Samuel 3-5

Chapter 3: 

Samuel's trying to get some sleep but God keeps trying to send him a message

Samuel hears his name and assumes it is Eli calling to him. For three nights he gets up to see what his adopted priest father wants and during the first two nights, Eli doesn't know what Samuel is talking about and tells him to back to sleep. On the third night, it occurs to Eli, that maybe the fact that his adopted son is hearing voices in his head each night should be a cause for concern. 

"Then Eli realized that the Lord was calling the boy. So Eli told Samuel 'Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, 'Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.' "

The Lord comes, stands over Samuel, and calls his name and rather than freak tf out, as I would have done, Samuel lets Lord know that he is listening. Lord won't continue a conversation unless you signal that you're listening. Validation is very important to him. 

Lord informs little Samuel, in so many words, that he is going to kill his family. 

I think I figured out the connection in this meandering book of random characters and dropped story lines. It's all about Lord. It's a collection of short stories about this epic villain Lord starting off with good intentions and then just torturing everyone. At first we were kind of with him, seeing his intentions, characters talked to him more directly. Everyone disappointed him because they didn't love him enough and he runs away to his bat cave for awhile to think about stuff. Then he comes back worse than ever, to haunt children like the bogeyman and threaten their families. I wonder if anyone will be able to defeat him in the end. Or maybe someone will save him?

Eli asks Samuel what Lord said. Samuel is resistant at first to tell his adopted father that he and his whole family are going to die, but after some prodding, he passes on Lord's murder message. After that, Samuel is named a true prophet and becomes a celebrity at the expense of his dead family. 

Chapter 4: 

The Israelites and Philistines are fighting. The Israelites lose a battle and decide what they really need to win, is God's pokeball, the Ark of the Covenant. The Philistines are terrified, so terrified that they inspire each other to do better, win the battle against the Israelites, steal the Ark, and kill Eli's sons. 

Eli receives news of his dead sons and he takes it okay because he knew his sons were garbage but then they tell him that the Ark has been stolen and he falls back and cracks his head open. The pregnant wife of one of the dead sons receives news of her dead husband and the lost Covenant as she's giving labor...seems like they could have waited on that. She dies during labor, but not before she names her son:

"She named the boy Ichabod, saying 'The Glory has departed from Israel.'"

You remind us only of disappointment and failure.

Thanks mom.

Chapter 5:

The Philistines try to figure out where their new piece of god furniture should go. They start by putting it in the temple of one of their gods "Dagon." When they go to the temple the next morning, the statue of their god is kneeling before the Ark. That is some horror movie shit right there. 

They put the statue back and the next morning the statue is bowing again, only his head and hands have been broken off. 

God starts giving tumors to the people in the town surrounding the temple and the Philistines start to rethink the feng shui of where they put the Ark. They suggest sending it to another town, Gath, presumably because they hate them or the people of Gath are too poor to do much about it. 

Gath is no more tumor resistant than the last town, so they try to pass the pipeline Ark, onto Ekron. Ekron brings up that they are also not very tumor resistant, so the Philistines decide to give the Ark back to the Israelites. 

Samuel 1-2

Chapter 1: 

A man has two wives named Peninnah and Hannah. Aside from having a dope name that reminds me of Panini sandwiches, Peninnah has a womb just bursting with babies. Peninnah has all the babies, but the other wife, with the less interesting name, is barren. Anyone else think "barren" kind of sounds like the vagina is haunted? That's how I choose to think of it. Hannah isn't thrilled about her haunted vagina because Panini, can't stop flaunting her unstoppable ovaries to Hannah, so Hannah's super bummed that she can't do the only thing this book finds valuable about women. 

