II Samuel 1-3

Howdy Bible Babes, I hope you've been well. I've been away because of excuses you don't care about. You should be used to abandonment by now just as the Israelites are (from God).

Chapter 1: 

David learns of Saul's death via a considerate Palestinian messenger who assisted Saul in his suicide. You could call it "assisted suicide." David is upset with this man because he killed Saul. Let's break down what this man did. First, Saul was dying a slow death he had inflicted upon himself. Saul asked this man to put him out of his misery, so the Palestinian man did. Then this man who had no obligation whatsoever, took the time to reach out to David. David, the backstabbing enemy of the Palestinians. He risked his life to make sure David knew about Saul's death and how he died, not in a villainous braggy way, but in a considerate way. Is this man rewarded? Not in this book he isn't. David our hero kills this man because Saul was supposed to be protected by God and anyone who would kill him should be punished even though God broke up with Saul forever ago, even though Saul was in the way of David being king. Even though Saul tried to kill David and everyone David cared about MANY TIMES. Guys, I hate David. I hate David more than Saul. At least Saul was fun and tried to impale people. David is a real Littlefinger.

Then David, ever the calculated politician, goes on to pretend to care about Saul's death with dramatic displays of shirt ripping.

David sings one of those garbage songs that don't even rhyme to honor Saul and Jonathan and the only part of the song that matters is this line:

"I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;/ you were very dear to me./ Your love for me was wonderful,/ more wonderful than that of women."

Chapter 2:

David still has to keep fighting to be King because one of Saul's sons who was never mentioned before, Ish-Bosheth, became King in the North. He doesn't rule with his pet dire wolf though just Saul's human General, Abner. Fighting happens. It is not interesting. One of David's nephews, Asahel chases General Abner around and Abner keeps telling him to stop it. It's one intense war. Asahel does not stop chasing Abner so Abner kills him. Then, Asahel's two brothers, Abishai and Joab chase Abner. Abner is all:

Abner can not handle tag. Joab thinks this is a good point and decides to let Ish whatever and Abner go.

Also, they mention some prophecy that says David will only rule for 7 years. 7. Fucking. Years. All of this bullshit for 7 years? That's not even 2 terms as president. David, find something else to do so I can start reading about someone more interesting than you again.

Chapter 3:

According to the chapter, David's power is growing because he has 6 sons. Apparently sons are a powerful energy source, very fuel efficient.

He has 6 sons with 5 wives. At first I thought maybe David was considerate about how many kids each vagina has to pop out but then I remembered this book doesn't care about women and they're just not mentioning the daughters who are not at all fuel efficient.

Remember that son of Saul no one cares about? Osh Kosh Bogosh or whatever? He's upset with Abner the General because he slept with one of Saul's concubines Rizpah. She's a special concubine. She even gets a name. Abner continues his record of flawless debating skills by getting mad at Osh Kosh for accusing him of doing a thing he absolutely did do. He then proceeds to threaten little Oshy and says he's going to change sides and help David now. Abner loves his sex workers, lies, and switching sides against his supposed allies. He's a real wildcard. Thank goodness this behavior is only allowed from a fictional political figure. Could you imagine if someone like that were allowed to rule over a nation?

Abner sends a message to David and says he'll deliver Israel to him. David says that's swell and he'll need that stolen wife Michal back too. He had to pay 100 Philistine foreskins to get her after all.

Hey, David, wives aren't like...trading cards.

Michal is sent to David while her husband follows weeping behind her. I didn't make that up. That detail is added in the book, but it doesn't matter. That man's tears cannot equal the worth of a hundred Philistine foreskins and it's time for Michal to be returned to...the hero...of this story.

Abner talks to all the elders of Israel and preps for David to rule and little Oshy just...has to deal with it. David throws Abner a big feast to celebrate David's rule and mentions he has a few more things to prepare and walks off in peace.

Until, Joab sees him. Remember Joab? Joab was Ashael's brother. Remember Ashael? Abner killed him in an intense game of tag? And Joab could have killed him then but didn't because of no reason whatsofuckingever? Joab decides it's now time to avenge his brother's death with an old fashioned stomach stabbing.

David is not pleased and curses Joab's family with running sores, leprosy, disabilities, death, and hunger. I'm not sure how well this family curse will avoid overlap with David's since they are family and the families in this book tend to get their family tree branches tangled up in each other. If the curse doesn't cause disabilities, the incest should take care of that.

