Judges 7-9

Sorry I've been away so long. Everything fell apart at the same time, but that's okay. I'll grow and learn from my mistakes unlike the Children of God who continue to make the same mistakes over and over again no matter how creative Lord gets with his unmerciful punishments. 

If you don't remember what happened last time. Read the last blog.

Moving on.

Chapter 7:

Gideon, the new judge is supposed to lead the Israelites to battle against their new rulers the Mideonites. Lord gets real show offy. 

"The LORD said to Gideon, 'You have too many men." 

Lord doesn't want the people of Israel believing they won based on their own abilities or numbers. It's important that they rely on him and not have too much self worth (Crazy-Ex Boyfriend alert). Lord says that any Israelites afraid to fight can go. Twenty two thousand cowards head home but Lord still thinks there are too many men left over. God's like that guy in the movies who looks at a room full of men and says "You're going to need more men" and the men are skeptical but we as an audience know that the single guy has super powers or really good killing skills and we're really excited to see the room full of men look foolish and murdered. That is called dramatic irony. In case you were wondering. 

God

"There are still too many men. Take them down to the water, and I will think them out for you there." . . . "Separate those who lap the water with their tongues as a dog laps from those who kneel down to drink." 

God sends the ones who slurp directly from the river home keeps the ones that lap water up like dogs. God hates slurpers and loves dogs. Finally we have something in common. 

Gideon the only Lord skeptic who doesn't immediately get murdered for his skepticism, is skeptical about their chances of winning. Lord sends Gideon to the Midianite camp to spy. Just as Gideon gets there two Midianite men discuss their dreams. 

"Gideon arrive just as a man was telling a friend his dream. 'I had a dream,' he was saying. 'A round loaf of barley bread came tumbling into the Midianite camp. It struck the tent with such force that the tent overturned and collapsed.' 

What I expected the other man to say: "Hmm what a weird pointless dream. Not sure why you felt the need to share that with me." 

What the other man actually said: "This can be nothing other than the sword of Gideon son of Joash, the Israelite. God has given the Midianites and the whole camp into his hands." 

It can be nothing other than that? Really? Barley bread=your enemy and tent=you? What dream symbolism book are they reading? Is Gideon's nickname Barley Bread? This has not at all been established in the plot. 

Gideon stops being skeptical. He is so confidant that they will win the battle that they are the least amount of cautious. 

"Gideon and the hundred men with him reached the edge of the camp at the beginning of the middle watch, just after they had changed the guard. They blew their trumpets and broke the jars that were in their hands" . . . "they shouted, 'A sword for the LORD and for Gideon!' . . . "When the three hundred trumpets sounded" . . . "the men throughout the camp turn(ed) on each other with their swords."

To recap: Gideon and his men play trumpets, smash things, and shout just when the Mideonite side switches to a fresh, well rested new guard. But apparently, trumpets are the Mideonites secret weakness because once they heard it, they turned on each other. So intense was the Mideonite's hatred of trumpets, that they had apparently made murder-suicide pacts with one another should they ever have to hear the sound of them. 

When the battle is won, Gideon's men capture the Midiante leaders Oreb and Zeeb. They kill Oreb and the rock of Oreb and they kill Zeeb at the winepress of Zeeb. At least they died close to the things they loved enough to name after themselves. 

Chapter 8: 

Gideon and his men keep on with their murderous road trip. I've lost track of who they still need to murder. I guess just anyone who isn't an Israelite. Gideon and his men stop in a town called Sukkoth and demand free food, no pleases are involved. 

The town responds with a "Why should we?"

And Gideon's all:

"'I will tear your flesh with desert thorns and briers'" as one does. 

Gideon and his men go to another town, Pineal, demanding more free food. They are freeloaders. 

Pineal also says "no" and Gideon's all: "'When I return in triumph, I will tear down this tower.'"

I wonder how well the Gideon method could work for me to get free food at restaurants. 

"Feed me or I will tear this shit to the ground. God is on my side." 

Lookout Village Inn. 

