Thursday, June 12, 2014

Genesis Chapter 5 and 6

To make up for the fact that I missed last week. I will do 2 chapters today.

Chapter 5: So I'll summarize chapter 5 by saying that there is a whole lot more begatting and people live a really long time. It's all very confusing because it follows Adam and McRib's second chance kid Seth's family line but most of the names are the same names of Cain's descendants so I started to mix everything up. They really could have worded things better:

"And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, after his image; and called his name Seth: And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years and he begat songs and daughters: And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty yeras and he died. And Seth lived an hundred and five years, and begat Enos: And Seth lived after he begat Enos eight hundred and seven years, and begat songs and daughters..." and so forth.

First of all, doesn't seem like the Adam family line has too many other hobbies apart from farming and begatting. Secondly they live a really really long time. Thirdly they live a really really long time before the internet existed with no other hobbies than farming and begatting. Just let that set in. 800ish years of farming and begatting and nothing else. You will run out of positions and ideas at that point and at least 400 or so years in, your back will probably give out and begatting will be far less fun.

I didn't make another family tree because the other one was difficult enough to make but here's a simple chart so you don't have to suffer through what I suffered through.

Adam (930yrs.) + McRib = Seth
Seth (912yrs.)  + some chick = Enos
Enos (905yrs.) + some chick = Cainan
Cainan (910yrs.) + some chick = Mahalaleel
Mahalaleel (895yrs.) + some chick = Jared
Jared (962yrs.) + some chick = Enos
Enos (365yrs.! He died so young!) + some chick = Methuselah
Methuselah (969yrs. he must have drank more green tea than his father) + sc = Lamech
Lamech (777yrs.)+sc =Noah
Noah + some chic k= Ham, Shem, and Japeth

Chapter 6: Things get a little more lively in chapter 6 when God gets fed up with his sim city creations. Everyone was begatting and having a good time. Giants existed which is pretty cool but God's fed up with how evil and wicked everyone is. God decides it's time to wash his hands of his creations and start over.I guess the animals that creepeth were pretty naughty too because they won't be spared either:

"I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; fo rit repenteth me that I have made them."

Wicked, sinful cow

I can understand his frustration. Sometimes when I messed up building and organizing on Sim City, I burned it all down just out of frustration. Then I threw in an earthquake. Sometimes even a UFO invasion. All because I didn't make the bushes look neat enough.

God and I are just perfectionists.
God's ready to wipe everyone out. Everyone except for Noah because Noah is perfect and special and his family line is flawless so he and his family get to live provided that he builds a big boat. God is very specific about how his boat should look. It should be exactly 300X50X30 cubits. I did some math for you. A cubit is the length of a man's arm from fingertips to elbow which means almost nothing but the internet told me that 1 cubit = 45.72 centimeters. So the boat should be 137.16 meters long, 22.86 meters wide, and 13.72 meters high which the internet tells me gives it the floor space of around 20 standard-sized basketball courts.

God wants Noah to fill up the 20 basketball courts with 2 of every animal for future begatting. No word on weather the animal couples picked out were sin free or not. So After Noah builds the ark, he'll throw an end of the world party with all the animals while the rest of the world drowns.

Everyone wears sunglasses to End of the World parties.

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