Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Samuel 23-24

Hey everybody. I've got some bad news. The book is getting stupid again and not in a fun way. Saul keeps searching for David. David keeps running away. This is basically the entire plot:

Chapter 23:

David is hiding out but hears the Philistines are attacking the Keilah. I assume the Keliah are in some way important. 

The Philistines are "looting the threshing floors" which I choose to purposefully misunderstand as a euphemism though it's probably something really boring and related to farming.

David asks God if he should help the Keliah (Are they people? Cows? Unicorns?) 

God: "Duh."

David checks with his men. They are afraid to go. David checks in with God again. 

God: "Seriously?"

David saves the Keliah unicorns and what an exciting journey it was.

Saul hears that David is in Keliah and thinks that it's finally his chance to get him:

"'God has delivered him into my hands, for David has imprisoned himself by entering a town with gates and bars.'"

David already hears of Saul's plot, because much like Game of Thrones, this books shuns the concept of time and distance.

That's right. Deep cut Game of Thrones references. 

David asks God if Saul would actually come to Keliah. 

God: "Yeah, probably." 

David asks God if it's cool to just chill out in Keliah anyway. The people wouldn't turn him over to King Saul after he just saved them right? Right?

God: "Why do I like my kings so stupid?"

David and his 600 men leave and live as nomads, moving from place to place. Saul finds out that David is no longer in Keliah and therefore, doesn't go to Keliah.

The suspeeeeeense.

David and his men hide out the desert of Ziph. Saul actually goes in search of David himself but cannot find David or his 600 men. David learns that Saul is on the prowl and is worried for his life.

Somefuckinghow Jonathan is able to find David in the desert just fine. I assume it's because love defies all logic. Jonathan continues to stupidly reassure David:

"'Don't be afraid,' he said. 'My father Saul will not lay a hand on you.'"

Just a spear.

Jonathan goes on to reassure David that he is destined to be king and Jonathan will be at his side. No word on Jonathan's sister, David's actual wife, and which side she gets to be on. 

The two cement their totally platonic friendship by performing yet another covenant before God, whatever you choose to believe that means.

The Ziphethes of the desert do not know how to Zipeth their Lipeths and rat David out to Saul. The chase is on. David finds out that Saul knows he's in Zipth, so he runs to some new places I don't care about mentioning. Saul finds out about those new places and chases David to even more places. At one point, David literally hides behind a rock. Saul chases David around a mountain and the Benny Hill theme song presumably plays on in the background.

Saul almost gets David but unfortunately gets murder-blocked with the news that Team Rocket The Philistines are raiding some threshing floors again and Saul has to go deal with it because he's the King or whatever.

Chapter 24:

The chase is on again. Saul takes 3,000 men to search for David but David and his men win this round of hide and seek. 

During the chase, King Saul needs a timeout to use the bathroom and decides to venture out alone, unsupervised, to a dark cave, the logical thing for a political leader to do. King Saul does not scope out the cave before "relieving himself." 

Surprise surprise, David and his SIX HUNDRED men are all hiding in the cave and Saul doesn't notice the SIX HUNDRED men. 

Saul must not get a lot of fiber in his diet because in the time it takes to relieve himself, David has time to argue with his men about whether or not to murder Saul, sneak up on Saul, cut a piece of his robe, change his mind about killing him, and go back to his men.  

Saul, honey, do yourself a favor and drink some prune juice. 

As Saul leaves the cave, David runs up after him and delivers the speech to end all speeches.

"'My lord the king!'" . . . "'Why do you listen when men say, 'David is bent on harming you'? This day you have seen with your own eyes how the Lord delivered you into my hands in the cave. Some urged me to kill you, but I spared you; I said, 'I will not lay my hand on my lord, because he is the Lord's anointed.' See, my father, look at this piece of your robe in my hand! I cut off the corner of your robe but did not kill you. See that there is nothing in my hand to indicate that I am guilty of wrongdoing or rebellion. I have not wronged you, but you are hunting me down to take my life. May the Lord judge between you and me. And may the Lord avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you. As the old saying goes, 'From evildoers come evil deeds,' so my hand will not touch you.'"

Someone get this man whatever award fictional people get for great speeches. 

Saul responds with...sanity? Though I have undermined that sanity by asking a friend to dramatically read his speech and she read that speech while wearing a velociraptor mask:

"'Is that your voice, David my son?' And he wept aloud. 'you are more righteous than I,' he said. 'You have treated me well, but I have treated you badly.'" 

Understatement of the year, but go on. 

"'You have just now told me about the good you did to me; the Lord delivered me into your hands, but you did not kill me. When a  man finds his enemy, does he let him get away unharmed? May the Lord reward you well for the way you treated me today. I know that you will surely be king and that the kingdom of Israel will be established in your hands. Now swear to me by the Lord that you will not kill of my descendants'or wipe out my name from my father's family.'"

David promises to never kill Saul's kids, because that's Saul's job. Saul returns home and David stays with his men in the cave.

Is a Holy Bible story going to actually end without violence and needless death?