Gideon catches up to some kings he wanted to murder. He demands that his child son Jether kill them. Jether is not up to the task, possibly because he is a child. If you wanted a murder child you probably shouldn't name them Jether. If you would like a gluten free liberal arts major, name them Jether.  

Gideon's birthday card message to his son.

The Z&Z Kings feel so awkward about the situation that they suggest that Gideon just goes ahead and kills them considering he's a grown man and the whole murder thing was his idea in the first place. 

After all the murdering is done, the Israelites are free again (for now). They ask Gideon and his family to rule over them. Gideon says that he will not rule over them, God will. He'll just be the messenger. And by that he means he will still essentially rule over them but if they don't like what he's doing, just blame God, not the messenger. 

The Israelites get 40 whole years of peace before they start to screw it up again. 

Chapter 9: 

Some undisclosed amount of time after Gideon's death, his 70 sons rule over the people of Schechem because Gideon wouldn't waste an ounce of sperm. One of Gideon's sons, Abimelek, suggests to his his mother's family that they help him murder his other brothers to simplify leadership. This is why you should masturbate. Once you hit 10+ kids, one is bound to be a mass murderer. Abimelek is what Jether could never be. One brother escapes the massacre, not Jether, but Jothman who might as well be a Jether in my mind. If you're taking the time to cast these people in your head, feel free to just picture the surviving brother Jothman just the same way you pictured Jether. That's what I'll be doing.

Jether/Jothman/Whogivesashit

Jothman survives by hiding in a tree probably because he was hugging it just moments before. He later goes on top of a mountain and tells the people some kind of allegory story to teach them that what they did was bad and stuff. Also, the fact that Abimelek mother was a slave seems to be a problem, even though all the Israelites are descended from slaves. Semantics. The people are not convinced by Jothman's allegory story, probably because he was all the way up on a mountain and they couldn't actually hear him. 

Jothman continues to do what he's good at and runs away. He runs away to a town called Beer. I do not know if this is a metaphor. 

God puts a pause on that "free will" thing he gave to humans to manipulate the emotions of the people so that they won't get along with Abimelek. They decide to overthrow Abimelek. Lots of murder and betrayal and arson happens and the bible manages to make it read like a terms and conditions contract. Eventually the battle comes down to Abimelek and his men outside of a tower in a town name that doesn't matter. Abimelek sets the tower on fire which worked for him in the past but this time a woman drops a stone on his head, cracking his skull. While his brains pour out of his skull, Abimelek manages to keep his priorities in order with his dying breath: 

"Draw your sword and kill me, so that they can’t say, ‘A woman killed him."

Please add to my agony by running me through with a sharp object, so that people won't say I was killed by a girl? Fuck, that is some serious commitment to sexism. 

Judges 4-6

Chapter 4:

This is the best chapter in a long time. The Israelites fuck up again though the book doesn't specify how. Jabin King of Canaan rules over them cruelly for twenty years. The King's army commander, Sisera, has 900 chariots which is probably a lot though I have nothing to compare it to, it sounds like a lot. The Israelites call out to their sky daddy for help.

The Israelites get a lady leader! Deborah, a prophet, rules over the Israelites and sorts out their disputes. She even has a husband, Lappidoth, but it doesn't sound like he matters and his name is ridiculous. Deborah orders a man named Barak to take ten thousand men to Mount Tabor and she will lead the King's army commander, Sisera and his impressive number of chariots into their hands. No one's asking Deborah what her husband thinks should be done for the Israelites because Deborah's husband isn't a prophet. Barak decides to be a coward and says he will only go if Deborah comes along. Her response:

"Certainly I will go with you," said Deborah. "But because of the course you are taking, the honor will not be yours, for the LORD will deliver Sisera into the hands of a woman."

Barak's army goes up against the King's and kills every last man except for Sisera who fleas to an ally's tent. The ally is away but the man's wife, Jael, is there. Jael tells Sisera not to be afraid, to come on in, and gives him a blanket.

He asks for water and she gives him milk because she's bad at listening. Women right? Sisera can tell he's really going to have to break down directions for this one:

"'Stand in the doorway of the tent,' he told her. 'If someone comes by and asks you, 'Is anyone in there?' say 'No.'"

