricktestament.com/home.html

Just as Abraham gets ready to knife his son up on the altar, God sends an angel.

"Woah, woah, hey just kidding. Didn't think you were actually going to do that. God knows you're loyal and fear him and stuff now."

God sounds a bit like a mafia leader. Gots to kill to show your loyalty. God makes a bunch more promises about the awesome plentiful seed Abraham is going to have now because he was willing to kill his son for him and I'm sure Abraham will get many "World's Greatest Dad" mugs to come, from the children he didn't try to murder.

Genesis Chapter 19 and 20

Chapter 19:

Two strangers roll on into S&G and Lot insists that they come inside. After being a few polite refusals they eventually agree and partake in some delicious unleavened bread. An angry mob comes to the door because Lot lives in a really bad neighborhood. The mob insists that Lot brings the strangers on out so they can "know" them. If you recall how Adam got to "know" Eve, it involves more than small talk.

Lot does the right thing and offers his two virgin daughters in place of the two strangers. This is where I begin a series of wtf faces because this chapter merits it.

He says the mob can do whatever they want to his daughters provided that they leave his two guests alone. Lot's logic is that these men are under his protection since he invited them into his home, under his roof. I guess the daughters were never really invited by Lot, perhaps they live in the barn and therefore do not get the same "under my roof" protection rights.

The mob kindly rejects this option and suggests that they will rape Lot and then go onto rape the two strange men. I guess they're just not into virgin girls. The men save Lot and create a blinding light so the mob cannot see the door to Lot's home. The men warn Lot that he need to get out of S&G and go to the mountain Zoar which sounds like something out of Lord of the Rings.

The weather report for S&G the following evening is a rain heavy with brimstone and fire. As Lot's family escapes, they are told not to look back at the destruction. Lot's wife naturally does the opposite because ovaries. She gets turned into a pillar of salt because when you don't do what Lord God tells you, shit happens.

The story then transitions onto what Abraham's up to which is exactly what Lot's wife is up to. He's checking out the destruction of S&G:

"And Abraham gat up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the LORD and he looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and toward all the land of the plain, and beheld, and, lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace."

Is Abraham a pillar of salt now? No? Why not? Because penis.

Now back to Lot who has moved away from Zoar because Lord of the Rings mountains creep him out. He goes and lives in a cave with his two daughters. No word on how he copes with his wife now being a pillar of salt.

The two daughters seem concerned that their father is old and no men will come for them. These virgin daughters seem eager to devirginize themselves which makes me think that Lot was really willing to sacrifice their virginity back in S&G because they were bound to do it at any point anyway.

The oldest daughter suggests that they make their father drink wine and "lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father." 

They get their father drunk with wine which is the date raping drink of choice in this book. The oldest "lies" with him and "he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose." The father is somehow clueless to this which...I'm just going to ask...how? If he's completely passed out just...how?

The younger daughter does the same thing the next night and the two get knocked up by their own father.

The older had a son named Moab and the younger a son named Ben-ammi and those babies go on to have more babies with...no consequences apparently.

So uh...no word on how Lot takes that...nobody turned into a pillar of salt? I guess Lord God didn't explicitly tell them not to date rape their father to get pregnant with incest babies? In fact the narrator doesn't seem to judge this at all. How am I meant to process this?! HOW?! When Noah was date raped, generations of decedents were CURSED to be servants. What was the consequence here? Who will get me through this?!

Chapter 20:

Abraham and Sarah decide to go on a holiday somewhere between Kadesh and Shur and get back to their favorite activity: entrapment. So they play the little "she's my sister" game so Abraham won't be murdered for his beautiful now 90-year-old wife. Sarah gets taken by a married man Abimelech because she cannot be resisted at any age. Abimelech has a dream where Lord God tells him he's a dead man for taking another man's wife. I'm not exaggerating: "Behold, thou art but a dead man, for the woman which thou has taken: for she is a man's wife." i.e it's not about taking women against their will; it's about taking another man's property. Abi is all "um what? I never touched her." and God's all "duh I made you not do that. I know you're a good guy. You wouldn't have taken a woman against her will and have non-consensual sex with her while being married yourself unless you thought she was single. Now go give that wife back or you're totally dead."

