Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Genesis Chapter 7 and 8

Sorry I missed a week again due to technical difficulties, but I have atoned by writing 2 chapters this week.  Before we continue with the Noah's animal cruise ship adventures, I'd like to introduce you all to this kickass quiz "Which Bible Verse Describes You?" I might have taken it a little prematurely. My bible quote knowledge is currently limited but here's my result anyway:

Deu 31:6 "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee" 

It's just so me.

I encourage you all to take it and share your bible quotes in the comment section.

Chapter 7: We're still following the adventures of Noah. God tells him to take 7 of every clean beast and only 2 of those wicked beasts onto the animal cruise ship. I'm assuming God still has it out for those wicked cows.

Don't bring anymore than 2 of those assholes.

"Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of the beasts that are not clean by two"

Though it seems to me that the unclean beasts get the better deal here. Think about it. The clean beasts have to come in sevens. There's going to be an odd one out in the repopulating the earth game. Maybe they'll take turns? But that doesn't seem to be the behavior of what God would consider a "clean" beast.

So Noah has a week to build an ark big enough to hold 2-7 of every animal species in the world. God isn't into procrastination as we saw in chapter 1. God's going to make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. God is very specific with his numbers which is much more helpful than the alternative that I'd like to take a moment to imagine.

Noah: "Hey, so how much time do I have to build that ark thingy before you drown everyone and everything on the planet?"

God: *Shrug* "When I get around to it. I have a lot of yard work."

Noah: "Oh, uh huh, yeah, I understand. I imagine paradise yard work must be very time consuming."

God: "You have no idea."

Noah: "Yeah, yeah, so, exactly how long is this flooding thing going to last? I want to know how many board games I should bring."

After the week is up, 600 year old Noah and his family load up on the ark along with 2-7 of everyone animal on the planet except maybe the fish and whales which get a free pass on sin this time.

The water rises 15 average arm lengths and wipes everything out, while the Noah family plays Scrabble with elephants.

Pictures with elephants playing Scrabble do not exist. 

Chapter 8: After 150 days of rain, God luckily checked his planner and"remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark" which is a real relief because it'd be super embarrassing if he forgot a thing like that. God sends some wind to clear up the water but Noah still waits it out for a couple weeks until a dove brings him an olive branch.

The Noah family and the animals exit the ark which must have had the kind of smell that can't be compared to any other scenario of bad smells to emphasize how terrible the smell must have been because this scenario is probably the worst scenario for bad smells in which case, every other scenario in existence with bad smells must be compared to it.

Noah sacrifices some animals who thought they were special and safe to God. God loves sacrificial BBQs so much that he gets a little choked up and promises:

"I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done." 

Here, God sounds a bit like an exasperated parent that has embraced low expectations for his evil filled children.

There isn't a lot of explanation as to how the Noah family is going to repopulate the earth. I imagine a lot of cousin love will take place.

So that's about all that happens there. Maybe 3 pages worth of materials, yet the Noah movie managed to stretch it out to 138 minutes.

In the movie adaptation, Noah tries to literally fight the water. 

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Genesis Chapter 5 and 6

To make up for the fact that I missed last week. I will do 2 chapters today.

Chapter 5: So I'll summarize chapter 5 by saying that there is a whole lot more begatting and people live a really long time. It's all very confusing because it follows Adam and McRib's second chance kid Seth's family line but most of the names are the same names of Cain's descendants so I started to mix everything up. They really could have worded things better:

"And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, after his image; and called his name Seth: And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years and he begat songs and daughters: And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty yeras and he died. And Seth lived an hundred and five years, and begat Enos: And Seth lived after he begat Enos eight hundred and seven years, and begat songs and daughters..." and so forth.

First of all, doesn't seem like the Adam family line has too many other hobbies apart from farming and begatting. Secondly they live a really really long time. Thirdly they live a really really long time before the internet existed with no other hobbies than farming and begatting. Just let that set in. 800ish years of farming and begatting and nothing else. You will run out of positions and ideas at that point and at least 400 or so years in, your back will probably give out and begatting will be far less fun.

I didn't make another family tree because the other one was difficult enough to make but here's a simple chart so you don't have to suffer through what I suffered through.

Adam (930yrs.) + McRib = Seth
Seth (912yrs.)  + some chick = Enos
Enos (905yrs.) + some chick = Cainan
Cainan (910yrs.) + some chick = Mahalaleel
Mahalaleel (895yrs.) + some chick = Jared
Jared (962yrs.) + some chick = Enos
Enos (365yrs.! He died so young!) + some chick = Methuselah
Methuselah (969yrs. he must have drank more green tea than his father) + sc = Lamech
Lamech (777yrs.)+sc =Noah
Noah + some chic k= Ham, Shem, and Japeth

Chapter 6: Things get a little more lively in chapter 6 when God gets fed up with his sim city creations. Everyone was begatting and having a good time. Giants existed which is pretty cool but God's fed up with how evil and wicked everyone is. God decides it's time to wash his hands of his creations and start over.I guess the animals that creepeth were pretty naughty too because they won't be spared either:

"I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; fo rit repenteth me that I have made them."

Wicked, sinful cow

I can understand his frustration. Sometimes when I messed up building and organizing on Sim City, I burned it all down just out of frustration. Then I threw in an earthquake. Sometimes even a UFO invasion. All because I didn't make the bushes look neat enough.

God and I are just perfectionists.
God's ready to wipe everyone out. Everyone except for Noah because Noah is perfect and special and his family line is flawless so he and his family get to live provided that he builds a big boat. God is very specific about how his boat should look. It should be exactly 300X50X30 cubits. I did some math for you. A cubit is the length of a man's arm from fingertips to elbow which means almost nothing but the internet told me that 1 cubit = 45.72 centimeters. So the boat should be 137.16 meters long, 22.86 meters wide, and 13.72 meters high which the internet tells me gives it the floor space of around 20 standard-sized basketball courts.

God wants Noah to fill up the 20 basketball courts with 2 of every animal for future begatting. No word on weather the animal couples picked out were sin free or not. So After Noah builds the ark, he'll throw an end of the world party with all the animals while the rest of the world drowns.

Everyone wears sunglasses to End of the World parties.