Jael is super bad at directions though because once Sisera falls asleep, instead of protecting him, she takes a tent peg and hammers it into his temple.

Tits out for murder ya'll. 

Barak passes by the tent and Jael, cold as ice, goes out to meet him. "I will show you the man you're looking for." and presumably Barak never questioned a female again because these ones are terrifying.

Chapter 5:

Barak and Deborah sing a song about the events we literally just read about.

Chapter 6:

The Israelites start worshipping other gods because they have the worst memories imaginable. They are punished with the Midianites invading. The Israelites call out to their sky daddy once again to bail them out and God starts lecturing though it's not clear to who. It's a lot of "I brought you out of Egypt blah blah blah I gave you everything blah blah blah you still can't figure out the not worshipping other gods part of the bargain."

I will say, I haven't always been the biggest fan of Lord in this book. His relationship with the Israelites seems unhealthy, like an abusive ex boyfriend. Still, he totally keeps saving their asses now with little punishment and all he's asking for is acknowledgment that he's real and the other gods aren't. Exodus/Leviticus/Numbers Lord would have tortured the Israelites for what they're doing but Lord just seems a little defeated now. Is he a little insecure and obsessed with recognition? Sure. But why are the Israelites worshipping other gods all the time? Are they just addicted to worshipping things?

Lord picks another judge, Gideon, and sends an angel to go talk to him. Gideon has some questions.

"Pardon me, my lord," Giden replied, "but if the LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, 'Did not the LORD bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the LORD has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian."

Lord's response: "The LORD turned to him and said, 'Go in strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?'"

Literally doesn't answer the question.

Gideon has more questions and I am concerned for his safety.

"Pardon me, my lord," Gideon replied, "but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family."

Lord's response: "'I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites, leaving none alive.'"

Still doesn't answer question.

Gideon Martha Raddatz doesn't stop questioning and asks God to perform some God-like stuff. The angel-phone sets fire to a rock which is enough evidence for Gideon. Lord is a big fan of fire. Gideon builds an altar for Lord called "The LORD is Peace" because he hasn't read the bible. Lord sends Gideon to destroy the altar of one of the new hip gods Baal. The townspeople are pretty pissed off and demand that Gideon be killed. Gideon's father Joash defends his son "If your god is real he can kill his own enemies without your help." Someone should probably let Lord know that.

Judges 1-3

Chapter 1:

Now that Joshua is gone, the Israelites worry over whether they'll still be able to participate in their favorite hobby, bloodshed, but they need not fear because the tribe of Judah is there to lead them into Canaanite territory to kill and conquer to their sadistic little hearts' content. They also go killing in some other places and cut off the thumbs and big toes of a king which would really be inconvenient if kings had to do anything physical at any point in their lives.

The Israelites continue to burn and pillage and murder a bunch of places which would maybe be exciting if the writers of this book took a single creative writing class in their worthless lives. Nothing connects. I have no idea where any of this is going. I don't know who I'm supposed to care about and I don't care about anyone. They start talking about some people and follow a plot line but then they just abandon it for...I don't even know what. No one is around long enough for me to build an emotional investment. I'm not sure the writers know what they want their book to be. Did they get their writing lessons from Ryan Fucking Murphy?

I don't know why I keep letting you disappoint me. 

"The men of Judah attacked Jerusalem also and took it. They put the city to the sword and set it on fire. After that, Judah went down to fight against the Canaanites living in the hill country, the Negev and the western foothills. They advanced against the Canaanites living in Hebron (formerly called Kiriath Arba) and defeated Sheshai, Ahiman and Talmai. From there they advanced against the people living in Debir (formerly called Kiriath Sepher). "

They managed to make murdering and burning down cities boring.

The exciting plot continues. Some guy named Caleb, who didn't matter before and won't matter again after a paragraph, offers his daughter in exchange for the destruction of Kiriath Sepher. Those are some high expectations for a son-in-law or maybe they're dangerously low. Caleb's nephew destroys the city so the daughter gets to marry her bloodthirsty cousin and I will never complain about online dating again. The daughter asks her father for water and land and stuff. It's almost as exciting as an episode of Downton Abbey. I'm just kidding. Anything is better than Downton Abbey. The Israelites take more land and stuff. God wanted them to kill all the previous inhabitants of the lands but instead the Israelites just subject them to a little light forced labor.

