Thursday, May 29, 2014

Genesis Chapter 4

So the chapter starts out with Adam "getting to know" McRib. "And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bore Cain"

That's a helluva a way to get to know someone. Usually I just shake hands and chit chat about the weather and where they're from, and other small talk I hate.

Adam's super psyched that he got a "man" from God, so Adam doesn't waste anytime and gets himself a second man from God via McRib's fig leaf covered bits. This man is named Abel.

Abel gets the peaceful, lazy job of sheep herder and Cain has to till fields. The baby always gets it easy.

Who looks like they're having more fun?

Cain brings an offering from his farming to God and Abel, like the unsufferable one upping little brother he is, brings God some lambchops. Everyone knows lamb chops are going to beat out vegetables so Cain never stood a chance. God has zero respect for Cain's offering so I'm guessing they must have been brussel sprouts or turnips.

Cain is disappointed and God's all "you mad?"

Cain and Abel have a brotherly chit chat in the field then Cain decides it's time to slay his little brother.

God shows up and is all "Hey where's my favorite kid?"

Cain says "Am I my brother's keep?" Which I can relate to because I always used to have to babysit my little brother and that can make you a little resentful but the worst thing I ever did was trip him sometimes when he annoyed me.

God's all "I can hear your brother's blood crying to me from the ground."

So Cain buried the body which tells me he honestly thought he could get away with this. First of all Cain, didn't Adam and McRib tell you that your family is terrible at getting away with things? Secondly, as far as I can tell, there's only 4 people on the planet now. Well, 3 living ones and now 1 dead one. This is hardly going to lead to an episode of CSI. Your parents know that they didn't do it, so which suspect does that leave? You Cain, just you. I sympathize with your irritation over little brothers but you have very poor judgment and you should have just settled with tripping Abel and maybe playing pranks on his sheep.

God falls back on his favorite punishment of cursing. Cain says this punishment is too harsh and guilts God in a way that only a teenager can by ranting that he has to be a vagabond, and fugitive, and the kids at school are totally going to make fun of him forever now. In this case "making fun of" means killing. God gives in because teenager rants are difficult to withstand and says he'll give Cain a special mark so no one will mess with him. If anyone does kill Cain, they'll get karma back 7 times over.

I'm unclear what this mark looks like so we'll just say it's kitty whiskers

Cain goes and dwells, as teenagers do, in the land of Nod. I guess there are other people on the planet now so Cain "gets to know" a lady friend whose name isn't worth mentioning and gets a son named Enoch.

At this point a lot of descendents "get to know" each other and a lot of characters are listed without any description of them. I think we should review: McRib and Adam have Abel and the Cain. Cain "gets to know" some chick and makes Enoch. Enoch "gets to know" some chick and has Irad. Irad "gets to know" some chick and has Mehujael. Mehujael "gets to know" some chick and has Methusael and Methusael "gets to know" some chick and has Lamech. I would like to point out that the Adam sperm must be heavy in the Y chromomes and his family line has a real habit of having kids with women whose names they don't know. Anyway, Lamech actually knows the name of his ladies which is why he gets 2 of them. Ada and Zilah. Ada and 2 boys (shocker) Jabal and Jubal which I imagine led to a lot of confusion because those names sound way too similar.

Jabal has tent and cattle people babies while Jubal fathers the deadbeat musicians or the "harp and organ people."


Zillah, Lamech's other wife, has Tubalcain whose hobbies include iron and brass making and Holy Crap she actually has a girl, named Naamah.

So, Lamech, the lucky one with 2 lady friends, kills some young guy who's name also apparently doesn't matter. Now, Lamech's cursed 77 times over because 7's a thing. Killing is a hobby for the Cain line. I imagine their family game nights are pretty vicious.

Back to Adam and McRib. They give kid making another go and hope they don't produce anymore murderers. The result of their attempts is yet another son named Seth. Seth is probably fine with basically being an only child after hearing about his brothers.