Still, Hannah's husband really seems to love her and doesn't mind that she can't have babies; he even gives her extra servings of food. If I were Hannah, I'd be excited about the infertility and special treatment. Then again, I'm someone who almost high-fived my OBGYN at the age of 16 when she told me I was going to have fertility problems throughout my life and wasn't likely to have a baby easily. She emphasized that I might feel differently about it in the future. I think about what she said now  sometimes when I'm looking at happy families, pushing their babies in strollers and on swings, and I think to myself,

"I wish I could call her now, and tell her that she's still super wrong."  

Anyway, Hannah doesn't have my outlook or any hobbies, so she prays to God to be able to have a child. She promises to dedicate her child  to God i.e. give the child to the Priest Eli to raise in the Lord's house. i.e. she's not even going to raise the child she's praying for.

She has a son named Samuel (like the chapter title!) and gives him away to Eli the priest. Priests, the most qualified to raise your sons alone without supervision.  

Chapter 2: 

Hannah channels her inner Kanye:  

"My mouth boasts over my enemies, 
for I delight in your deliverance"

"Do not keep talking so proudly 
or let your mouth speak such arrogance,
for the Lord is a God who knows"

"She who was barren has borne seven children, 
but she who has had many sons pines away."

TLDR: She can have kids now. Lord is her special friend. Peninnah can suck it. 

Samuel is doing really well as a priest in training and once a year Hannah visits him and brings him a new robe. Samuel appears to have no qualms with being given up to a stranger and having his entire life's purpose decided for him. He doesn't have any moody teenage outbursts or anything. Maybe some other literary chosen people could take a page out of the Samuel book: 

Eli, already has two sons of his own, Hophni and Phinehas and they are garbage people. They steal food meant to be sacrificed to Lord and they sleep around with women right in Lord's tent. Eli knows his kids are garbage and tries to warn them but they can't hear their father's warnings because Lord wants to relieve his glory plague days: 

"His sons, however, did not listen to their father's rebuke, for it was the Lord's will to put them to death."

Why let people grow and learn from their mistakes when you can just kill people and make an example out of them?

A man of God comes to Eli to tell him that he and his whole family are screwed. Everyone in his priest family line will die in the prime of their life and the few that he will "spare" will be blinded and weakened. 

Hey look Lord is back and getting on his favorite hobby: randomly and disproportionately punish people for minor slights. It's cool if you want to gang rape women to death and mutilate their bodies, but you better not drink that Lord broth. 

Ruth 3-4

Hi 1-3 people who read this blog. I hope you're having a nice plague free day.  Last time we left off, Ruth and Boaz had a meet cute that isn't so different from what I've been reading in the Weinstein exposes. She worked in his industry, doing farm stuff, tried to make her way in the world, then she catches Boaz's eye. He asks around about her, then aggressively tells her not to work anywhere else and that he'll set her up with all the perks. To review, the perks were: water and not getting sexually assaulted. So actually Boaz is a step up from Weinstein. 

Chapter 3: 

Naomi wants to make sure Ruth, her daughter in law, is well provided for and pushes her to wife up with Boaz. Naomi plays Hitch and her methods are only slightly creepier than the ones employed in that movie. 

Naomi tells Ruth to wash up and throw on her finest peasant rags because it's time to snag a man. After Ruth's makeover montage, she must go to the fields and wait for Boaz to lay down and sleep.Then

"go and uncover his feet and lie down. He will tell you what to do."

Ruth doesn't ask a single question. She gets right on those feet. Tarantino style. 

Boaz wakes in the middle of the night and to his credit, does not scream or kick at Ruth. He asks who she is. 

"I am your servant Ruth."

"The Lord bless you, my daughter."

Boaz let's her know his appreciation. He's amazed that she hasn't run after a younger man. Sort of a backhanded compliment but okay. Boaz says he'll do anything for her but there is another man more closely related to her that she's supposed to marry. This book is more incestuous than a key party at a family renunion. 

Even though Ruth is promised to another man, Boaz suggests that she stay the night and in the morning, if the new guy wants to marry her, he can. Ruth does not share opinions on the matter. She is merely passed around like a game of patriarichal hot potato. 

In the morning, Boaz tells her to leave. 