Chapter 2:

God's mad that the Israelites kept the Canaanites and all those other ites in town at all because the natives might give them ideas about other ways of thinking or something. He instructed that the non-Israelites be wiped out entirely. He sends an angel to lecture them and some Israelites cry about it and some keep worshipping foreign gods for funsies. God tries to give them a chance by sending out a judge to save the Israelites from their enemies then the Israelites continue to do horrible things like marry people less likely to be their cousins and consider other belief systems. Then some more punishment happens.

Chapter 3:

The Israelites keep disobeying God by getting along with people that they were supposed to genocide. The Israelites get taken over by Cushan Rishathaim the king of Aram Naharaim, the king of too many syllables from a place of too many syllables, for 8 years. The wishy washy children of God call out to Lord. Lord turns Othniel, some guy who won't matter in a few sentences anymore, into a "judge" to go to war for the Israelites. They win 40 years of peace until they fuck up again and another foreign king Eglon, a king with a far more reasonable amount of syllables, takes over for 18 yeras. The Israelites cry out again to their sky daddy for help. Lord sends them another judge, Ehud, a left handed guy which matters because of reasons. Ehud asks to see King Eglon, claiming he has a message from God and that message is a stabbing. Guys, I think the bible's getting fun and grotesque again!:

"As the king rose from his seat, Ehud reached with his left hand, drew the sword from his right thigh and plunged it into the king's belly. Even the handle sank in after the blade, and his bowels discharged. Ehud did not pull the sword out, and the fat closed in over it."

Some things to note:

1. "His bowels discharged."

2. The king is so fat that his fat hid an entire sword.

Ehud then closes up the king's room and leaves like a boss without anyone noticing. The servants don't go to the king because they assume he's taking a shit which is technically true and they "waited to the point of embarrassment." Meaning, the servants are so used to King Eglon's absurdly long poops, that a man was able to escape and get away with murder. This is why you need to eat fiber.  

I was confused as to why Ehud being left handed mattered so I read an analysis of the chapter. Apparently, because he's left handed, the king and his servants wouldn't expect him to have a weapon on his right side. So they only pat down the left side for weapons? Murdering people is super easy in this book. Ehud leads the Israelites to freedom once again until the next time they fuck it up.

Joshua 6-24

Chapter 6:

Israel destroys the town of Jericho by sending seven priests to circle the city seven times while playing trumpets. On the seventh day, the city wall collapses. This sounds like the beginning of a math problem. The prostitute with a heart of gold is spared which is a relief but I was really hoping there'd be more tension and conflict in that story line, but instead, the characters just remembered what they were supposed to do and were competent.

UNLIKE SOME ASSHOLES

Josh tells the Israelites to destroy to their hearts content, show no mercy, and save the gold and silver for God. Shockingly, someone doesn't listen.

Chapter 7:

Israel runs off to another battle to take down the city of Ai but they not successful. Josh is all "What's up with that G?" And God's all "Someone broke the rules and when that happens I punish everyone else disproportionately with death and carnage."

Josh tracks down the gold thief, a man named Achan who is very honest and stoic about his fate. As reward for his honesty, he and HIS ENTIRE FAMILY are burned alive. Also, the Israelites throw stones at them, because they are an impatient people.

Who else is thankful that they're not held accountable for their parents actions? We all would have been burned and stoned hundreds of times over by now.

Chapter 8: 

God encourages Josh to attack the city of Ai again, insisting that he totally won't let the Israelites get their asses handed to them again. The Israelites take down Ai, destroy everything, and hang the king. Happy endings all around.

Chapter 9: 

The Gibeonite people come to treaty with the Israelites, stating that they come from a far away land. As it turns out, they live in the same neighborhood. The deception pisses Josh off for some reason and he demands to know why they would lie to him.