Seth is less evil than Cain but I think it's pretty easy for Seth to be good since he doesn't have to deal with any sibling rivalry nonsense.

Seth gets right to making babies with a nameless woman and adds another son to the Adam McRib line named Enos. 

I feel like a family tree is necessary to clear up all the confusion.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Genesis Chapter 3

So the chapter starts out with a snake and McRib having a chat about McRib's dietary restrictions.

McRib isn't allowed to eat from the special tree presumably because if she does, it'll go straight to her thighs. The snake suggests that she'll be just fine and she should go for it.

Can I just say that it did not take McRib long at all to give into temptation? She didn't even hesitate. God's all "Hey I made you and I made everything for you guys including this kickass paradise and  you control whales. Do you understand that? You have dominion over everything. You could totally ride a whale.  So could you just do me this one single solid and not eat from this ONE tree?"

This COULD have been YOU.

And Adam and McRib are all "Yeah, sure."

And ONE serpent says "Oh, hey, you should try eating from that tree."

And McRib doesn't even have a moral quandary with this. She doesn't bat an eye. She just shrugs and says "Sure, I'll give it a shot." I could forgive this if there had been even a suggestion that she's been longing for this tree thing for awhile but she hasn't because she's only existed for about 2 seconds and in those 2 seconds I'm pretty sure she didn't give a damn about that tree, but the moment she's reminded of it, she's just all "Sure, I'll risk death. This serpent seems legit." 

And do you know what McRib risks death for? An apple. Guys. A fucking apple. What was she eating before that made an apple so tempting? Gruel? Mushrooms? Brussel sprouts? I thought they lived in paradise with awesome things to eat all the time? This is not the Willy Wonka food paradise I was picturing. 

So McRib passes the gateway fruit to Adam who also doesn't even fucking hesitate and remind her like "Babe, remember like 2 seconds ago when God asked us not to do this one thing?" But no. Stupid Ribgiver just eats the apple too.

The apple makes them very paranoid all of a sudden. And now I understand why the apple is so addictive. The apple makes them self aware of the fact that they're naked which I guess they hadn't noticed before. They are ashamed and hear God walking around the gruel garden and sew up some fig leaf lingerie for themselves and hide.

God asks Adam why he's hiding. Adam tells them that they are ashamed which I can understand. I wouldn't want my landlord to see me naked either but God is displeased.

"Hey! Who told you were naked? I didn't put any mirrors in this garden."

So they have to own up to eating the mind altering apples. Actually Adam tattles on McRib in less than a heartbeat. McRib blames it all on the snake. So God takes away the snake's legs to teach it a lesson. This explanation for the absence of snake legs is much less complicated than this one.

God then moves on to punishing McRib and says that her and the snake will be enemies now because they don't play well together.

"And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel." 

God talks about seeds and bruised heels for a bit and I am sensing a double entendre.

God curses the woman even more with child birth and now her husband has to rule over her even though he didn't resist temptation any longer or better than she did.

This is what you get for eating apples.

God then threatens Adam and tells him that he has to be a farmer now and get all sweaty and actually work for his food. He has to eat bread which I guess God thinks is a punishment because he's not a fan of carbs. 

God doesn't kick them out without first making them some nice skin coats. Then, just in case Adam and McRib try to turn back and jump the gate, God invests in some fire sword wielding cherubim security for Eden.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Genesis Chapter 2

Okay the first chapter of Genesis was pretty action packed. Everything got made and there's been a lot of foreshadowing that things may not be good anymore. Let's find out what happens. 

...God takes a break.

We find out that God has two names. "LORD God."

"And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life"

That's not how you perform CPR. 

"And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food"

At this point, I'm picturing the candy garden in Willy Wonka.

