Friday, October 19, 2018

Samuel 29-31

Hello nicknameless readers of this blog (BibleBangers? The Begatted Bunch? I need suggestions). I hope you are doing well in these dark times. Let's read about people with worse lives until we feel better.

Chapter 29:

There's another war between the Philistines and Israelites and if I still encouraged a drinking game for this book, I would suggest you take several shots but we are now too responsible and have work in the morning and people think it's weird when you have a hangover from the bible.

David is still playing the double agent and plans on going to war with the Philistines but literally everyone but King Achish doesn't trust him. They remind the King of that hit song about David's murder adventures, a murder jingle, if you will:

"'Saul has slain his thousands, 
and David his tens of thousands'"

The Philistines are rightly concerned David will betray them. He has been doing so the entire time, killing off villages of Philistine people, men, women and children. Remember, he's our hero.

King Achish reassures David that he's still his angel:

"'. . . you have been as pleasing in my eyes as an angel of God'"

Unfortunately David has got to stay behind, alone, unsupervised. I assume people have a hard time thinking stuff through in this book because they have never not been at war. Thinking stuff through is for times of peace.

Chapter 30:

David and his merry men go to Ziklag. I know nothing about Ziklag other than its got a sick name. Turns out while David was away, Zilag was attacked by the Amalekites who captured all the wives and children including David's two wives. Personally, if I had two wives, I would keep one in a different city as back up. Why even have a second wife at all if not for backup?

The others start discussing whether or not to stone David which is the appropriate feedback when someone lets you down. We should bring it back. Conveniently for David he feels some God strength and instructs his men to bring him the "ephod." Said ephod is not described so let's ahead and visualize a magic 8 ball with God inside.

He shakes the magic God ball after asking if he should pursue the Amalekites who took his and many other wives and God gives him the go ahead. David and his 600 men pursue the Philistines but 200 of the men get sleepy and left behind which is going to lead to an argument. 

They track down their enemies and everyone is saved with little to no conflict. They even get bonus plunder. There is an argument about whether the 200 sleepyheads deserve any additional plunder but David decides they do deserve it even though they helped in no way at all. No one is stoned or murdered. 

Chapter 31:

Back to Saul. Ghost Samuel's prophecy comes true and Saul's sons are killed two sentences in INCLUDING JONATHAN. 

Saul asks his armor bearer to kill him because he doesn't want to leave that up to the Philistines who might get more creative about it. The armor bearer refuses so Saul must do it himself. He chooses to fall on his sword. I don't care even a little bit. 

The Philistines humiliate Saul by decapitating him and hanging his and his son's bodies on the wall of Beth Shan. I'm not making another map for these places so let's just picture that wall from The Handmaid's Tale or picture whatever type of wall you think would be good for hanging bodies. Let your imagination run wild. 

The people of Jabesh Gilead go and rescue the bodies to burn them, presumably to keep them from becoming white walkers. 

Samuel Part 1 is finished but I will put no celebratory GIF in here because we still have a Part 2 even though Samuel is dead. I'm sure Part 2 will be in no way repetitive and pointless. 

I'm going to miss Jonathan so much.