Kings I

Wow kids. Would you believe I haven't touched this thing in 3 years? I would. Reading this book is sheer torture and I will not apologize for abandoning you. However, I have returned. 

Will I finish this book before the world ends? Should I have started this blog on something other than Blogger? Will I bring back gifs despite Gen Z hating them? Who can say?  Let's make like Angela Bassett and do the thing. 

They can pry gifs and high-waist jeans out of my cold, dead hands. 

I'll square with you. I barely remember what has happened up to this point and I will not be rereading this book.

Kings I: 

We start things of with King David who is still alive and in charge because there are no term limits, which is FINE. He isn't doing so hot. He is very cold in fact. So cold that blankets cannot warm him. The solution?: 

'Let us look for a young virgin to serve the king and take care of him. She can lie beside him so that our lord the king may keep warm'

Yeah, checks out. Get this old, cold man his emotional support virgin. A young one. 

They searched for a beautiful one, because ugly girls cannot generate their own heat, let alone spare any for royalty. They find Abishag. I know what you're thinking, but don't even worry about it: 

" . . . the king had no sexual relations with her."

It kind of makes it weirder, right?

While King David is busy cuddling and slowly dying, one of his sons, Adonijah, schemes to take over the throne which was promised to one of his other sons, Solomon. You're probably thinking this will lead to intrigue and a battle of some kind because you've forgotten what most of this book is like. What actually happens is, Solomon is sent on a mule to Gihon which is a place, to be anointed as king. Adonijah begs forgiveness and...that's pretty much it. 

Kings II: 

King David dies but not before giving his final will and testament to Solomon. Mostly, it's just his dad's unfinished kill list of people who wronged him. His final words to his son are:

"You are a man of wisdom; you will know what to do to him. Bring his gray head down to the grave in blood."

David promised God he wouldn't kill these people, but Solomon didn't. David plants murder seeds that he will not have the joy of reaping himself and that's beautiful. 

Solomon's trifling brother, Adonijah, asks Solomon's mom to ask Solomon if he can marry David's cuddle widow, Abishag. Also, this is how people ask for favors:

"Now I have one request to make of you. Do not refuse me."

Bathsheba (Solomon's mom) passes along the message because of reasons:

" 'I have one small request to make of you,” she said. “Do not refuse me.' "

This is how I'm asking for favors from now on. 

 Solomon says he will not refuse his mother, but when he hears the request, he does not take it well. 

" 'May God deal with me, be it ever so severely, if Adonijah does not pay with his life for this request!'"

Look at Solomon. He's King for 1 minute and he's already carrying out his own murder debts. 

Solomon tells his assassin, Benaiah, to take his brother out and he does. Solomon then tells Benaiah to take care of his father's hit list. Abiathar, the priest is stripped of his priesthood and sent away. Joab tries to make a run for it and hides in the tabernacle which is supposed to be a safe place, but Solomon orders Benaiah to take him out anyway. Solomon exiles Shumei with the condition that if he leaves his land, he will be put to death. 3 years later, Shumei leaves his land to catch his runaway slaves and Solomon is as good as his word: 

" 'You know in your heart all the wrong you did to my father David. Now the Lord will repay you for your wrongdoing.' "

The wrongdoing isn't the slavery btw. That's FINE here.