Abi gets up early and has a little chat with Abraham. "So uh why are you such a liar?"

Abraham: "I didn't want you to murder me like other heathens would for my wife. I didn't know you were down with G.O.D. Also I technically didn't lie. She's my half sister. We share a father but not a mother."

I'm not really sure if Abraham means this figuratively as in the shared father is Lord God or...if incest is just super popular at this time. George R.R. Martin has nothing on the bible.

Abi says it's all good and gives them a bunch of stuff and slaves and sends them on their way.

Genesis Chapter 17 and 18

Chapter 17: 

We're still hanging in there with Abram and all his wacky adventures. Now he's 90 years old and God talks to him about the kid thing again. He goes on and on about how his kids will be kings and rule nations so long as Abram does him a tiny favor: remove his own foreskin. God isn't really clear on why this is necessary but Abram doesn't ask questions because he's baby crazy. Anyone who wishes to be apart of the covenant with Lord God must participate in the circumcision party. Obviously this includes Abram's son Ishmael and any future male descendants of Abram on their 8th day of life. God gets a little witty explaining this:

"And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people...Get it? See what I did there?"

 So Abram's family gets to be in the covenant club so long as they remove their foreskin. No word on how Abram's slaves benefit who also have to get circumcised.

God thinks it's time for a name change to fit Abram's new foreskin free image. Abram shall now get an extra "ha" and is now Abraham. Sarai, his wife who was of course not asked because ovaries, is now Sarah. Abram is cool with all this up until the point God promises that Abraham's 90-year-old wife is going to give birth to a son because after everything we've read so far that's what's ridiculous. Build a giant arc to fit 2 of every animal? Got it.  Leave everything  you know and just travel the world forever. You betcha. Circumcision party? Oh I was thinking of throwing one of those anyway. An old lady giving birth? Now you've gone too far.

Abraham is in hysterics, literally falling on his face with laughter. God patiently explains that this is going to happen and doesn't bother to mention that this isn't the most insane miracle he's ever performed. If fertility doctors can do it, Lord God can do it too.

God likes naming things and tells Abraham that his first son with Sarah will be named Isaac and Isaac will of course be blessed and have lots of prince producing seed. God says this will happen next year. After their little chat, Abraham goes a circumcising. Here's a lego reenactment:

by Brendan Powell Smith. all rights reserved "The Brick Testament" 
http://www.thebricktestament.com/home.html

Chapter 18:

Lord God checks in with Abraham again in the form of three men but Abraham's a sharp guy and catches onto that. He invites them in and orders Sarah to make some cakes because Lord God has a sweet tooth especially when he's in the form of three men. God tells Sarah about the kid she's going to have with no mention of how painful that might be for a 90-year-old woman. Sarah laughs to herself with more discretion than Abraham managed but this still makes God super paranoid.

"And the LORD said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh[?]"

What's so fucking funny Sarah?

Sarah tries to be polite and claims that she didn't laugh. God calls her out on it and says she did.

Nay; but though didst laugh.

Apparently it's fine if Abraham laughs and doubts him but God is really bothered by the laughter of women. I think he might have some mom issues to address.
The men get up and go for a stroll. God's got a plan that he's not sure if he should let Abraham in on. He finally decides that seeing as he's picking Abraham and his family to rule nations, he should probably be honest with him. God's sick of Sodom and Gomorrah's sinning and crying. He's going to go check things out and if he doesn't like what he sees, he's going to lay down some of that good old testament punishment on them. Abraham has some qualms with this. Abraham points out that wiping out all of the people is unjust. What is there are 50 nonsinners there that don't deserve to die? Now I'm thinking that it might have been awesome if Abraham had been around during the time of the flood to speak up about the same thing; instead, we got Noah who basically shrugged that all off and drank a wine vineyard.