"No one must know that a woman came to the threshing floor" 

Is that a penis thing?

Chapter 4: 

Boaz tells the new guy that he has land to redeem. It would be Naomi's land but women can't own things probably because we'd lose them in our vaginas or something. The new guy gets excited about redeeming some land until Boaz gets real with him. 

"On the day you buy the land from Naomi, you also acquire Ruth the Moabite, the dead man's widow."

Up there you'll find your widow.  

Not only that, but any children he has with Ruth, have to keep the name of the dead guy. The new guy isn't into that. Boaz doesn't mind raises a ghost man's babies, anything for a woman who will lie at your feet and call you daddy. So he takes the new guy's place. Then he and Ruth ride into the sunset and begat away. 

The End. This probably isn't going to be turned into a romcom anytime soon. 

Ruth 1-2

This section of the book is titled Ruth. A woman has a name? AND her name is in the title? I want to be excited about it but I assume horrible things will happen to Ruth. 

Chapter 1:

The chapter opens to tell us we're still in the time of Judges,so in a way, we haven't escaped that section of the book and possibly never will.

Elimelek a simple man just trying to raise his family during a time period when the government sanctions kidnapping for diplomatic purposes, lived in Bethlehem with his wife, Naomi, and his two sons, Mahlon and Kilion. 

But there's a famine in Bethlehem and the schools PTA is really intense, so Elimelek takes his family to Moab.

Let's visualize this family so you can care when bad things happen to them:

Picture this but with more famine. 

Elimelek dies in some way that is not mentioned.  

Oh, Elimelek we hardly knew ye.

Naomi raises her two sons alone which is rough but at least they're slightly less likely to be kidnapped. 

Mahlon and Kilion get married...soooo picture them as slightly older than the above photo. Their new wives are Orpah and Ruth. They spend an adjective-less ten years together.

Then, the two sons die. No. No the book does not explain how. 

Oh, interchangeable sons who didn't matter. We hardly knew ye.

Wait. Is this book about to give us a story about women and only women? AND they ALL get names?!

Please don't get kidnapped please don't get kidnapped please don't get kidnapped. 

Naomi decides to head back home after hearing the famine is over. Her daughter-in-laws want to come with her. Naomi tells them politely that they should go home to their parents. Orpah and Ruth insist on coming with her. Naomi then gives them a reality check.

"Am I going to have any more sons, who would become your husbands? Return home, my daughters; I am too old to have another husband. Even if I thought there was still hope for me—even if I had a husband tonight and then gave birth to sons—would you wait until they grew up?"

Women can only hang out if they're married to each other's male relatives. This book is failing the Bechtel test pretty hard. 

This convinces Orpah not Oprah to give up and return to her family. Ruth isn't convinced. She doesn't need a man to hang out with Naomi. Ruth is the most progressive person in this book and also potentially in love with Naomi. 

"Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me." 

No one has ever loved their mother in law this much. 

The two of them go on a road trip to Bethlehem where Naomi insists on nicknaming herself:

"Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter."

Naomi has been listening to a lot of Morrissey albums. 

Chapter 2:

Ruth goes to work in the field picking up leftover grains to sell, when a man named Boaz notices her. 

"Who does that young woman belong to?"

Boaz makes a move with his unparalleled flirting skills:

"Hey daughter,"

Hey daddy.

"I have told the men not to lay a hand on you."

The other women are totally fair game, but you girl, you're special.  

"And whenever you are thirsty, go and get a drink from the water jars the men have filled."

Remember dumb woman, when you get thirsty, drink water. 

Ruth is into it. She falls at his feet and asks 

"How have i found such favor in your eyes?"

Boaz heard what she did for Naomi so she gets that special treatment: water and going unassaulted. 

The flirting continues, at meal time he shares bread and dipping sauces with her. He secretly tells the men not to yell at her and to help her by essentially doing the work for her without her knowing it. 

