Samuel 26-28

Salutations bible readers. I haven't written for sometime because much like this book, my life lacks consistency.

Chapter 26:

The Zipeths yet again cannot Zipeth their Lipeths and tell Saul where David is hiding. Saul promised before to spare David's life. He gave a big speech and everything but Saul isn't great with promises or sanity. 

Saul takes 3000 men to go find David but David sees them because it's really easy to spot 3000 men in the desert. None of Saul's men see David because David hides in the wilderness like a real nomad outlaw.

Saul and his men get sleepy and do not consider getting someone to stay up to keep watch because they are too tired to think of good ideas. David is able to sneak up on him once again. David brings some men, whose names do not matter to me or you, and one of those men gets a murder boner:

"Today God has delivered your enemy intro your hands. Now let me pin him to the ground with one thrust of the spear; I won't strike him twice."

Sir Bragalot is really proud of his ability to stab a sleeping target.

David's all "but Saul's protected by God" because this book is in love with repetition.

David steals Saul's water jug and spear and runs off to a hill on the other side of the camp then proceeds to shout taunts at Saul's army, which I can respect.

"'Why didn't you guard your lord the king? Someone came to destroy your lord the king. What you have done is not good. As surely as the Lord lives, you and your men must die, because you did not guard your master, the Lord's anointed. Look around you. Where are the king's spear and water jug that were near his head?'"

Saul's army:

Saul and David have yet another heart to heart.

David: "Why are you still following me?"

Saul: "I have literally no idea."

Saul promises to stop doing that again. We'll see how that goes.

Chapter 27:

For some reason, David doesn't really trust Saul not to murder him. David hides in Philistine territory where Saul will never look for him and makes an alliance with King Achish. King Achish immediately gives David land as soon as David asks because of reasons.

David says he will go raiding his own people for King Achish but surprise twist he is actually raiding Philistine people and brings back animals and clothing to the King to "prove" he has been raiding. How can he keep up this charade without word getting out? Easy, David simply murders every man, woman and child wherever he raids so no one can tell on him. He kills the people of the King who gave him free land. David is the hero of this story. The mass murdering hero.

No one at any point gets suspicious that several Philistine towns are filled with nothing but dead bodies and every time David comes back, King Achish asks him where he has been raiding and every time David lies and gets away with it.

"Achish trusted David and said to himself, 'He has become so obnoxious to his people, the Israelites, that he will be my servant for life.'"

David is getting away with it because King Achish assumes everyone hates him. 

Chapter 28:

King Achish has still failed to notice that many of the people in his kingdom have been murdered and has promoted David to be his lifetime bodyguard. Communication is lacking in the Philistine community. 

Saul is concerned about the Philistine army and wants to talk to God about it but God moved on from Saul the Donkey Lover many chapters ago. Saul has a hard time letting go.

Saul decides the next best thing is to talk to Samuel even though he is dead, so he finds a Ms. Cleo to harass Samuel beyond the grave. Saul actually outlawed and threatened to execute any mediums, but because he needs one now, it's fine. Hypocrisy is a prerequisite for political figures. 

Saul the master of disguise disguises himself by...changing into some other clothes. 

Saul finds himself a medium in Endor. Not that one. He asks her to "consult a spirit" for him. She points out that that is illegal. He says it's fine. He gives no reason as to why it would be fine but she's fine with it anyway until he asks for Samuel. She realizes the cleverly disguised man is Saul because no one else would want to talk to Samuel. He was way too judgmental and nobody needs that. 

Saul tells her not to be afraid so she continues because she does not understand how bad Saul is at refraining from attempted murder. 

Saul: "'What do you see?"'

Medium: "'I see a ghostly figure coming out of the earth.'"

Saul: "'What does he look like?'"

Medium: "'An old man wearing a robe is coming up'"

"Then Saul knew it was Samuel."

Old man wearing a robe. Checks out. 

Samuel's death rest has not made him anymore polite: "'Why have you disturbed me by bringing me up?'"

Saul complains that God isn't talking to him anymore. 

Samuel: "Yeah, and?"

Samuel also mentions that Saul and his sons are going to die the very next day like an even more efficient Samara. 

Yeah, this one.