Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Genesis Chapter 19 and 20

Chapter 19:

Two strangers roll on into S&G and Lot insists that they come inside. After being a few polite refusals they eventually agree and partake in some delicious unleavened bread. An angry mob comes to the door because Lot lives in a really bad neighborhood. The mob insists that Lot brings the strangers on out so they can "know" them. If you recall how Adam got to "know" Eve, it involves more than small talk.

Lot does the right thing and offers his two virgin daughters in place of the two strangers. This is where I begin a series of wtf faces because this chapter merits it.

He says the mob can do whatever they want to his daughters provided that they leave his two guests alone. Lot's logic is that these men are under his protection since he invited them into his home, under his roof. I guess the daughters were never really invited by Lot, perhaps they live in the barn and therefore do not get the same "under my roof" protection rights.

The mob kindly rejects this option and suggests that they will rape Lot and then go onto rape the two strange men. I guess they're just not into virgin girls. The men save Lot and create a blinding light so the mob cannot see the door to Lot's home. The men warn Lot that he need to get out of S&G and go to the mountain Zoar which sounds like something out of Lord of the Rings.

The weather report for S&G the following evening is a rain heavy with brimstone and fire. As Lot's family escapes, they are told not to look back at the destruction. Lot's wife naturally does the opposite because ovaries. She gets turned into a pillar of salt because when you don't do what Lord God tells you, shit happens.

The story then transitions onto what Abraham's up to which is exactly what Lot's wife is up to. He's checking out the destruction of S&G:

"And Abraham gat up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the LORD and he looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and toward all the land of the plain, and beheld, and, lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace."

Is Abraham a pillar of salt now? No? Why not? Because penis.

Now back to Lot who has moved away from Zoar because Lord of the Rings mountains creep him out. He goes and lives in a cave with his two daughters. No word on how he copes with his wife now being a pillar of salt.

The two daughters seem concerned that their father is old and no men will come for them. These virgin daughters seem eager to devirginize themselves which makes me think that Lot was really willing to sacrifice their virginity back in S&G because they were bound to do it at any point anyway.

The oldest daughter suggests that they make their father drink wine and "lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father." 

They get their father drunk with wine which is the date raping drink of choice in this book. The oldest "lies" with him and "he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose." The father is somehow clueless to this which...I'm just going to If he's completely passed out

The younger daughter does the same thing the next night and the two get knocked up by their own father.

The older had a son named Moab and the younger a son named Ben-ammi and those babies go on to have more babies consequences apparently.

So word on how Lot takes that...nobody turned into a pillar of salt? I guess Lord God didn't explicitly tell them not to date rape their father to get pregnant with incest babies? In fact the narrator doesn't seem to judge this at all. How am I meant to process this?! HOW?! When Noah was date raped, generations of decedents were CURSED to be servants. What was the consequence here? Who will get me through this?!

Chapter 20:

Abraham and Sarah decide to go on a holiday somewhere between Kadesh and Shur and get back to their favorite activity: entrapment. So they play the little "she's my sister" game so Abraham won't be murdered for his beautiful now 90-year-old wife. Sarah gets taken by a married man Abimelech because she cannot be resisted at any age. Abimelech has a dream where Lord God tells him he's a dead man for taking another man's wife. I'm not exaggerating: "Behold, thou art but a dead man, for the woman which thou has taken: for she is a man's wife." i.e it's not about taking women against their will; it's about taking another man's property. Abi is all "um what? I never touched her." and God's all "duh I made you not do that. I know you're a good guy. You wouldn't have taken a woman against her will and have non-consensual sex with her while being married yourself unless you thought she was single. Now go give that wife back or you're totally dead."

Abi gets up early and has a little chat with Abraham. "So uh why are you such a liar?"

Abraham: "I didn't want you to murder me like other heathens would for my wife. I didn't know you were down with G.O.D. Also I technically didn't lie. She's my half sister. We share a father but not a mother."

I'm not really sure if Abraham means this figuratively as in the shared father is Lord God or...if incest is just super popular at this time. George R.R. Martin has nothing on the bible.

Abi says it's all good and gives them a bunch of stuff and slaves and sends them on their way.

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