God can't even take a real break on his day off. God is a workaholic and starts making a fancy garden called Eden. Now they describe Eden but there's no map. Every fantasy novel should take the time to map out their fantasy land. So I went ahead and did it for them if James and Jesus ever decide to rerelease the book, they're welcome to use this:

"And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads. The name of the first is Pison:that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold; And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone. And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia."And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates."  

"And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it." 

God makes man his gardener.

"And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden though mayest freely eat:"

He doesn't mean that. God is Willy Wonka. It's a set up. He's just waiting for you to get too friendly with the chocolate river.

"But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, though shalt not eat of it: for in the day that though eatest thereof though shalt surely die." 

See? Chocolate river. At least God isn't vague about the consequences. "You will surely die." Pretty straight forward. I mean it's not like it's a Blue Beard secret door that you're tempted to go through because you don't know what's in it. God's all "Oh hey there's this poison tree that I put in my Sim City paradise garden for some reason. You eat it and you're dead. Got that?"

"And the LORD God said, It is not good that man should be alone" 

Honestly, good call Lord God.

"And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them." 

God makes Adam some zombie pets and lets Adam do the naming this time which explains why all animals don't have one syllable names.

 "And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs"

God drugs Adams and steals some body parts.

"And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from the man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man."

My ancestor

God makes a woman for Adam who I assume will name her McRib.

"And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."

Adam's cool with the stolen Rib and names McRib "Woman." I'm going to go ahead and keep calling her McRib. Adam gave birth to her which kind of makes him like a sea horse I guess.

  "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." 

First of all, "cleave"? Least sexy term for that ever. So men and woman become "one flesh" again I guess because she misses her rib family from time to time and wants to get as close to them as possible which begs the question-why aren't our genitals closer to our rib area?

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

First Book of Moses called Genesis-Chapter 1

The first chapter name is a bit of a mouthful. I sense that there's going to be a lot of multiple character perspectives. I can dig it. I just hope all the characters I like aren't going to get killed off.

Looking at you buddy:

See above: a monster.

First impressions:

Lots of "And" Just a whole lot of them at the beginning of every paragraph. Look, I can respect the simplicity but I think James and Jesus would really benefit from a transitions list. 

Our first character is not in fact Moses, but God. So this God guy is really good at getting stuff done. He's just like "I'm going to do this" and then he's all "let there be something" and then "it was so" and then "it was good."

"And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness."

He divides light from dark because presumably dark is a bad influence and light is very impressionable seeing as God just made it and all. 

"And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night."
Light is now named Day. Dark is named Night. God really likes one syllable names for things. I guess it's just more efficient that way and he's nothing if not efficient. 

All that creating stuff happened in the first day. If I go and exercise and clean my apartment, I figure I have license to do nothing after that but not this guy. How does he spend his second day? Making dry land. God is just so on it. The guy just seems to know what he wants and he just goes and does it. 

I'm a little worried that James and Jesus keep saying that everything "was good." I'm sensing some foreshadowing here. 

"And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind."

Now God is decorating Earth with grass, herbs, and fruits and whatnot--essentially playing the world's slowest game of Sim City. 

"And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years." 

Days, seasons, and years get created on the 3rd day of God's arts and crafts project, and presumably inspirational cat calendars along with them. 

 "And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good."

No mention of dinosaurs being created yet. I assume they'll be in the prequel? 

"And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing," 

Cattle are made now. Thought we kind of covered that in the "And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth" section but maybe it's meant to be a jab at the cattle's "moveth" abilities. James and Jesus are so sassy. 

"And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness"

God makes man after his own image, presumably because he ran out of ideas after the cattle. 

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them."

God creates women last. Saving the best for last amiright?

"and God said unto them"..."have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth."

We're supposed to dominate everything? I wish God would remind my cat of that because he keeps walking around like he owns the place. 

"And God saw everything he made, and, behold, it was very good."
God's done making stuff now. They keep bringing up that "it was very good" business. So who's going to mess things up on the seventh day? Moses? The whales? The cattle?