Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Samuel 1-2

Chapter 1: 

A man has two wives named Peninnah and Hannah. Aside from having a dope name that reminds me of Panini sandwiches, Peninnah has a womb just bursting with babies. Peninnah has all the babies, but the other wife, with the less interesting name, is barren. Anyone else think "barren" kind of sounds like the vagina is haunted? That's how I choose to think of it. Hannah isn't thrilled about her haunted vagina because Panini, can't stop flaunting her unstoppable ovaries to Hannah, so Hannah's super bummed that she can't do the only thing this book finds valuable about women. 

Still, Hannah's husband really seems to love her and doesn't mind that she can't have babies; he even gives her extra servings of food. If I were Hannah, I'd be excited about the infertility and special treatment. Then again, I'm someone who almost high-fived my OBGYN at the age of 16 when she told me I was going to have fertility problems throughout my life and wasn't likely to have a baby easily. She emphasized that I might feel differently about it in the future. I think about what she said now  sometimes when I'm looking at happy families, pushing their babies in strollers and on swings, and I think to myself,

"I wish I could call her now, and tell her that she's still super wrong."  

Anyway, Hannah doesn't have my outlook or any hobbies, so she prays to God to be able to have a child. She promises to dedicate her child  to God i.e. give the child to the Priest Eli to raise in the Lord's house. i.e. she's not even going to raise the child she's praying for.

She has a son named Samuel (like the chapter title!) and gives him away to Eli the priest. Priests, the most qualified to raise your sons alone without supervision.  

Chapter 2: 

Hannah channels her inner Kanye:  

"My mouth boasts over my enemies, 

for I delight in your deliverance"

"Do not keep talking so proudly 

or let your mouth speak such arrogance,
for the Lord is a God who knows"

"She who was barren has borne seven children, 

but she who has had many sons pines away."

TLDR: She can have kids now. Lord is her special friend. Peninnah can suck it. 

Samuel is doing really well as a priest in training and once a year Hannah visits him and brings him a new robe. Samuel appears to have no qualms with being given up to a stranger and having his entire life's purpose decided for him. He doesn't have any moody teenage outbursts or anything. Maybe some other literary chosen people could take a page out of the Samuel book: 

Eli, already has two sons of his own, Hophni and Phinehas and they are garbage people. They steal food meant to be sacrificed to Lord and they sleep around with women right in Lord's tent. Eli knows his kids are garbage and tries to warn them but they can't hear their father's warnings because Lord wants to relieve his glory plague days: 

"His sons, however, did not listen to their father's rebuke, for it was the Lord's will to put them to death."

Why let people grow and learn from their mistakes when you can just kill people and make an example out of them?

A man of God comes to Eli to tell him that he and his whole family are screwed. Everyone in his priest family line will die in the prime of their life and the few that he will "spare" will be blinded and weakened. 

Hey look Lord is back and getting on his favorite hobby: randomly and disproportionately punish people for minor slights. It's cool if you want to gang rape women to death and mutilate their bodies, but you better not drink that Lord broth. 

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