David then makes Joab and all the people with him wear sackcloth and walk in a mourning parade for Abner. David brings up the caboose, cries, and makes a big show of fasting. The Israelites are impressed with this display of bullshit and believe that he had nothing to do with Abner's death. I see you David. 

Samuel 29-31

Hello nicknameless readers of this blog (BibleBangers? The Begatted Bunch? I need suggestions). I hope you are doing well in these dark times. Let's read about people with worse lives until we feel better.

Chapter 29:

There's another war between the Philistines and Israelites and if I still encouraged a drinking game for this book, I would suggest you take several shots but we are now too responsible and have work in the morning and people think it's weird when you have a hangover from the bible.

David is still playing the double agent and plans on going to war with the Philistines but literally everyone but King Achish doesn't trust him. They remind the King of that hit song about David's murder adventures, a murder jingle, if you will:

"'Saul has slain his thousands, 
and David his tens of thousands'"

The Philistines are rightly concerned David will betray them. He has been doing so the entire time, killing off villages of Philistine people, men, women and children. Remember, he's our hero.

King Achish reassures David that he's still his angel:

"'. . . you have been as pleasing in my eyes as an angel of God'"

Unfortunately David has got to stay behind, alone, unsupervised. I assume people have a hard time thinking stuff through in this book because they have never not been at war. Thinking stuff through is for times of peace.

Chapter 30:

David and his merry men go to Ziklag. I know nothing about Ziklag other than its got a sick name. Turns out while David was away, Zilag was attacked by the Amalekites who captured all the wives and children including David's two wives. Personally, if I had two wives, I would keep one in a different city as back up. Why even have a second wife at all if not for backup?

The others start discussing whether or not to stone David which is the appropriate feedback when someone lets you down. We should bring it back. Conveniently for David he feels some God strength and instructs his men to bring him the "ephod." Said ephod is not described so let's ahead and visualize a magic 8 ball with God inside.

He shakes the magic God ball after asking if he should pursue the Amalekites who took his and many other wives and God gives him the go ahead. David and his 600 men pursue the Philistines but 200 of the men get sleepy and left behind which is going to lead to an argument. 

They track down their enemies and everyone is saved with little to no conflict. They even get bonus plunder. There is an argument about whether the 200 sleepyheads deserve any additional plunder but David decides they do deserve it even though they helped in no way at all. No one is stoned or murdered. 

Chapter 31:

Back to Saul. Ghost Samuel's prophecy comes true and Saul's sons are killed two sentences in INCLUDING JONATHAN. 

Saul asks his armor bearer to kill him because he doesn't want to leave that up to the Philistines who might get more creative about it. The armor bearer refuses so Saul must do it himself. He chooses to fall on his sword. I don't care even a little bit. 

The Philistines humiliate Saul by decapitating him and hanging his and his son's bodies on the wall of Beth Shan. I'm not making another map for these places so let's just picture that wall from The Handmaid's Tale or picture whatever type of wall you think would be good for hanging bodies. Let your imagination run wild. 

The people of Jabesh Gilead go and rescue the bodies to burn them, presumably to keep them from becoming white walkers. 

Samuel Part 1 is finished but I will put no celebratory GIF in here because we still have a Part 2 even though Samuel is dead. I'm sure Part 2 will be in no way repetitive and pointless. 

I'm going to miss Jonathan so much. 

Samuel 26-28

Salutations bible readers. I haven't written for sometime because much like this book, my life lacks consistency.

Chapter 26:

The Zipeths yet again cannot Zipeth their Lipeths and tell Saul where David is hiding. Saul promised before to spare David's life. He gave a big speech and everything but Saul isn't great with promises or sanity. 

Saul takes 3000 men to go find David but David sees them because it's really easy to spot 3000 men in the desert. None of Saul's men see David because David hides in the wilderness like a real nomad outlaw.

Saul and his men get sleepy and do not consider getting someone to stay up to keep watch because they are too tired to think of good ideas. David is able to sneak up on him once again. David brings some men, whose names do not matter to me or you, and one of those men gets a murder boner:

"Today God has delivered your enemy intro your hands. Now let me pin him to the ground with one thrust of the spear; I won't strike him twice."

Sir Bragalot is really proud of his ability to stab a sleeping target.

David's all "but Saul's protected by God" because this book is in love with repetition.

David steals Saul's water jug and spear and runs off to a hill on the other side of the camp then proceeds to shout taunts at Saul's army, which I can respect.

