Deuteronomy 31-34

I owe an apology to my two readers for missing last week. I did read the last 4 chapters of Deuteronomy but didn't have the strength to try and make them amusing or interesting. I think the only solution is to offer up some of my poor drawing skills and hope that somehow spices things up.  

Chapter 31:

Moses informs the Children of God that he is 120 years old and must move on as their leader. I thought today's retirement age was unreasonably high. So the Israelites are celebrating Moses's retirement party when God rudely reminds Moses for the umpteenth time that's it's almost Die O'Clock. 

I mean, that's usually what we're all thinking at a retirement party God, but take it down a notch. 

Then Moses and Lord have a chat. 

Lord: "You're going to die soon."

Moses: "Yes, I remember." 

Lord: "And I'm still not going to let you see the Promised Land." 

Moses: "Got it."

Lord: "You know once you die, those fuck ups down there are going to fuck up again." 

Moses: "Shocker." 

Lord: "I'm going to punish them a lot." 

Moses: "No way."

Lord: "I need you to sing them a song to remind them of how much they disappoint me." 

Moses: *Sigh* "Yeah, got it." 

Chapter 32: The Guilt Trip Song

"Hey listen up. God is super awesome.
He's always just and reasonable
and definitely doesn't overreact 
and punish randomly.
He's really swell.

You guys really suck and that's not his fault. 
Remember that time you worshipped a golden cow?
Remember how I specifically told you not to? 
You're all the worst. 
Worse than Lot's creepy daughters.

God thought about doing some really horrible stuff to you
or letting other nations do really horrible stuff to you
but he decided that would make him look weak
for once God's insecurities are going to work in your favor."

Maybe that wasn't the song word for word but the general idea is in there. 

God and Moses have one last heart to heart. 

Lord: "You're still not going to see the Promised Land. Everything you've worked for for decades will be wasted. Just so we're clear on that. You're going to die. Die never succeeding in the task you struggled so hard for. You'll never see the Promised Land. You're just going to die in a Broken Promises Land which is most lands." 

Moses: *Sigh*

Lord: "In case you forgot." 

Chapter 33: 

Moses blesses some tribes and hopes that they do great things like conquer and pillage other lands and have lots of babies with nameless women.  

Chapter 34:

God reminds Moses one last time:

"'. . . the Lord said to him, 'This is the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob when I said, ‘I will give it to your descendants.’ I have let you see it with your eyes, but you will not cross over into it.'"

OMG we get it! Moses probably can't wait to die so he doesn't have to listen to God's lecturing anymore. 

The chapter then ends ominously: 

"Since then, no prophet has risen in Israel like Moses, whom the Lord knew face to face,  who did all those signs and wonders the Lord sent him to do in Egypt—to Pharaoh and to all his officials and to his whole land.  For no one has ever shown the mighty power or performed the awesome deeds that Moses did in the sight of all Israel."

I told you Josh was going to be a fuck up. 

And now we're finished with Deuteronomy!!!!

RIP Moses

Deuteronomy 25-30

Chapter 25:

Plot is still a far off dream for this book but at least we get to read about more rules passed down from God through his meat puppet Moses to God’s hostages people.

My favorite rule so far involves duties I was unaware a brother-in-law had. If there are two brothers and one of them gets married but dies before his wife produces a son, the brother-in-law must step in. He must marry and impregnate that widow, then morbidly, the son must be named after the dead brother to carry on his name. If the brother-in-law refuses to fulfill his duty, the widow gets to spit in his uncooperative face, steal one of his sandals and the brother-in-law’s family line will from then on be called “The Family of the Unsandaled.” You guys, I know you think this is one of my silly exaggerations, but it’s totally in there.

“However, if a man does not want to marry his brother’s wife, she shall go to the elders at the town gate and say, 'My husband’s brother refuses to carry on his brother’s name in Israel. He will not fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to me.' Then the elders of his town shall summon him and talk to him. If he persists in saying, “I do not want to marry her,” his brother’s widow shall go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face and say, 'This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother’s family line.' That man’s line shall be known in Israel as The Family of the Unsandaled.”

And that brother in law must hobble on one sandal FOREVER like an a-symmetrical fool.

My next favorite rule:

“ If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.”

Show her no pity. 

Ladies, find a way to subdue a man without using his gendered physical weaknesses against him. It’s not like men would ever take advantage of your womanly weaknesses right? Right?

