Sunday, July 2, 2017

Judges 19: The Worst Chapter Ever

Happy birthday America. To celebrate the state of our country, let's talk about the worst chapter in this book, which is saying something because it had some serious competition. This chapter gave me a lot of feelings and when I have a lot of feelings I put in a lot of GIFS because expressing the emotions this chapter forced upon me with words is beyond my vocabulary. 

The chapter ominously starts with "In those days Israel had no king." i.e. shit's about to get real you guys. 

We're off to our usual not so female friendly start when a man's "concubine" is "unfaithful" to him and runs away back to her family.

I looked some stuff up. "Concubine" is another word for wife. Not the best pet name. 

The book is vague about what exactly "unfaithful" means and why she runs away in the first place. After reading this chapter, my theory isn't that she's a bored housewife. 

The Levite husband who has no name (which in no way makes up for all the nameless women in this book) chases after his nameless concubine wife. Eventually the husband takes his wife back and they head out on a road trip. The husband and concubine stop in Gibeah. They sit in the city square until an old man finds them and offers them a place to stay, but not before creeping them out with ominous warnings of doom as every old person in a horror story must do, "don't spend the night in the square." Why old man?! What's wrong with the square?!

We're about to get deja vu either because this book is trying to metaphor something or it's a hot mess. Remember Lot and his guests? Remember how the whole town wanted to rape his guests and Lot was all "Hey you guys, you can't rape my guests but go ahead and take my virgin daughters"? But horrific gang rape was averted by an act of God? Well, God's not in this book anymore. He's with Gendry out in a canoe. 

The town surrounds the old man's home and demands that they give up the Levite husband so that they can reenact Deliverance. 

Then, the owner of the house says some stuff that I'm just going to quote directly because there's nothing I can say to make it any more ridiculous than it actually is. Satire is holding a mirror to society and if you try to satirize what already feels like a satire of reality, you're just holding a mirror to a mirror and then we're just in a terrifying funhouse of mirrors with no escape. Welcome to 2017. Anyway, this is what the old man says word for fucking word:

"No, my friends; don't be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don't do this outrageous thing. Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But as for this man, don't do such an outrageous thing." 

Let's break this down. 

Firstly, "my friends"? you think a "Hey, buddy, let's think this through?" works on a group of rapists?  

Secondly, "Since this man is my guest" because it'd be totes fine to rape someone so long as he's not a guest right? 

Thirdly, "Look, here is my virgin daughter" go fuck yourself.

Fourthly, "and his concubine" and she's not your guest? Go fuck yourself with a Saguaro Cactus. 

Fifthly, "You can use them and do to them whatever you wish." They only said sex.They didn't have the imagination to think of more things until you suggested it you sick sick bastard.

Sixthly, "But as for this man, don't do such an outrageous thing." BECAUSE IT'S ONLY OUTRAGEOUS IF IT'S MAN ON MAN RAPE RIGHT?!

There aren't enough table in the world to soothe my lady rage. 

But the men weren't into that, so the Levite husband gets into hero mode and takes things into his own hands, sacrificing himself for the safety of everyone. JK he sends his "concubine" out there. 

"and they raped and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go." 

At dawn, the concubine lays motionless on the doorstep. Her loving husband steps outside and takes her up in his arms, screaming to God "Why oh why did you take her from me?!" Just kidding:

"He said to her 'Get up. Let's Go." 

When there was no answer, he threw her on his donkey and went on his way. When he returns home with her, he chops her up into twelve pieces and sends her body parts into all the areas of Israel. 

Let's take a moment and remember that the book did not actually specify if she was already dead or not and NO I don't think that the Levite husband is above thinking she's now useless since she was used up by rapists and decides the best thing to do is to put her out of her misery like a horse with a broken leg. 

The people of Israel who receive the Levite's gift baskets react with way more enthusiasm than I am comfortable with: "Such a thing has never been seen or done, not since the day the Israelites came up out of Egypt. Just imagine! We must do something! So speak up!"

There are better ways to get woke people.