Here is where I would have put a picture of Russell Crowe shrugging, however, that picture does not seem to exist because Russell Crowe is not indifferent about anything.

God takes Abraham's point very literally. "Yeah okay if there is EXACTLY 50 people sinfree in S&G, I'll spare those innocent people."

Abraham: "Okay...yeah....but what if there's 45? Are you going to kill everyone just because S&G are 5 short of that hypothetical number I suggested?"

God: "Okay....if there's 45 sinfree people, I'll spare those 45 people."

Abraham: "Yeah so 45 was hypothetical too, what if there's 40 innocent people?"

God: "40 it is then."

Abraham:  "Okay I hope I'm not pissing you off but...30? What if there's only 30 innocent people?"

God: "Okay EXACTLY 30."

Abraham: "...20?"

God: "Right-O exactly 20."

Abraham: "10?"

God: "Alrighty I will not destroy S&G if there's exactly 10 or more nice non sodomizing people there."

Abraham: "Yeah fuck it. Ten's good."

Genesis Chapter 15 and 16

First off, sorry about the 2 week hiatus. It was a vacation thing so the laziness was justified. Second...off, remember how I kept complaining that there were no images of elephants playing scrabble in all of the internet? The internet? That place that has an extensive collection of images of snakes wearing hats, the place that insists that attractive men look like cats, yet this place has no sign of elephants playing scrabble? Well, Leslie O'Connor, a reader and presumably fan of the blog, remedied that situation. Here are elephants playing scrabble and they are glorious. The internet owes Leslie a thank you.

They're stressed out  because the loser gets sacrificed by Noah.

Now onto the the bible. 

Chapter 15:

So God's all "Hey Abram you've got nothing to worry about because I'm your shield. Like shield from the Avengers. I was really hoping that show would be better. I've never not enjoyed a Joss Whedon show before. 

God: He makes his followers suffer almost as much as I do.

Abram says that's cool and all but he'd really like some kids because altar making just isn't as fulfilling as it once was. And he really doesn't want his only heir to be their "servant" Eliezer of Damascus. By the way that was not at all clear to me with just the book: 

"And Abram said, Lord GOD, what wilt though give me, seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus" I had to look things up for you. I didn't know what a steward or an Eliezer of Damascus was. I'm ashamed to say I never knew what a steward was before. It's one of those words I've heard thrown around a lot in BBC period dramas and Game of Thrones and just never bothered to look it up.

So anyway Abram is whining to God about not having very good seed and God's all "Why didn't you say so? I can totally get you kids. See all those stars up there? That's how many descendants you're going to have."

Abram: "That sounds swell."

God: *mumble* "They're going to suffer for 400 years."

Abram: "Sorry, didn't quite catch that?"

God: "You're going to have like the biggest family reunions ever."

So God and Abram seal the deal with a bunch of animal sacrifices as per usual. God orders up a 3-year-old cow, ram, and goat (because 3-year-olds are delicious) a turtle dove, and a pigeon.  God is clearly not a fan of vegetarian. I don't think tofu sacrifices would cut it for him. You probably can't just go pull some weeds from your garden to show your devotion to God. The good news is, God likes pigeon so it's okay to wipe those winged rats out. 

He's doing this for the Lord. 

So Abram cuts up the 3-year-olds into halfsies for God, takes a nap, and a "horror of great darkness fell upon him." 

Now, God lets Abram know that when his seed grows up into people, they will be strangers in a land "that is not their's" and be servants for 400 years. No need to worry though, God's got this. He's going to look out for the chosen seedlings long after Abram's dead. 

