Samuel 18-19

Strap into the bible roller coaster of plot and character development. We probably won't get this spoiled again for at least 500 more pages. Soak in this sweet sweet drama while it lasts. 

Chapter 18: 

David continues to be King Saul's lyre player even after killing Goliath. I guess slaying giants doesn't warrant a promotion in King Saul's crazy af mind. 

King Saul also refuses to let David go home anymore, which is probably for the best because David sounds like a terrible sheephearder. 

Saul is becoming paranoid that David will take his place as king, but can you really call it paranoia if it's literally a prophecy?

King Saul's son, Jonathon, the most extra of the biblical characters, has taken a shine to David. I guess he's moved on from his armor bearer. What crazy twists and turns this will add to my slash fanfic:

"Jonathon made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathon took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt."

King Saul is further paranoid that his son (who he once tried to murder) has taken a liking to this David. King Saul the Mad King's solution is to repeatedly send David on perilous missions, hoping that he'll eventually die on one of them. 

King Saul is that coward who doesn't know how to break up with his girlfriend, so instead of dealing with the conflict like an adult, he chooses to just act horribly, hoping she'll break up with him on her own. 

What? The analogy just popped in my head. It definitely isn't something I think about all the time. I'm not bitter. 

Not only does David not die on King Saul's many quests, he becomes a war hero. Women dance in the street holding parades for him when he returns:

"'Saul has slain his thousands,
and David has his tens of thousands.'"

Not all that catchy ladies, but it effectively hurts King Saul's already fragile ego:

"'They have credit David with tens of thousands,' he thought, 'but me with only thousands.'"

Solid math problem solving Saul. You figured it out all on your own. 

King Saul is very hurt that people do not appreciate his own mass murdering abilities and thinks that they will inevitably choose David for king because he has more blood on his hands, the necessary political background for this book. 

King Saul decides to keep a close eye on David. He is of course very subtle:

". . . while David was playing the lyre, as he usually did. Saul had a spear in his hand and hurled it, saying to himself, 'I'll pin David to the wall.' But David eluded him twice."

After the minor disagreement with his boss, David agrees to be sent away for more perilous missions. Saul thinks this will lead to David's death. It does not. David continues to be a war hero. David is the roadrunner to Saul's coyote. 

Saul's next grand plan is to offer his eldest daughter Merab to David, which really isn't a nice gesture because David was supposed to win a daughter for killing Goliath anyway. Let's gloss over my general irritation that women are traded around like playing cards in this book. David is already owed a wife. 

Saul says David can have the wife, if he goes on yet another life threatening mission. David agrees because it is preferable to playing music for a man who thinks you are his target for human darts. 

While David is away, Saul marries off Merab, the promised eldest daughter, to someone else.

We're all thinking it, so I'm just going to say it, Saul is kind of a petty bitch. 

When David returns, Saul offers another daughter, Michal, who is actually in love with David. For some reason...Saul thinks this is the mother of all schemes:

"'I will give her to him,' he thought, 'so that she may be a snare to him and so that the hand of the Philistines may be against him.'"

Let's review. Saul's new master plan...is to marry off another daughter, thereby making the man he's worried about replacing him as king, his legal son-in-law. He thinks his daughter, who is actually in love with David, who David has shown no particular interest in before, will somehow be David's downfall? 

David is skeptical. He doesn't really want to be the son-in-law of a man continually trying to shish kabob him, which is fair. 

Saul's next move in this thrilling, cat and mouse game of wits, is to tell his soldiers to lie to David. They tell David that in spite of all the attempted murder and lies, Saul actually really likes David and would love him as a son-in-law. 

David believes this, which makes me think that maybe he doesn't actually deserve to live. 

The perilous mission David must take on this time?:

"'The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins.'"

David rises to the challenge and those Philistines will rise no more. David doubles the amount of necessary foreskins because he's all about that extra credit:

"David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king's son-in-law."

This...book...I just...

After King Saul does whatever he does with his enemy's foreskins, David marries Michal, but we all know it really should have been Jonathon. 

Side note: King Saul keeps asking people who love David to help him. With this approach, he's grasping at foreskins. If I were King Saul, I would have turned David's older brother, Eliab against him. Eliab hated David for being conceited and thought his heart was wicked. Also, the revenge would be even better since all of Saul's family loves David, you can turn his own brother against him. Eye for and eye, know what I'm saying? I'm no mass murderer, but I do know how to Littlefinger people from a distance. so they cause their own demise...I mean this only hypothetically of course...

Chapter 19:

Sweet baby Jonathon learns his daddy is trying to kill his best friend. He tells David not to worry, he's going to give his dad a stern talking to and clear all this up. Jonathon attempts to reason with his insane father with logic about how David has done nothing wrong, and has actually only ever continually helped Saul, again and again. 

I would make insert some Ivanka Trump analogy about children supposedly having the ability to reason with their crazy political leader parents here, but that would imply she has logic. Also, she has no place in my beautiful fanfiction and cannot compare to the beauty that is Jonathon. 

King Saul reassures his son that he definitely, cross-his-heart, won't try to murder his son-in-law anymore. 

Yeah...so immediately after Saul tries to kill David again...with a spear...again. 

David goes into hiding at home with Michal. Saul sends men to watch their home. Michal, the daughter who made it clear she was in love with David, who Saul thought would ensnare David, immediately warns her husband about her father's intentions and tells him to run away. 

Who could have possibly seen that coming?

The apple does not fall far from the tree when it comes to planning skills. Michal's ingenious plan is to put an idol under their bed along with...goat hair, and tells Saul's men that her husband is sick. Michal, children from every movie ever called and they want their idea back, except for the goat hair. You can keep the goat hair. 

Shockingly, this plan does not pan out. They take Michal to her father and when asked why she let David escape, she implies her husband threatened her life. Look, she loves him, but that doesn't mean she has to die for him, okay? If Rose can't move over a few inches on that very sizable door to save Jack, Michal can lie to save her own skin. Love is complicated. 

David goes into hiding with good old Samuel who like a robber or a cop, is supposed to have that one last job, but just keeps getting sucked back in. He's too old for this. 

Saul sends his men after them, but never fear audience, the literal Deus Ex Machina comes to save the day. It gets weird. 

God makes all of Saul's men fall in to a fit of prophesying which I thought was just talking to God, but now appears to be much like a bad drug trip. 

". . . he sent men to capture  him. But when they saw a group of prophets prophesying, with Samuel standing there as their leader, the Spirit of God came on Saul's men, and they also prophesied. Saul was told about it, and he sent more men, and they prophesied too. Saul sent men a third time, and they also prophesied."

Finally, Saul goes after David and Samuel himself only to catch the prophecy plague too. 

". . . he stripped off his garments, and he too prophesied in Samuel's presence. He lay naked all that day and all that night."

No mention of anyone else getting naked and laying around naked. That's all Saul. I guess it's better...not...to call Saul. 

Sorry not sorry.