Awww how sweet, he doesn't think she's capable of working. What a romantic story of mutual respect. I'll stick with the Samson romance of multiple wives actively trying to murder him thank you.

Judges 21

Good news. This is the last chapter of Judges.

Bad news. My head hurts from the amount of stupidity I had to read in this chapter.

In the last chapter, the Israelites went to war with the Benjamites (who are also Israelites) and win. It took them three tries. They outnumbered the Benjamites by hundreds of thousands...but it took them three tries.

The Israelites vowed to never let their daughters marry the Benjamites, which is fair because some Benjamite men raped and murdered a woman and the rest of the Benjamites stood by those men. Still, the Israelites feel really bad about the whole thing because they've already forgotten about the raped and dismembered woman. The Benjamites aren't such bad guys. They were just drunk. This one act doesn't represent who they are. They're really good swimmers. Don't be such a nag okay?

The Israelites can't bear the thought of their fellows Israelites, the Benjamites dying off. A whole Israelite tribe gone forever? It's unthinkable. Though, they can't possibly break their vow. Their solution? The dumbest thing you're going to hear today, provided you do not read about any current events.

The Israelites also made a vow to kill any tribe that did not help them in the war against the Benjamites. Jabesh Gilead did not help in the war. So...

The Israelites decide...wait for it...to kill everyone in the Jabesh Gilead tribe (except for the virgin girls) in order to give wives to the Benjamites...the people they went to war with. They can't stand the thought of an Israelite tribe dying off...so they kill off another one instead. They are killing their own people who didn't help them to kill the people they were at war with in order to help the people they were at war with. 

That's like...if I got into a fight with my brother because my brother was being a total dick.One of my sisters wanted no part in the violence, so she sits it out. Then, later, I feel bad about fighting with my brother....even though he shows no remorse and I was totally justified in fighting him in the first place but I feel bad about it anyway and I just want to get along again. So my solution is to MURDER my sister to make my dick brother feel better.

Wait guys. It get dumber.

After giving the Jabesh Gilead virgins to the Benjamites like a non-consensual fruit basket, they realize there still aren't enough wives for them. Solution? Kidnap more virgins.

The Israelites tell the Benjamites to go to Shiloh where there is a festival of women (probably little girls) dancing to get a husband. Dancing is a very important skill, some say, the foundation of a marriage.

The Israelites can't break their vow and just LET the Benjamites marry any other Israelites, but the Benjamites can kidnap the women (little girls) from another Israelite tribe. You see, these men wouldn't want to break their vows and lose their honor...so...they promote kidnapping women (little girls)...women (little girls) in their own tribes...

The Benjamites hide in the bushes, watch the dancing, then kidnap the women (little girls). When the fathers of  the women (little girls) come to complain about it, this is what the other Israelites tell them:

"Do us the favor of helping them, because we did not get wives for them during the war. You will not be guilty of breaking your oath because you did not give your daughters to them."

TLDR: The Israelite method of arguing

It works. The plan works. All these honorable bros agree on the loophole and little girls continue to get passed around to their own war mongering cousins.

End of Judges.

Have a nice day.

Judges 20

Hello to the two people who read my blog and also hello to the 50 Facebook followers who thought this was a sincere blog of someone reviewing the bible. I'm sorry. 

It's been awhile. Please accept my drawing of a hipster dragon, which was created by a 28 year old human woman, and not a chimpanzee with a concussion, as my apology. 
  

Everyone knows that chimpanzees only do abstract art. 

If you don't remember what happened last time and can't be bothered to read the last blog entry which is literally a summary, here's a shorter summary of that summary. A husband took his wife to a town called Gibeah where the Benjamites live. They stayed with an old man and his family until a mob swarmed the house demanding to rape the husband because that's just how people welcome newcomers in this book. 

The old man hosting them is all, "Don't be ridiculous you can't rape my guest! Go ahead and rape his wife though. And if you agree in the next 10 minutes, I'll throw in my daughters as a one time special offer!"