Chapter 16: 

God neglected to mention some finer details of the deal. Like the part where Abram was not going to have all the promised star children with his barren wife because one miracle at a time okay? Sarai the barren, pharaoh entrapping, foxy lady actually suggests to Abram that they use a surrogate mother. Then Sarai and Abram interview several young women with a lengthy questionnaire about their health histories and family background until one woman is chosen to voluntarily bare Abram's seed. Ha ha just kidding. They pick out a slave to do it. 

Hagar the slave conceives with Abram and shockingly gets attached to the life growing inside her. She is a little bitter toward Sarai. Hagar expresses this with the old side eye.

For example.

Sarai isn't having any of that and works through the conflict with Hagar directly through adult communication. Just kidding. She tattles to her husband. Abram gives the usual husbandly advice for his time and tells her to suck it up but do whatever you want to the girl because she's just a slave and who cares.

"And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face."  I'm going to assume that "dealing" with Hagar did not involve any conversation. So Hagar runs away until an angel finds her by a fountain of water. 

The reenactment

The angel makes some fair points to Hagar. "Where will you go? You're a slave girl. Daenerys Targaryen isn't coming to save you anytime soon. So suck it up." The angel also promises to "multiply [her] seed exceedingly" which means she gets to have even more babies for people who abuse her. Awesome. Happy endings all around. 

Hagar is already pregnant with another child, a boy called Ishmael who "will be a wild donkey of a man" which is all any mother can ask for. 

Genesis Chapter 13 and 14

And we're back to the adventures of Abram and his gang. Last time he entrapped  a pharaoh causing unnecessary plaguing. Let's see what kind of hi jinx Abram gets into next!
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Chapter 13: Abram, his wife (whose name no longer gets mentioned because who cares?) and Lot leave Egypt and head south.

Abram is still rolling in all his goods from the pharaoh: the silver, the cattle, the she asses, etc. which strikes me as very generous of the pharaoh yet again. I really feel like that guy got a bad deal.

Abram builds more altars because that's the only hobby he has.

Whew, I think we need a bear break from all this excitement. 

Lot has a lot of people of his own which tells me he isn't a kid which is difficult to know because there are no character descriptions and I'm not even sure when you become an adult in the bible because most of them don't start on their adventures until they're about 70 years old it seems.

Abram's and Lot's people are starting to have roommate trouble. There isn't enough space, cattle get mixed up, Lot's people keep using Abram's people's shampoo.

Abram resolves the conflict by suggesting they part ways and Lot can pick whichever part of the land he wants.

Those aren't rainbow caves on the right, it's fire. Just to be clear.

Lot goes for Sodom which would be logical if he wasn't being used to make some sort of moral point about how you shouldn't choose the prettier path or whatever. Abram takes the leftovers in Canaan.

Of course there's a catch. Lot should have known that picking the obviously prettier area would be trouble because Sodom and Gomorrah ends up being Sinnersville and we all know how Lord God deals with places filled with sinners and the bystanders that happen to be in those places.

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Chapter 14: 

There's a description of the War of Kings which isn't terribly exciting because there are absolutely no dragons involved.

King Sodom and Gomorrah are involved in the War of Kings. There are lots of names and places listed and the chapter is almost as interesting as begatting chapters.

Lot and his people get caught up in the conflict in Sodom and get kidnapped. When word gets back to Abram, he bravely sends his slaves to go die for his cause.

Abram wins and brings back "all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also" notice how things are prioritized in that sentence?

Also why is Lot described to be his brother now? I thought he was his nephew? Is this a different Lot? Are the authors losing track of all their faceless undescribed characters?

The kings of Sodom and Salem meet up with Abram. The king of Salem brings wine and bread to the potluck and blesses Abram and Abram's God friend.

The King of Salem goes on and on about how impressed he is with Abram's ability to win wars and how much he like's Abram's awesome God friend. He even blesses them.

Flattery works on Abram and his God friend so he gives the King of Salem "tithes of all." I looked up the word tithes for you. It means a tenth. Abram's a good man to suck up to.

