II Samuel 1-3

Howdy Bible Babes, I hope you've been well. I've been away because of excuses you don't care about. You should be used to abandonment by now just as the Israelites are (from God).

Chapter 1: 

David learns of Saul's death via a considerate Palestinian messenger who assisted Saul in his suicide. You could call it "assisted suicide." David is upset with this man because he killed Saul. Let's break down what this man did. First, Saul was dying a slow death he had inflicted upon himself. Saul asked this man to put him out of his misery, so the Palestinian man did. Then this man who had no obligation whatsoever, took the time to reach out to David. David, the backstabbing enemy of the Palestinians. He risked his life to make sure David knew about Saul's death and how he died, not in a villainous braggy way, but in a considerate way. Is this man rewarded? Not in this book he isn't. David our hero kills this man because Saul was supposed to be protected by God and anyone who would kill him should be punished even though God broke up with Saul forever ago, even though Saul was in the way of David being king. Even though Saul tried to kill David and everyone David cared about MANY TIMES. Guys, I hate David. I hate David more than Saul. At least Saul was fun and tried to impale people. David is a real Littlefinger.

Then David, ever the calculated politician, goes on to pretend to care about Saul's death with dramatic displays of shirt ripping.

David sings one of those garbage songs that don't even rhyme to honor Saul and Jonathan and the only part of the song that matters is this line:

"I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;/ you were very dear to me./ Your love for me was wonderful,/ more wonderful than that of women."

Chapter 2:

David still has to keep fighting to be King because one of Saul's sons who was never mentioned before, Ish-Bosheth, became King in the North. He doesn't rule with his pet dire wolf though just Saul's human General, Abner. Fighting happens. It is not interesting. One of David's nephews, Asahel chases General Abner around and Abner keeps telling him to stop it. It's one intense war. Asahel does not stop chasing Abner so Abner kills him. Then, Asahel's two brothers, Abishai and Joab chase Abner. Abner is all:

Abner can not handle tag. Joab thinks this is a good point and decides to let Ish whatever and Abner go.

Also, they mention some prophecy that says David will only rule for 7 years. 7. Fucking. Years. All of this bullshit for 7 years? That's not even 2 terms as president. David, find something else to do so I can start reading about someone more interesting than you again.

Chapter 3:

According to the chapter, David's power is growing because he has 6 sons. Apparently sons are a powerful energy source, very fuel efficient.

He has 6 sons with 5 wives. At first I thought maybe David was considerate about how many kids each vagina has to pop out but then I remembered this book doesn't care about women and they're just not mentioning the daughters who are not at all fuel efficient.

Remember that son of Saul no one cares about? Osh Kosh Bogosh or whatever? He's upset with Abner the General because he slept with one of Saul's concubines Rizpah. She's a special concubine. She even gets a name. Abner continues his record of flawless debating skills by getting mad at Osh Kosh for accusing him of doing a thing he absolutely did do. He then proceeds to threaten little Oshy and says he's going to change sides and help David now. Abner loves his sex workers, lies, and switching sides against his supposed allies. He's a real wildcard. Thank goodness this behavior is only allowed from a fictional political figure. Could you imagine if someone like that were allowed to rule over a nation?

Abner sends a message to David and says he'll deliver Israel to him. David says that's swell and he'll need that stolen wife Michal back too. He had to pay 100 Philistine foreskins to get her after all.

Hey, David, wives aren't like...trading cards.

Michal is sent to David while her husband follows weeping behind her. I didn't make that up. That detail is added in the book, but it doesn't matter. That man's tears cannot equal the worth of a hundred Philistine foreskins and it's time for Michal to be returned to...the hero...of this story.

Abner talks to all the elders of Israel and preps for David to rule and little Oshy just...has to deal with it. David throws Abner a big feast to celebrate David's rule and mentions he has a few more things to prepare and walks off in peace.

Until, Joab sees him. Remember Joab? Joab was Ashael's brother. Remember Ashael? Abner killed him in an intense game of tag? And Joab could have killed him then but didn't because of no reason whatsofuckingever? Joab decides it's now time to avenge his brother's death with an old fashioned stomach stabbing.

David is not pleased and curses Joab's family with running sores, leprosy, disabilities, death, and hunger. I'm not sure how well this family curse will avoid overlap with David's since they are family and the families in this book tend to get their family tree branches tangled up in each other. If the curse doesn't cause disabilities, the incest should take care of that.

David then makes Joab and all the people with him wear sackcloth and walk in a mourning parade for Abner. David brings up the caboose, cries, and makes a big show of fasting. The Israelites are impressed with this display of bullshit and believe that he had nothing to do with Abner's death. I see you David.