Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Numbers 15-17

Hi again Holy Bible Blog Review readers. It's been a long time. I spent my summer working and studying the GRE which I passed. So now I'm back, at least until I'm a grad student.

I would summarize what we went over last time but this whole blog thing is already a summary of a book so if you need a refresher, read the past entries or don't. You're your own person. Onward!

Chapter 15: 

Lord talks about the kind of food gifts you can/should/absolutely have to give him unless you want to burn with the fire of a thousand suns. It is a very complicated system with very specific instructions about the type of food, down to the gender of the meat, the way it is burned, and the fraction that is to be given. Lord must be such a pain in the ass at restaurants.

If the whole community sins accidentally, and if you have seen how many rules there are, you can see how that can happen, the whole community must offer up a single ram to Lord.

If an individual sins accidentally, they must offer up a one year old female goat.

I can mostly get behind this. I am also more forgiving if people give me food. Though I'm not as picky as Lord. I'll accept any number of food items if you offend me accidentally or purposefully. However, Lord will not accept any food items for purposeful offenses i.e. intentional sin. Lord insists that an individual be forever cut off. He's still working on that whole merciful God thing.

The next section has a mini story. Once upon a time, the Israelites found a man gathering wood on the Sabbath. They took the man to Moses because they weren't sure what to do with him. Moses asks Lord what they should do with the man who did a thing on the Sabaath. Can you guess what Lord suggests? Is it:

a. Burns him with holy righteous fire
b. Has the whole community stone him to death in a way that's sure to bond them
c. Opens the ground beneath him to swallow him whole and also maybe a few innocent bystanders fall in
d. Forgives him and lets the man learn from the experience to then tell others of his super great leader

Hint. It's not d.

I'll tell you at the end of the blog and if you got the answer right, I want you to give yourself a little pat on the back.

The next section is Lord's fashion decree. He wants Moses and the Israelites to sew blue fringe cords on the ends of their clothing...so that they will not explore the lusts of their own heart or eyes?
The fringes help her reflect on her promises to the Lord.

Chapter 16:

250 men from various tribes get all jealous that Moses gets all this special attention from Lord considering they are all supposed to be the chosen people, and try to rise up against him. Moses gets so mad that he falls on his face then suggests that they all light some incense and see if they are worthy to approach the tabernacle.

Moses tries to send for some back up and back up is having none of it. Their reasons...confuse me:

"We won't come up! Isn't it enough that you've brought us up from a land full of milk and honey to kill us in the desert so that you'd also dominate us? Moreover, you haven't brought us to a land full of milk and honey"

You took us away from the land of milk and honey! Moreover, you actually never took us to a land of milk and honey in the first place!

So everyone gets their incense together as an offering to Lord. Moses tells Lord to pay no mind to the offering from the rebels.

Lord: "Stand aside a sec, I'm going to sort this out real quick."

Moses and Aaron:  "Wait, wait, Loooord, you're not planning on killing EVERYONE are you?"

Lord: "Would...that be an issue?"

Moses and Aaron: "Maybe...you could just kill the individuals that were actually causing a problem and not kill the entire community?"

Lord: "Fiiiiine, but everyone better get out of the way because I'm about to open the ground up and if anyone innocent bystanders are too close to the rebels" *shrug*

Lord then tells them to melt down all the incense censers that the rebels used, melt them down, and put them on the altar. He tells them to do this since the incense censers were in Lord's presence, they are now holy. Lord's not too concerned with modesty.

The very next day, after Lord's display of "mercy" more Israelites come to complain some more. They are not pleased with all of the murdering. I wouldn't be too pleased either but at this point, I'd be smart enough to keep that shit to myself. The Israelites are not so Lord plagues them some more with some plagues.

Aaron starts an incense ritual for reconciliation because Lord really calms down when he gets a whiff of that anti stress lemon grass smell. Eventually the plaguing stops, after only about 14,700 chosen people die. There's going to be so much free open space in that Land of Milk and Honey.

Chapter 17:

Lord tells Moses to take a staff from each chief of the twelve households and to write the chiefs' names on the staffs. Aaron takes over the Levi Household because the Levis are part of his priesthood. Once they do this, Aaron's staff sprouts blossoms and almonds which is okay. Everyone in this book seems really impressed with healthy food like almonds and apples. I mean, I think I'd be more inclined to accept Aaron as special if his staff grew waffles and more waffles. Moses shows the staffs to the Israelites and then puts it on the covenant to serve as a sign to the rebels. The Israelites are not pleased.

"We are perishing. We are being destroyed. All of us are being destroyed. Anyone who approaches the LORD's dwelling will die. Are we doomed to perish?"


Is this book a long horror novel about an all powerful murderer who starts off with good intentions until he slips into madness?

Did you guess the right punishment for the wood collector? It was b. the community stoned him to death! Give yourself a pat on the back.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

I Haven't Given Up On This

In case you were actually worried. I haven't forgotten or given up on this blog. I mostly just have time for working and studying for the GRE at the moment, but will return to the exciting adventures of the bible after August 17th when I take my test. Promise. And to make up for the abandonment, I'll draw another embarrassingly horrible bible related drawing.