"'Why didn't you guard your lord the king? Someone came to destroy your lord the king. What you have done is not good. As surely as the Lord lives, you and your men must die, because you did not guard your master, the Lord's anointed. Look around you. Where are the king's spear and water jug that were near his head?'"

Saul's army:

Saul and David have yet another heart to heart.

David: "Why are you still following me?"

Saul: "I have literally no idea."

Saul promises to stop doing that again. We'll see how that goes.

Chapter 27:

For some reason, David doesn't really trust Saul not to murder him. David hides in Philistine territory where Saul will never look for him and makes an alliance with King Achish. King Achish immediately gives David land as soon as David asks because of reasons.

David says he will go raiding his own people for King Achish but surprise twist he is actually raiding Philistine people and brings back animals and clothing to the King to "prove" he has been raiding. How can he keep up this charade without word getting out? Easy, David simply murders every man, woman and child wherever he raids so no one can tell on him. He kills the people of the King who gave him free land. David is the hero of this story. The mass murdering hero.

No one at any point gets suspicious that several Philistine towns are filled with nothing but dead bodies and every time David comes back, King Achish asks him where he has been raiding and every time David lies and gets away with it.

"Achish trusted David and said to himself, 'He has become so obnoxious to his people, the Israelites, that he will be my servant for life.'"

David is getting away with it because King Achish assumes everyone hates him. 

Chapter 28:

King Achish has still failed to notice that many of the people in his kingdom have been murdered and has promoted David to be his lifetime bodyguard. Communication is lacking in the Philistine community. 

Saul is concerned about the Philistine army and wants to talk to God about it but God moved on from Saul the Donkey Lover many chapters ago. Saul has a hard time letting go.

Saul decides the next best thing is to talk to Samuel even though he is dead, so he finds a Ms. Cleo to harass Samuel beyond the grave. Saul actually outlawed and threatened to execute any mediums, but because he needs one now, it's fine. Hypocrisy is a prerequisite for political figures. 

Saul the master of disguise disguises himself by...changing into some other clothes. 

Saul finds himself a medium in Endor. Not that one. He asks her to "consult a spirit" for him. She points out that that is illegal. He says it's fine. He gives no reason as to why it would be fine but she's fine with it anyway until he asks for Samuel. She realizes the cleverly disguised man is Saul because no one else would want to talk to Samuel. He was way too judgmental and nobody needs that. 

Saul tells her not to be afraid so she continues because she does not understand how bad Saul is at refraining from attempted murder. 

Saul: "'What do you see?"'

Medium: "'I see a ghostly figure coming out of the earth.'"

Saul: "'What does he look like?'"

Medium: "'An old man wearing a robe is coming up'"

"Then Saul knew it was Samuel."

Old man wearing a robe. Checks out. 

Samuel's death rest has not made him anymore polite: "'Why have you disturbed me by bringing me up?'"

Saul complains that God isn't talking to him anymore. 

Samuel: "Yeah, and?"

Samuel also mentions that Saul and his sons are going to die the very next day like an even more efficient Samara. 

Yeah, this one. 

Samuel 25

Samuel finally dies and it gets about a sentence of attention even though this entire chapter is named after him. I guess judging people your whole life doesn't make too many people cry at your funeral. 

David goes to some new places. In the newest place there is a sheep shearer named Nabal with a wife named Abigail. You can tell Abigail is going to be important because she a woman with a name. 

Nabal is described as a fool and stingy. Abigail is described as intelligent and beautiful, in that order. Slow down Bible, we get lady names and intelligence in a woman implied as a more important trait than physical appearance? Did the authors take a women's studies class halfway through writing this thing?

David sends his men to Nabal to ask for food and supplies. His argument is that they've never done anything bad to him and therefore are owed things. Seriously. 

"'Now I hear that it is sheep-shearing time. When your shepherds were with us, we did not mistreat them, and the whole time they were at Carmel nothing of theirs was missing. Ask your own servants and they will tell you. Therefore be favorable toward my men, since we come at a festive time. Please give your servants and your son David whatever you can find for them.'"

Nabal: 

David: "'Each of you strap on your sword!'"

The book makes it sound like David is our hero and Nabal is a greedy idiot but I'm firmly on Team Nabal. 

David is clearly a mafia boss. 

"Hey, small business owner, we haven't done anything bad to you yet so give us stuff or else."

I have decided that David sucks now. 

