Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Deuteronomy 18-21

Hi 2-5 people who read my blog. I'm sorry I've been away for so long. I've been spending the last few months of my life enjoying not reading the bible. I'm not sure why I'm doing it today. I guess I just have to find out if those crazy Israelites will ever get out of the desert. Will there be more incest? Will an interesting plot point happen again? Probably none of those things will happen, yet I just keep crawling back to this book of empty promises just like the Israelites keep crawling back to God's.

Let's burn through Deuteronomy so we can get to Joshua's adventures and read about how he will inevitably disappoint God just like the rest of them.

Chapter 18:

The tribe of Levi gets no inheritances. Because they're so special, they get to inherit God. This may seem like a raw deal and that's because it is, though they do get first dibs on the internal organs of sacrificial bulls, so it's not all bad.

Some travel advice from God: "When you enter the land the LORD your God is giving you, do not learn to imitate the detestable ways of the nations there."

Other cultures are the worst. Learn nothing about them.

One thing Lord and I agree on is that the Israelites shouldn’t burn people as punishment, though God’s reasoning is that that’s a witch custom and anything involving ladies making decisions is evil.

Lord then goes on to hint about a future prophet. He makes the prophet sound pretty special so it's probably not Josh. LG says that the prophet will basically be his own mouth puppet to tell the Israelites what to do. But what if some guy (because no way God's picking a chick) just makes up that he's the prophet and speaking on God's behalf you ask? Simple. If he's a liar, then none of his prophecies will come true. Duh. What if they predict something a thousand or so years in the future? You'll find out in the afterlife, which you'll be spending in hell, because you believed in the wrong prophet.

Chapter 19:

Every time the Israelites obtain new land, they must divide it into 3 parts. One part is what I will hereby call "Oops Island" because that's where all the accidental murderers run to for safety. LG gives an example as to why someone might require an Oops Island. You know when you go out with with your buddy to the woods to chop up some trees and how sometimes the axe handle flies off into your pal's most murderable bits instead of a tree? Then Oops Island is for you. Or maybe stop using shitty axes. Whichever.

More awesome rules from God: "One witness is not enough to convict anyone accused of any crime or offense they may have committed. A matter must be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses."

You're welcome rapists.

Chapter 20:

Just a lot of promises of land and victory in this section. It's a speech of empty promises of Khaleesi proportions.

Not so different from God except that God's cool with slavery..
Chapter 21:

Some more batshit crazy rules. But you know what? These ones are new to me so I will take the time to share them with you.

If you find some dude murdered in the middle of nowhere and don’t know who the killer is, take a cow from whichever city is closest and take it out on the animal. Presumably because murderers love animals and can’t help but confess. Do you think that Lord feels the heat of the desert too and it’s cooking his omnipotent brain?

If during one of the many many violent conquests you will be participating in, you find yourself all hot and bothered by a foreign lady, here are the rules for taking her as your wife: Ask for her consent and stop murdering her loved ones. Just kidding. Abduct her, shave her head, lock her up in a house for a month to get all the lady emotions out for her very dead family, then you can do whatever. If you get sick of her, go ahead and throw her back like a fish, but you can’t sell her into slavery. That’s where LG draws the line.

Say you have two wives, because you’re a peasant and could only afford the two. Say you hate one of them. What if the one you hate gives birth to a son first? Are you really stuck passing your inheritance on to that one? Yes. And side note: Stop having sex with women you hate. Also, stop marrying women you hate.

Is your teenage son in that moody rebellious stage? Disobeying you? Quoting Catcher in the Rye? Well, you don't have to put up with that nonsense any longer.

"If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. They shall say to the elders, 'This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.' Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid."

Insert some pun about teenagers getting stoned here.