                                         

The mob wasn't into it. The husband made his wife go outside anyway. Is that what chivalry is? Ladies first right? Bad things happen to the wife. The next morning, the husband who was totally capable of sleeping that night opened the front door to find his dead wife on the porch. Then, the husband dismembers his wife and sends her body parts all over the land as some kind of bat signal to the rest of the Israelites. There was a reason I needed a break from this book. 

Judges 20: 

All of Israel, minus the ladykiller Benjamites, respond to the lady parts bat signal and get together to discuss a plan of action. They ask the husband to describe what happened. it is unclear to me whether he sent a note with the body parts. Is sending a body part just shorthand for "Please send help?"

The Absolute Worst Husband Ever tells his side of the story:

"I and my concubine" Wife. "came to Gibeah in Benjamin to spend the night. During the night the men of Gibeah came after me and surrounded the house, intending to kill me." Mmmm that's not what they wanted. "They raped my concubine and she died." Leaving out some details. "I took my concubine, cut her into pieces and sent one piece to each region of Israel's inheritance." As one does. 

The Israelites accept his story then work on a needlessly complicated plan of action.

" 'We'll go up against it in the order decided by casting lots. We'll take ten men out of every hundred from all the tribes of Israel, and hundred from a thousand, and a thousand from ten thousand, to get provisions for the army." Someone is really excited about just learning how fractions work. " 'Then, when the army arrives at Gibeah in Benjamin, we can give them what they deserve for this outrageous act done in Israel.' So all the Israelites got together and united as one against the city."

The Israelites get together and go after the Benjamites. One sentence. Could have just used one sentence. 

The Israelites messengers try to convince the Benjamites to  turn over the specific people (men) responsible for the rape and murder of the concubine (wife) and if the Benjamites had read as much of the bible as I have, they'd realize how insanely reasonable it is for any character in this book to only want to punish the specific people responsible. Unfortunately, the Benjamites haven't read the bible, so they decide to fight and risk their lives on behalf of some murdering rapists...rapist murderers... murrapists...

The Benjamites get 26,000 swordsmen together. You gotta have your swordsman. Solid decision. That's what I'd round up. What else you got?

"Among these soldiers there were seven hundred select troops who were left-handed, each of whom could sling a stone at a hair and not miss."

Soooo just like...lefties who throw rocks? 

Still more useful than him. 

 
The Israelites round up 400,000 men. This book really likes math. Jesus and James are probably Dungeons and Dragons nerds. 

The Israelites prepare for war by talking to God. The book doesn't specify how they do this so let's just picture them talking to a magic 8 ball.

The Israelites ask God which tribe they should send into battle first. My answer is...all of them...just send all your people against the very few people they have and end this, but the Israelites want to keep things fair. 

God says: "Judah shall go first."

Spoiler alert. God doesn't like Judah. 

The next morning, the Israelites go against the Benjamites...and lose. The Benjamites kill 22,000 men on the battlefield. 

Israelites. What are you doing? You have 400,000 men. They have 26,700 men. Are the lefty rock thrower really that good? 

The Israelites cry to their magic 8 ball and ask if they should fight again the next day which isn't really the right question to ask. 

God: "Go up against them."

The Israelites lose again. 

The Israelites sacrifice some animals to God, hoping he'll stop screwing with them. This time, God promises them a win. God loves dead animals. 

On the third day. The Benjamites cheerfully murder more of their former allies: "We are defeating them as before." That's definitely how people talk during battle. 

But little did the Benjamites know that THIS time the Israelites made something called a "plan."

The Israelites lead the Benjamites away from Benjamin and ambush them...with the hundreds of thousands of men...they had literally the whole time.

After defeating the Benjamites, the Israelites take over all of Benjamin. "The men of israel went back to Benjamin and put all the towns to the sword, including the animals and everything else they found. 

No sudden movements. 