The intelligent and beautiful Abigail hears word that David and his men are coming and she takes action by secretly loading up donkeys with food items which the book lists in great detail, more detail than was given to Samuel's death and funeral. 

The Holy Bible authors

When Abigail finds David and his merry mafia men in the woods she bows to him and apologizes for Nabal: 

"'Please pay no attention, my lord, to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name-his name means Fool.'"

She does not mention that the Fool is her husband. 

Abigail proceeds to fangirl pretty hard all over David. Also, she keeps calling him "my lord" while also talking about God Lord and it's all very confusing. 

"'And now, my lord, as surely as the Lord your God lives and as you live, since the Lord has kept you from bloodshed and from avenging yourself with  your own hands, may your enemies and all who are intent on harming you my lord be like Nabal.'" . . . "'Please forgive your servant's presumption. The Lord your God will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my lord,because you fight the Lord's battles, and no wrongdoing will be found in you as long as you live.'" 

This goes on for AWHILE.  

David praises the God Lord with a capital L that Abigail saved him a murder trip. 

"'. . . if you had not come quickly to meet me, not one male belonging to Nabal would have been left alive by daybreak.'"

When Abigail gets home, Nabal is getting lit with a huge banquet, sort of rubbing it in that he could have spared some food and chose not to. When he sobers up, Abigail breaks the news of her betrayal to him and "his heart failed him and he became like a stone." 10 days later the Lord strikes Nabal down dead or maybe it was a heart attack from all that banqueting and partying or maybe Abigail murdered him. There are no autopsies in this book. 

When David hears about Nabal's death he responds like a respectful human would about the death of another:

"'Praise be to the Lord, who has upheld my cause against Nabal for treating me with contempt. He has kept his servant from doing wrong and brought Nabal's wrongdoing down on his own head.'" 

David waits approximately no time at all before sending his servants to propose to Abigail on his behalf much like a middle school student asking someone out to a dance. Abigail waits approximately no time at all before saying yes. Move over Elsa, we've got a new ice queen. 

The last line of the chapter quickly mentions that David takes a 3rd wife. David can get all the beard wives he wants. He's not fooling me. #DavidandJonathan4evah

Samuel 23-24

Hey everybody. I've got some bad news. The book is getting stupid again and not in a fun way. Saul keeps searching for David. David keeps running away. This is basically the entire plot:

Chapter 23:

David is hiding out but hears the Philistines are attacking the Keilah. I assume the Keliah are in some way important. 

The Philistines are "looting the threshing floors" which I choose to purposefully misunderstand as a euphemism though it's probably something really boring and related to farming.

David asks God if he should help the Keliah (Are they people? Cows? Unicorns?) 

God: "Duh."

David checks with his men. They are afraid to go. David checks in with God again. 

God: "Seriously?"

David saves the Keliah unicorns and what an exciting journey it was.

Saul hears that David is in Keliah and thinks that it's finally his chance to get him:

"'God has delivered him into my hands, for David has imprisoned himself by entering a town with gates and bars.'"

David already hears of Saul's plot, because much like Game of Thrones, this books shuns the concept of time and distance.

That's right. Deep cut Game of Thrones references. 

David asks God if Saul would actually come to Keliah. 

God: "Yeah, probably." 

David asks God if it's cool to just chill out in Keliah anyway. The people wouldn't turn him over to King Saul after he just saved them right? Right?

God: "Why do I like my kings so stupid?"

David and his 600 men leave and live as nomads, moving from place to place. Saul finds out that David is no longer in Keliah and therefore, doesn't go to Keliah.

The suspeeeeeense.

David and his men hide out the desert of Ziph. Saul actually goes in search of David himself but cannot find David or his 600 men. David learns that Saul is on the prowl and is worried for his life.

Somefuckinghow Jonathan is able to find David in the desert just fine. I assume it's because love defies all logic. Jonathan continues to stupidly reassure David:

"'Don't be afraid,' he said. 'My father Saul will not lay a hand on you.'"

Just a spear.

Jonathan goes on to reassure David that he is destined to be king and Jonathan will be at his side. No word on Jonathan's sister, David's actual wife, and which side she gets to be on. 

The two cement their totally platonic friendship by performing yet another covenant before God, whatever you choose to believe that means.

The Ziphethes of the desert do not know how to Zipeth their Lipeths and rat David out to Saul. The chase is on. David finds out that Saul knows he's in Zipth, so he runs to some new places I don't care about mentioning. Saul finds out about those new places and chases David to even more places. At one point, David literally hides behind a rock. Saul chases David around a mountain and the Benny Hill theme song presumably plays on in the background.