"Ummm because we don't want to die?" -The Gibeonites

Chapter 10:

The Gibeonites are attacked and the Israelites stand by their treaty built upon lies. They do a lot of murdery stuff. The five kings of the cities flee to hide away in a cave. The Israelites find them and hang them. AND THEN...

"At sunset Joshua gave the order and they took them down from the poles and threw them into the cave where they had been hiding. At the mouth of the cave they placed large rocks, which are there to this day."

Chapter 11-12:

More conquering and murdery stuff.

Chapter 13: 

Josh gets old.

Chapter 14-21:

The Israelites divide the conquered land amongst their tribes. This goes on for eight exhilarating chapters.

Chapter 22: 

Josh sends their allies back south to their own lands. The allies build an altar on their own land. The Israelites freak out because they think it's some kind of rebellion.

"Are you INSANE?! He will murder all of us! Even the cattle!"

The allies inform the Israelites that they built the altar in honor of their connection to LORD and Israel.

"I guess that's cool." -The Israelites.

Chapter 23:

Josh informs everyone that he's dying. He asks the Israelites to please not fuck things up.

Chapter 24:

Josh brings everyone together to guilt them about all the things God did for them. I've read the book so far and don't need a summary of events every few pages so I'm just going to keep trucking along.

Josh dies without dragging it out forever unlike some people.

And guess what? With the efficiency of only two blog entries, the book of Joshua is finished!!!!!

Joshua 1-5

Chapter 1:

"No one will be able to stand up against you during your lifetime. I will be with you in the same way I was with Moses."

That's not comforting.

"I won't desert you or leave you."

Unless you disobey me then I will leave you in an unmarked grave.

"Don't be alarmed or terrified because the Lord is with you wherever you go."

Don't trust him Josh!

Josh then starts sending out orders to the Israelites who seem very cooperative.

"We will obey you in the same way we obeyed Moses."

Also not comforting. Josh is so doomed.

Side note: You know, I've been thinking about this glaring plot hole in the book. If this God character made Adam and then McRib and then those two somehow populated the world with presumably an insane amount of incest...aren't all the people on the planet the LORD's people? Why pit them against each other in wars? Why only choose one group of people as "chosen." I know the LORD character said he was jealous and angry with all the other people for worshipping "false gods" but wouldn't the Israelites have done the same thing if he hadn't spoken directly to some of them? Why not just speak to all people, show them a miracle or two and then everyone could worship him? Why does he have to build his rep like some kind of gangster? I just don't really get this character's motivation. If he's all powerful, all knowing, and all present, it seems weird that he'd be as petty and insecure as a human being. Anyway, moving on.

Chapter 2:

You guys! I don't want to get my hopes up but...I think this book is starting to have a plot again. There's even characters and dialogue!

Josh sends two spies to scout out their future land, Jericho, which seems weird because God said he'd protect them, so hypothetically they could all just continue on recklessly and fearlessly conquering more land. I guess Josh is just a bad listener. Josh sends out two spies who then stay with a prostitute named Rahab, because LORD didn't get around to forbidding the devil's three way yet. The king of Jericho is tipped off that Israelite spies are in his land so he sends word to Rahab the prostitute that she must send the men to the king. Instead, Rahab, the prostitute with a heart of gold, hides the Israelite men on the roof and cuts a deal with them. She's heard about this Gangster God of the Israelites and all the people they've destroyed. She asks the spies that they spare her family. They agree so long as when they come to rape and pillage, her family stays inside and she ties a red cord in window.

I'm sure nothing will go wrong with that plan.

Chapter 3:

God repeats his water trick for the Israelites when they cross the river Jordan. Joshua gets to relieve Moses's glory days at the Red Sea.

Chapter 4: 

One person from each of the twelve tribes puts a stone in the river once it returns back to normal to memorialize their crossing forever because they don't understand what water does to stone over time. Then, I have deja vu because this chapter repeats the exact same events we just read about. The river was parted, they crossed it, it turned back to normal, they put rocks in it. In case you forgot.

Chapter 5: 

God wants Joshua to circumcise the Israelites a second time which I hope means that they're circumcising those who were born after the circumcision party and not that the Israelites literally all have to do it a second time.  And do you know where they're holding this second circumcision party?