Judges 19: The Worst Chapter Ever

Happy birthday America. To celebrate the state of our country, let's talk about the worst chapter in this book, which is saying something because it had some serious competition. This chapter gave me a lot of feelings and when I have a lot of feelings I put in a lot of GIFS because expressing the emotions this chapter forced upon me with words is beyond my vocabulary. 

The chapter ominously starts with "In those days Israel had no king." i.e. shit's about to get real you guys. 

We're off to our usual not so female friendly start when a man's "concubine" is "unfaithful" to him and runs away back to her family.

I looked some stuff up. "Concubine" is another word for wife. Not the best pet name. 

The book is vague about what exactly "unfaithful" means and why she runs away in the first place. After reading this chapter, my theory isn't that she's a bored housewife. 

The Levite husband who has no name (which in no way makes up for all the nameless women in this book) chases after his nameless concubine wife. Eventually the husband takes his wife back and they head out on a road trip. The husband and concubine stop in Gibeah. They sit in the city square until an old man finds them and offers them a place to stay, but not before creeping them out with ominous warnings of doom as every old person in a horror story must do, "don't spend the night in the square." Why old man?! What's wrong with the square?!

We're about to get deja vu either because this book is trying to metaphor something or it's a hot mess. Remember Lot and his guests? Remember how the whole town wanted to rape his guests and Lot was all "Hey you guys, you can't rape my guests but go ahead and take my virgin daughters"? But horrific gang rape was averted by an act of God? Well, God's not in this book anymore. He's with Gendry out in a canoe. 

The town surrounds the old man's home and demands that they give up the Levite husband so that they can reenact Deliverance. 

Then, the owner of the house says some stuff that I'm just going to quote directly because there's nothing I can say to make it any more ridiculous than it actually is. Satire is holding a mirror to society and if you try to satirize what already feels like a satire of reality, you're just holding a mirror to a mirror and then we're just in a terrifying funhouse of mirrors with no escape. Welcome to 2017. Anyway, this is what the old man says word for fucking word:

"No, my friends; don't be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don't do this outrageous thing. Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But as for this man, don't do such an outrageous thing." 

Let's break this down. 

Firstly, "my friends"? you think a "Hey, buddy, let's think this through?" works on a group of rapists?  

Secondly, "Since this man is my guest" because it'd be totes fine to rape someone so long as he's not a guest right? 

Thirdly, "Look, here is my virgin daughter" go fuck yourself.

Fourthly, "and his concubine" and she's not your guest? Go fuck yourself with a Saguaro Cactus. 

Fifthly, "You can use them and do to them whatever you wish." They only said sex.They didn't have the imagination to think of more things until you suggested it you sick sick bastard.

Sixthly, "But as for this man, don't do such an outrageous thing." BECAUSE IT'S ONLY OUTRAGEOUS IF IT'S MAN ON MAN RAPE RIGHT?!

There aren't enough table in the world to soothe my lady rage. 

But the men weren't into that, so the Levite husband gets into hero mode and takes things into his own hands, sacrificing himself for the safety of everyone. JK he sends his "concubine" out there. 

"and they raped and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go." 

At dawn, the concubine lays motionless on the doorstep. Her loving husband steps outside and takes her up in his arms, screaming to God "Why oh why did you take her from me?!" Just kidding:

"He said to her 'Get up. Let's Go." 

When there was no answer, he threw her on his donkey and went on his way. When he returns home with her, he chops her up into twelve pieces and sends her body parts into all the areas of Israel. 

Let's take a moment and remember that the book did not actually specify if she was already dead or not and NO I don't think that the Levite husband is above thinking she's now useless since she was used up by rapists and decides the best thing to do is to put her out of her misery like a horse with a broken leg. 

The people of Israel who receive the Levite's gift baskets react with way more enthusiasm than I am comfortable with: "Such a thing has never been seen or done, not since the day the Israelites came up out of Egypt. Just imagine! We must do something! So speak up!"

There are better ways to get woke people.