Saul almost gets David but unfortunately gets murder-blocked with the news that Team Rocket The Philistines are raiding some threshing floors again and Saul has to go deal with it because he's the King or whatever.

Chapter 24:

The chase is on again. Saul takes 3,000 men to search for David but David and his men win this round of hide and seek. 

During the chase, King Saul needs a timeout to use the bathroom and decides to venture out alone, unsupervised, to a dark cave, the logical thing for a political leader to do. King Saul does not scope out the cave before "relieving himself." 

Surprise surprise, David and his SIX HUNDRED men are all hiding in the cave and Saul doesn't notice the SIX HUNDRED men. 

Saul must not get a lot of fiber in his diet because in the time it takes to relieve himself, David has time to argue with his men about whether or not to murder Saul, sneak up on Saul, cut a piece of his robe, change his mind about killing him, and go back to his men.  

Saul, honey, do yourself a favor and drink some prune juice. 

As Saul leaves the cave, David runs up after him and delivers the speech to end all speeches.

"'My lord the king!'" . . . "'Why do you listen when men say, 'David is bent on harming you'? This day you have seen with your own eyes how the Lord delivered you into my hands in the cave. Some urged me to kill you, but I spared you; I said, 'I will not lay my hand on my lord, because he is the Lord's anointed.' See, my father, look at this piece of your robe in my hand! I cut off the corner of your robe but did not kill you. See that there is nothing in my hand to indicate that I am guilty of wrongdoing or rebellion. I have not wronged you, but you are hunting me down to take my life. May the Lord judge between you and me. And may the Lord avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you. As the old saying goes, 'From evildoers come evil deeds,' so my hand will not touch you.'"

Someone get this man whatever award fictional people get for great speeches. 

Saul responds with...sanity? Though I have undermined that sanity by asking a friend to dramatically read his speech and she read that speech while wearing a velociraptor mask:

"'Is that your voice, David my son?' And he wept aloud. 'you are more righteous than I,' he said. 'You have treated me well, but I have treated you badly.'" 

Understatement of the year, but go on. 

"'You have just now told me about the good you did to me; the Lord delivered me into your hands, but you did not kill me. When a  man finds his enemy, does he let him get away unharmed? May the Lord reward you well for the way you treated me today. I know that you will surely be king and that the kingdom of Israel will be established in your hands. Now swear to me by the Lord that you will not kill of my descendants'or wipe out my name from my father's family.'"

David promises to never kill Saul's kids, because that's Saul's job. Saul returns home and David stays with his men in the cave.

Is a Holy Bible story going to actually end without violence and needless death? 

Samuel 21-22

Hello all. I hope you've been doing well or at least better than poor David, who is at the mercy of his Mad King father-in-law, Saul. 

Most in-law relationships can be difficult, but Saul has been attempting to impale his son-in-law and actual son with spears on a pretty regular basis. 

David finally realized that the whole attempted murder thing was not just a awkward phase for Saul, so he ran away with the help of his brother-in-law/totally platonic BFF, Jonathan. 

Chapter 21:

David runs away and hides at Ahmilek's house. Ahmilek is a priest and usually helps David talk to God and stuff, though now he is suspicious of the situation because David is alone.

David's excuse is that he's on a secret mission. He can't talk about it because it is . . . a secret. He explains that his men are going to meet up with him later and that he needs food for them. Ahmilek does not have normal food. He's too busy talking to God to buy groceries for emergency secret missions:

"I don't have any ordinary bread on hand; however, there is some consecrated bread here-provided the men have kept themselves from women."

Only virgins get carbs?

It is unclear what amount of quarantine time is needed to shed oneself of girl cooties but David is quick to reassure/lie to Ahmilek:

"Indeed women have been kept from us, as usual whenever I set out. The men's bodies are holy even on missions that are not holy. How much more so today!"

David proudly explains that his men can't even get laid when they're allowed to, and so they deserve some bread. 

Ahmilek goes to get the sad virgins some bread and then there is an ominous sentence:

"Now one of Saul's servants was there that day, detained before the Lord; he was Doeg the Edomite, Saul's chief shepherd."

Nothing further is mentioned about this. YET.

David asks Ahmilek if he has any weapons laying around, and guess what happens to just be laying around?