"He circumcised the Israelites at Foreskins Hill."

THAT IS A DIRECT QUOTE. I AM NOT PARAPHRASING. Foreskins Hill sounds like a death metal band.

After Josh is finished getting up close and personal with every Israelite skin flute, the Israelite people celebrate passover.

After celebrating the Israelites begin to march on Jericho and Josh meets a stranger with a sword. A literal one. Thankfully Joshua gets a penis break. Josh asks the sword holding stranger if he is on the Israelite side or the enemy's side.

"Neither! I'm the commander of the LORD's heavenly force. Now I have arrived!"

I mean technically that mean's he's on the Israelite's side and this heavenly soldier is needlessly pedantic. Joshua fell on his face to worship the heavenly soldier.

Josh asks: "What is my master saying to his servant?" Hoping for some meaningful words.

"Take your sandals off your feet because the place where you are standing is holy."

What. A. Prick.

I thought about ending this with a drawing of Foreskins Hill but none of us should be subjected to that. Here's a raccoon on a bike instead:

Deuteronomy 31-34

I owe an apology to my two readers for missing last week. I did read the last 4 chapters of Deuteronomy but didn't have the strength to try and make them amusing or interesting. I think the only solution is to offer up some of my poor drawing skills and hope that somehow spices things up.  

Chapter 31:

Moses informs the Children of God that he is 120 years old and must move on as their leader. I thought today's retirement age was unreasonably high. So the Israelites are celebrating Moses's retirement party when God rudely reminds Moses for the umpteenth time that's it's almost Die O'Clock. 

I mean, that's usually what we're all thinking at a retirement party God, but take it down a notch. 

Then Moses and Lord have a chat. 

Lord: "You're going to die soon."

Moses: "Yes, I remember." 

Lord: "And I'm still not going to let you see the Promised Land." 

Moses: "Got it."

Lord: "You know once you die, those fuck ups down there are going to fuck up again." 

Moses: "Shocker." 

Lord: "I'm going to punish them a lot." 

Moses: "No way."

Lord: "I need you to sing them a song to remind them of how much they disappoint me." 

Moses: *Sigh* "Yeah, got it." 

Chapter 32: The Guilt Trip Song

"Hey listen up. God is super awesome.
He's always just and reasonable
and definitely doesn't overreact 
and punish randomly.
He's really swell.

You guys really suck and that's not his fault. 
Remember that time you worshipped a golden cow?
Remember how I specifically told you not to? 
You're all the worst. 
Worse than Lot's creepy daughters.

God thought about doing some really horrible stuff to you
or letting other nations do really horrible stuff to you
but he decided that would make him look weak
for once God's insecurities are going to work in your favor."

Maybe that wasn't the song word for word but the general idea is in there. 

God and Moses have one last heart to heart. 

Lord: "You're still not going to see the Promised Land. Everything you've worked for for decades will be wasted. Just so we're clear on that. You're going to die. Die never succeeding in the task you struggled so hard for. You'll never see the Promised Land. You're just going to die in a Broken Promises Land which is most lands." 

Moses: *Sigh*

Lord: "In case you forgot." 

Chapter 33: 

Moses blesses some tribes and hopes that they do great things like conquer and pillage other lands and have lots of babies with nameless women.  

Chapter 34:

God reminds Moses one last time:

"'. . . the Lord said to him, 'This is the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob when I said, ‘I will give it to your descendants.’ I have let you see it with your eyes, but you will not cross over into it.'"

OMG we get it! Moses probably can't wait to die so he doesn't have to listen to God's lecturing anymore. 

The chapter then ends ominously: 

"Since then, no prophet has risen in Israel like Moses, whom the Lord knew face to face,  who did all those signs and wonders the Lord sent him to do in Egypt—to Pharaoh and to all his officials and to his whole land.  For no one has ever shown the mighty power or performed the awesome deeds that Moses did in the sight of all Israel."

I told you Josh was going to be a fuck up. 

And now we're finished with Deuteronomy!!!!

RIP Moses