Sodom offers to let Abram have all the goods in exchange for all the prisoners. Abram says no thanks, he won't take anything that belongs to the king. Abram just takes the people that already belonged to him, not to the king or to themselves, and some snacks for the road.

Gensis Chapters 11 and 12

Last time, the Noah cursing Canaan thing was really bothering me, so I looked into it a little bit. There are some theories circulating on the internet that Canaan or Ham might have taken advantage of drunk Noah in his tent in some way.

If this is actually the case, I take back the mean things I said about Noah's drunk logic. Cursing your date rapists is a totally logical response if that is something you're capable of doing.

I have also heard that the Noah movie has rock monsters.

This wasn't in my edition.

Here is what I'm wondering. Do I have the wrong version of the bible? Am I missing out on the uncensored, sexier, version of the bible? Is my 3 Harry Potter book lengths of a book actually a SHORTENED version? Does someone have the version with rock monsters I could borrow?
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Chapter 11:

Everyone on Earth used to speak the same language which was very convenient and helped people to get stuff done efficiently. Because they're so good at teamwork, they decide to build a tower to heaven. God doesn't seem to approve of this efficiency because HE's the efficiency guy. That's HIS thing. Also he probably didn't want humans to be able to just knock on his door whenever they felt like it. He gets to call on people out of the blue for epic God missions not the other way around. So God scatters people and confounds their language.

Begatting happens. Names are listed. Nice names like Arphaxad and Peleg. Names you might want to name your children because you want to give them meaningful literary names. Until one day your child asks you:

 "What does my name mean?"

"It's from the bible. It's very important and literary."

"Yeah but what did Peleg do?"

"He begat."

And that's all you can tell them, because that's all the bible told us. End of Peleg's epic journey.

So more begatting and name listening happens until we get to Abram and not some chick but Sarai! And do you know why Sarai gets her name acknowledged? Because Sarai is barren and she interrupted the begatting train that's why.
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Chapter 12: The Abram family lived in Haran which is also the name of Abram's dead brother which is very confusing and required me to read the passage a few times over. So Abram and the gang live in Haran, the place, not the dead brother, until Lord God drops in on his brain to tell him to take his family and get out of his father's house. Abram has to move away but he'll get a nation to himself so it's a pretty sweet deal. Also he gets to be blessed which never ends badly for bible characters. Never ever.

It's all smiles and Happily Ever Afters for these guys. 

So Abram takes his wife Sarai, his dead brother's son Lot, and "the souls that they had gotten in Haran" i.e. slaves, on a road trip to Canaan i.e. Sodomyville.  God says the land belongs to Abram now. Abram shows his gratitude by building an alter and keeps it up by moving to new places and building more alters.

Abram's alter building road trip is interrupted by a famine, so Abram and the gang take a break in Egypt. Abram is a sharp guy and notices his wife Sarai is super fine. So fine that Egyptian men might kill Abram to get a piece. So, the logical thing to do is to tell people that Sarai is merely a sister and let any Egyptian men who might want a piece to go on ahead. That way Abram remains perfectly safe. Sweet deal right Sarai? Oh you don't think so? Guess you shouldn't have been barren then.

Abram and the gang aren't in Egypt very long before the Pharaoh notices just how fine Sarai is and decides to take Sarai into his home. Abram gets a nice set up because he brought such a fine lady to the Pharaoh. He gets "sheep, and oxen, and he asses, menservants, and maidservants, and she asses (superior to he asses), and camels."

The catch is Sarai isn't really a single lady and Lord God doesn't approve of bringing non-single ladies into your home so Lord God lets the Pharaoh know this by sending a few plagues his way. Not for the rape thing but for the adultery thing, that's what really gets Lord God peeved. So Abram and Sarai entrap the Pharaoh and get him plagued. Lovely couple.

I'd like to imagine that the Pharaoh responds with a:

He miraculously doesn't murder Abram and sends the lovely entrapping couple away to continue on their merry entrapping way.