"'The sword of Goliath the Philistine, whom you killed in the Valley of Elah, is here'"

Oh, is that all?

Also, I know David has murdered a lot since then, but did Ahmilek seriously have to remind David who Goliath is?

"You remember that guy you killed? Yeah the big, confident one? In the valley?"

David accepts the sword of his slain enemy, and this is finally feeling like the the fantasy book we deserve. 

David's next destination is to see Achish king of Gath who is a Philistine and therefore an enemy of the Israelites. Therefore, DAVID's enemy. 

No character motivations are explained in the slightest. Achish immediately recognizes David because...David made no effort to disguise himself. 

David suddenly realizes that maybe this isn't a great plan or a plan at all. David's next great plan?:

"he pretended to be insane in their presence; and while he was in their hands he acted like a madman, making marks on the doors of the gate and letting saliva run down his beard"

David and Jonathan have similar planning skills. I ship them but I am concerned if they ever did get together officially, they would die very easily. 

Still, David's "plan" works. King Achish makes it clear that he doesn't have time for crazy and quickly shoots up to being my favorite character in this book. He brings in so much sass that I don't even need a reaction gif:

"'Look at the man! He is insane! Why bring him to me? Am I so short of madmen that you have to bring this fellow here to carry on like this in front of me? Must this man come into my house?'"

Chapter 22:

David's next move is to run away to a cave. His family hears about it and joins him in the cave. Also about 400 strangers join him in the cave. The strangers are people who are in distress, debt or discontentment, the three dreaded D's.   

Thinking Corner with MJ:

1. If 400 people found out about David living in a cave, it's not that great of a hiding spot is it?
2. Is David just posting for cave roommates on craigslist?
3.That's a big cave.
4. Their lives were so bad, they chose to live in a cave.
5. Anyone else in student loan debt want to join me in cave life?








David leaves the cave to go ask the king of Moab if he will take his mother and father in and protect them. David is fine living with 400 people in a cave, but living with his parents in that cave was really cramping his style. 

Then, David hides in a stronghold. Then, a prophet named Gad (who was clearly made a prophet just because his name was so similar) tells David to stop hiding and go to Judah. 

So many places. 

This section of the book is giving me Kerouac On the Road vibes. I did not like On the Road. If I've offended anyone who does love that book, I recommend writing a incomprehensible book length fever dream poem about your feelings, that I will never read. 

Meanwhile, back at the Mad King's lair, Saul is lecturing his men for not telling him that Jonathan was helping David. The lecturing goes on for some time, until that ominous sentence from the last chapter finally becomes relevant. 

"But Doeg the Edomite, who was standing with Saul's officials, said, 'I saw the son of Jesse come to Ahimelek'"

Mostly, I'm just shocked that the sentence ended up having a point. 

Saul sends for Ahimelek and all the men in his family and begins the interrogation with light, easy questions:

"'Why have you conspired against me?'"

 Ahimelek explains himself with logic because he doesn't know what he's dealing with:

"'Who of all your servants is as loyal as David, the king's son-in-law, captain of your bodyguard and highly respected in your household? Was that day the first time I inquired of God for him? Of course not! Let not the king accuse your servant or any of his father's family, for your servant knows nothing about this whole affair.'"

Saul: "'You will surely die, Ahimelek, you and your whole family.'"

Saul demands that his men kill Ahimelek and the men in his family, all of the priests, because they were, in his cray mind, conspiring against him. 

The men refuse to kill the priests because maybe these ones actually remember that Crazy Saul has got nothing on Crazy God. 

Saul suddenly remembers his emergency training. When you want help, you have to be specific. He tells Doeg the Edomite, to kill the priests. Doeg kills all 85 of them and yes, I am now picturing Doeg as The Mountain from Game of Thrones. Yes, I still make Game of Thrones references. 

You can't not picture it. 

Doeg really likes extra murder credit, so he takes it upon himself to go to Ahimelek's town and kill every man, woman, child, infant, cow, donkey and sheep there, too. 

One man escapes the murderdome and finds David to tell him what happened. David's response is barely remorseful:

"'I knew he would be sure to tell Saul. I am responsible for the death of your whole family. Stay with me; don't be afraid. The man wants to kill you is trying to kill me too. You will be safe with me.'"

Yeah, my bad. I'm the reason everything you love is dead, but do you want to hang out? They're trying to kill me too, so you'll be totally safe with me. Yes, safe with me, the target that brought wrath upon everything you loved in the first place. Have you not moved on yet?