Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Genesis Chapter 15 and 16

First off, sorry about the 2 week hiatus. It was a vacation thing so the laziness was justified. Second...off, remember how I kept complaining that there were no images of elephants playing scrabble in all of the internet? The internet? That place that has an extensive collection of images of snakes wearing hats, the place that insists that attractive men look like cats, yet this place has no sign of elephants playing scrabble? Well, Leslie O'Connor, a reader and presumably fan of the blog, remedied that situation. Here are elephants playing scrabble and they are glorious. The internet owes Leslie a thank you.

They're stressed out  because the loser gets sacrificed by Noah.

Now onto the the bible. 

Chapter 15:

So God's all "Hey Abram you've got nothing to worry about because I'm your shield. Like shield from the Avengers. I was really hoping that show would be better. I've never not enjoyed a Joss Whedon show before. 

God: He makes his followers suffer almost as much as I do.
Abram says that's cool and all but he'd really like some kids because altar making just isn't as fulfilling as it once was. And he really doesn't want his only heir to be their "servant" Eliezer of Damascus. By the way that was not at all clear to me with just the book: 

"And Abram said, Lord GOD, what wilt though give me, seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus" I had to look things up for you. I didn't know what a steward or an Eliezer of Damascus was. I'm ashamed to say I never knew what a steward was before. It's one of those words I've heard thrown around a lot in BBC period dramas and Game of Thrones and just never bothered to look it up.

So anyway Abram is whining to God about not having very good seed and God's all "Why didn't you say so? I can totally get you kids. See all those stars up there? That's how many descendants you're going to have."

Abram: "That sounds swell."

God: *mumble* "They're going to suffer for 400 years."

Abram: "Sorry, didn't quite catch that?"

God: "You're going to have like the biggest family reunions ever."

So God and Abram seal the deal with a bunch of animal sacrifices as per usual. God orders up a 3-year-old cow, ram, and goat (because 3-year-olds are delicious) a turtle dove, and a pigeon.  God is clearly not a fan of vegetarian. I don't think tofu sacrifices would cut it for him. You probably can't just go pull some weeds from your garden to show your devotion to God. The good news is, God likes pigeon so it's okay to wipe those winged rats out. 

He's doing this for the Lord. 
So Abram cuts up the 3-year-olds into halfsies for God, takes a nap, and a "horror of great darkness fell upon him." 

Now, God lets Abram know that when his seed grows up into people, they will be strangers in a land "that is not their's" and be servants for 400 years. No need to worry though, God's got this. He's going to look out for the chosen seedlings long after Abram's dead. 

Chapter 16: 

God neglected to mention some finer details of the deal. Like the part where Abram was not going to have all the promised star children with his barren wife because one miracle at a time okay? Sarai the barren, pharaoh entrapping, foxy lady actually suggests to Abram that they use a surrogate mother. Then Sarai and Abram interview several young women with a lengthy questionnaire about their health histories and family background until one woman is chosen to voluntarily bare Abram's seed. Ha ha just kidding. They pick out a slave to do it. 

Hagar the slave conceives with Abram and shockingly gets attached to the life growing inside her. She is a little bitter toward Sarai. Hagar expresses this with the old side eye.

For example.
Sarai isn't having any of that and works through the conflict with Hagar directly through adult communication. Just kidding. She tattles to her husband. Abram gives the usual husbandly advice for his time and tells her to suck it up but do whatever you want to the girl because she's just a slave and who cares.

"And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face."  I'm going to assume that "dealing" with Hagar did not involve any conversation. So Hagar runs away until an angel finds her by a fountain of water. 

The reenactment
The angel makes some fair points to Hagar. "Where will you go? You're a slave girl. Daenerys Targaryen isn't coming to save you anytime soon. So suck it up." The angel also promises to "multiply [her] seed exceedingly" which means she gets to have even more babies for people who abuse her. Awesome. Happy endings all around. 

Hagar is already pregnant with another child, a boy called Ishmael who "will be a wild donkey of a man" which is all any mother can ask for. 

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