Monday, September 25, 2017

Judges 20

Hello to the two people who read my blog and also hello to the 50 Facebook followers who thought this was a sincere blog of someone reviewing the bible. I'm sorry. 

It's been awhile. Please accept my drawing of a hipster dragon, which was created by a 28 year old human woman, and not a chimpanzee with a concussion, as my apology. 

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Everyone knows that chimpanzees only do abstract art. 
If you don't remember what happened last time and can't be bothered to read the last blog entry which is literally a summary, here's a shorter summary of that summary. A husband took his wife to a town called Gibeah where the Benjamites live. They stayed with an old man and his family until a mob swarmed the house demanding to rape the husband because that's just how people welcome newcomers in this book. 

The old man hosting them is all, "Don't be ridiculous you can't rape my guest! Go ahead and rape his wife though. And if you agree in the next 10 minutes, I'll throw in my daughters as a one time special offer!"

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The mob wasn't into it. The husband made his wife go outside anyway. Is that what chivalry is? Ladies first right? Bad things happen to the wife. The next morning, the husband who was totally capable of sleeping that night opened the front door to find his dead wife on the porch. Then, the husband dismembers his wife and sends her body parts all over the land as some kind of bat signal to the rest of the Israelites. There was a reason I needed a break from this book. 

Judges 20: 

All of Israel, minus the ladykiller Benjamites, respond to the lady parts bat signal and get together to discuss a plan of action. They ask the husband to describe what happened. it is unclear to me whether he sent a note with the body parts. Is sending a body part just shorthand for "Please send help?"

The Absolute Worst Husband Ever tells his side of the story:

"I and my concubine" Wife. "came to Gibeah in Benjamin to spend the night. During the night the men of Gibeah came after me and surrounded the house, intending to kill me." Mmmm that's not what they wanted. "They raped my concubine and she died." Leaving out some details. "I took my concubine, cut her into pieces and sent one piece to each region of Israel's inheritance." As one does. 

The Israelites accept his story then work on a needlessly complicated plan of action.

" 'We'll go up against it in the order decided by casting lots. We'll take ten men out of every hundred from all the tribes of Israel, and hundred from a thousand, and a thousand from ten thousand, to get provisions for the army." Someone is really excited about just learning how fractions work. " 'Then, when the army arrives at Gibeah in Benjamin, we can give them what they deserve for this outrageous act done in Israel.' So all the Israelites got together and united as one against the city."

The Israelites get together and go after the Benjamites. One sentence. Could have just used one sentence. 

The Israelites messengers try to convince the Benjamites to  turn over the specific people (men) responsible for the rape and murder of the concubine (wife) and if the Benjamites had read as much of the bible as I have, they'd realize how insanely reasonable it is for any character in this book to only want to punish the specific people responsible. Unfortunately, the Benjamites haven't read the bible, so they decide to fight and risk their lives on behalf of some murdering rapists...rapist murderers... murrapists...

The Benjamites get 26,000 swordsmen together. You gotta have your swordsman. Solid decision. That's what I'd round up. What else you got?

"Among these soldiers there were seven hundred select troops who were left-handed, each of whom could sling a stone at a hair and not miss."

Soooo just like...lefties who throw rocks? 

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Still more useful than him. 


The Israelites round up 400,000 men. This book really likes math. Jesus and James are probably Dungeons and Dragons nerds. 

The Israelites prepare for war by talking to God. The book doesn't specify how they do this so let's just picture them talking to a magic 8 ball.

The Israelites ask God which tribe they should send into battle first. My answer is...all of them...just send all your people against the very few people they have and end this, but the Israelites want to keep things fair. 

God says: "Judah shall go first."

Spoiler alert. God doesn't like Judah. 

The next morning, the Israelites go against the Benjamites...and lose. The Benjamites kill 22,000 men on the battlefield. 

Israelites. What are you doing? You have 400,000 men. They have 26,700 men. Are the lefty rock thrower really that good? 

The Israelites cry to their magic 8 ball and ask if they should fight again the next day which isn't really the right question to ask. 

God: "Go up against them."

The Israelites lose again. 

The Israelites sacrifice some animals to God, hoping he'll stop screwing with them. This time, God promises them a win. God loves dead animals. 

On the third day. The Benjamites cheerfully murder more of their former allies: "We are defeating them as before." That's definitely how people talk during battle. 

But little did the Benjamites know that THIS time the Israelites made something called a "plan."

The Israelites lead the Benjamites away from Benjamin and ambush them...with the hundreds of thousands of men...they had literally the whole time.

After defeating the Benjamites, the Israelites take over all of Benjamin. "The men of israel went back to Benjamin and put all the towns to the sword, including the animals and everything else they found

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No sudden movements.