Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Deuteronomy 1-17

It's been awhile. I'm not going to apologize for it. You'd procrastinate on reading something titled "Deuteronomy" too. I could probably summarize what's going to happen without reading it. If I had to guess, this section is going to list off the same rules about dietary restrictions, cleanliness, holidays, how to sacrifice animals, etc. Also, God is going to get randomly angry and smite people in creative ways. Everyone will still be wandering in a desert by the end of the section.  The Israelites will conquer some land,  divide that land, destroy some false idols, and possibly have illicit sex with the locals. If I'm wrong about any of these predictions, if this upcoming section actually surprises me in any way, I'll write an apology note to the authors James and Jesus.

I'm going to try and plough through this section to get it over with. So far, it's not all that funny, so I'll be relying heavily and cheaply on swear words for humorous effect. Onward bitches. 

(I'm sorry if the "bitches" thing seemed too aggressive. It's been a long day.)

Chapter 1: 

The section starts off with Moses reminiscing over the Israelites and God's fave memories together. Like remember that time they conquered some land? Remember when they killed the locals for not believing in a god with a capital G? Those were good times right guys? 
And remember all those times you rebelled against God? And remember how he smited you so good for that? Oh right, you can't remember, because if you rebelled, you're super dead. Good times, guys. 

Chapter 2: 

Moses continues to reminisce about some other super exciting stuff like about that time the Israelites had to walk around a different part of the desert and they like, passed some land, and one time, they didn't get into a war over land and just left people alone because God told them to for reasons. And then God told them to kill some other king name Sihon, ruler of the Amorites, and all his people because of some other reasons. The Israelites tried to make peace with Sihon but God thought that was boring and stupid, so he hardened Sihon's heart (just like the Pharaoh in Egypt! God's not a fan of free will) so the Israelites killed Sihon and all his people, men, women, and children. Yay good guys! 

Chapter 3: 

And remember how we defeated this other king and killed all his people? King Og? Yeah, fuck Og. Do you remember that Og had a bed that was 13 feet long and 6 feet wide? Og wasn't 13 feet tall. Og was such a tool. Glad we murdered him and also all those other men, women, and children.

Remember when we divided all that land? Man, I love dividing land. 

Remember that time I pleaded for my life and how the LORD denied me despite all my loyal service? I think that's your guys' fault btw. I'm going to die here and never see the Promised Land. You know who's going to lead you now? Joshua. What kind of name is that for a leader? Fucking Josh? Have you ever in your life ever met a reliable guy named Josh? You haven't. You absolutely have not. Josh's are the worst. 

Chapter 4:

And another thing guys.

We need to go over the rules again. We haven't gone over those enough.

Remember how you had sex with those Moabite women? God hates when you have sex with people who aren't at least 50% likely to be your first cousin, so stop doing that. 

Aren't rules the best guys? We should be greatful for all the awesome rules that God took the time to force upon us. 

(If you think I'm exaggerating the ass-kissing, here's the quote: "See, I have taught you decrees and laws as the LORD my God commanded me, so that you may follow them in the land you are entering to take possession of it. 6 Observe them carefully, for this will show your wisdom and understanding to the nations, who will hear about all these decrees and say, “Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people.” 7 What other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the LORD our God is near us whenever we pray to him? 8 And what other nation is so great as to have such righteous decrees and laws as this body of laws I am setting before you today?" Moses is trying so hard not to die.)

Chapter 5: 

Remember the Ten Commandments? Well, it does't matter because I'm going to repeat them again. 

Chapter 6: 

Don't piss God off or he'll smite you. Pass on the fear of God to your children. 

Chapter 7: 

You guys are into conquering land and killing the locals right? Good, because you're going to be doing a whole lot more of that. 

Chapter 8: 

Don't forget all that God has done for you. Or else. 

Chapter 9:

You're going to go conquer some land now, not because any of you deserve land, it's because these people are evil. 

Remember that time you pissed God off with the golden calf? You people are the worst. You deserve nothing. Remember how I helped you out and pleaded for your lives? Yeah, doesn't matter though because I'm totally dying anyway. Fucking Josh. 

Chapter 10-17: 

Hey, did you read the last 4 sections of this book? Then you don't need to read these chapters. 

And we're halfway through Deuteronomy! 

Here's a cheap celebratory gif: