Chapter 19:
David mourns the loss of his son, Absalom, who literally just died.
Joab, who secretly murdered that son, wants David to get over it.
"'Today you have humiliated all your men, who have just saved your life and the lives of your sons and daughters and the lives of your wives and concubines. You love those who hate you and hate those who love you. You have made it clear today that the commanders and their men mean nothing to you. I see that you would be pleased if Absalom were alive today and all of us were dead. Now go out and encourage your men. I swear by the Lord that if you don't go out, not a man will be left with you by nightfall.'"
Most of Israel had sided with Absalom because Absalom was objectively better in every way. Now that Absalom is dead and they're stuck with David, things are a little awkward. David tells them no hard feelings and even replaces Joab with Absalom's former commander.
Suck it Joab.
Shimei, who cursed David's name before, apparently didn't mean it. David is encouraged to put him to death because freedom of speech is not yet a thing. David opts for the forgiveness option instead. Sounds like someone is soft on crime to me.
David divides some land between elderly men. I could go into further detail but we have all suffered enough this year.
Other Israelite regions complain the town of Judah is monopolizing the king. The people of Judah "press their claims more forcefully" ie shout louder, and win.
Chapter 20:
David returns to the concubines that led to him being eskimo brothers with his own son. Instead of punishing them for something they had no control over, he gives them the palace they were house sitting and never has sex with them again.They are kept in confinement until their death which sounds awful but the entire world of this book sounds awful, so maybe it's not so bad. Is this how sorority houses got their start?
David must face off with another contender named Sheba. David's entire life consists of killing men who think they could be a better king because democracy does not yet exist.
David sends his new commander Amasa after Sheba but he never returns. He then sends Joab and Joab's brother Abishai after them. They find him a few sentences later and Joab gets to partake in his stabbing hobby:
"Joab was wearing his military tunic, and strapped over it at his waist was a belt with a dagger in its sheath. As she stepped forward, it dropped out of its sheath.
Joab said to Amasa, 'How are you, my brother?' Then Joab took Amasa by the beard with his right hand to kiss him. Amasa was not on his guard against the dagger in Joab's hand, and Joab plunged it into his belly, and his intestines spilled out on the ground."
They hide his body on the side of the road and continue on their murder trip to find Sheba. When they get to the city of Abel, they are met with an old lady. She does not get a name but she does get the adjective of "old" which is more important to her identity than her name.
Old lady wants to know why they want to come and threaten a peaceful city. Joab gets very defensive and says he does not wants trouble, he just wants to murder someone. The old lady is very helpful and says he'll get Sheba's head tossed over the wall to him. That is what happens. This mystery woman keeps the peace by decapitating anyone for anyone who asks and Joab gets to lead David's army again.
So uh...happy holidays.