Chapter 26:

When the Israelites make it to the Promised Land, they have to make some offerings. 1/10th of their produce must be given to Levites, widows, orphans, and foreigners. It’s almost like taxes going to the needy or something. It’s almost like this fictional character of God, while random, moody, and terrifying, really values people in need and refugees and immigrants and really insists that his own people treat them kindly, or else. I guess we could learn something from this book as a society. But it’s just a work of fiction after all amiright? Anyhoo.  

Chapter 27:

The Lord will bless you if you’re obedient and curse you terribly if you aren’t. They write down 12 of the rules on rocks and chant them.

Chapter 28:

Moses reiterates that obedience to all of God’s super simple and not at all contradictory rules will get everyone blessings. However, disobedience will result in the Israelites living through a Game of Thrones winter. While the curses are terrifying I do have to admire God’s speech writing skills. The threats are eerily beautiful to read.

“The Lord will send on you curses, confusion and rebuke in everything you put your hand to, until you are destroyed and come to sudden ruin because of the evil you have done in forsaking him.”

“Your carcasses will be food for all the birds and the wild animals, and there will be no one to frighten them away. The Lord will afflict you with the boils of Egypt and with tumors, festering sores and the itch, from which you cannot be cured. The Lord will afflict you with madness, blindness and confusion of mind. At midday you will grope about like a blind person in the dark. You will be unsuccessful in everything you do; day after day you will be oppressed and robbed, with no one to rescue you.”

“You will be pledged to be married to a woman, but another will take her and rape her. You will build a house, but you will not live in it. You will plant a vineyard, but you will not even begin to enjoy its fruit. Your ox will be slaughtered before your eyes, but you will eat none of it. Your donkey will be forcibly taken from you and will not be returned. Your sheep will be given to your enemies, and no one will rescue them. Your sons and daughters will be given to another nation, and you will wear out your eyes watching for them day after day, powerless to lift a hand.”

NO ONE WILL RESCUE THE SHEEP?!

The Lord will bring a nation against you from far away, from the ends of the earth, like an eagle swooping down, a nation whose language you will not understand, a fierce-looking nation without respect for the old or pity for the young.” . . . “They will lay siege to all the cities throughout your land until the high fortified walls in which you trust fall down. They will besiege all the cities throughout the land the Lord your God is giving you.”

“Because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege, you will eat the fruit of the womb, the flesh of the sons and daughters the Lord your God has given you. Even the most gentle and sensitive man among you will have no compassion on his own brother or the wife he loves or his surviving children, and he will not give to one of them any of the flesh of his children that he is eating. It will be all he has left because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege of all your cities. The most gentle and sensitive woman among you—so sensitive and gentle that she would not venture to touch the ground with the sole of her foot—will begrudge the husband she loves and her own son or daughter the afterbirth from her womb and the children she bears. For in her dire need she intends to eat them secretly because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege of your cities.”

YOU’RE GOING TO EAT YOUR BABIES AND YOU WON’T EVEN SHARE.

Chapter 29:

Moses reviews their history AGAIN clearly stalling for time before he dies. He reminds them of all the suffering God put the Egyptians through and what God could put them through. Kind of seems like God was just making an example out of the Egyptians to continually threaten the people he’s “saving.”

Chapter 30:

If the Israelites are disobedient, God will scatter them across nations but there is a loophole. If you and your children really really love God and show your obedience, God will bring you back to the promise land, make you more prosperous than your ancestors and . . . some other stuff.

“The Lord your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love him with all your heart and with all your soul, and live.”

Sounds like God’s about to drop his new single.

Moses goes on about the two choices the Israelites have which are pretty simple: life and prosperity or death and destruction. He even throws in a “Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.” Yeah, definitely not a hostage situation.

Deuteronomy 23-24

23:

"No man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off can belong to the LORDS's assembly."

"No illegitimate children can belong to the LORD's assembly either. Not even the tenth generation of such children can belong to the LORD's assembly."

Doesn't matter how noble you are.

"If an individual in the camp becomes polluted due to a nighttime emission, he must exit the camp area and not reenter."

Make sure you masturbate regularly when camping so you don't have a "nighttime emission."

"The latrines must be outside the camp. You will use them there, outside the camp. Carry a shovel with the rest of your gear; once you have relieved yourself, use it to dig a hole, then refill it, covering your excrement."

This seems less like moral advice than practical. What I'm saying is that did the Israeli people really need an omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient being to give them camp shitting advice?

"Do these things because the LORD your God travels with you, right in the middle of your camp, ready to save you and to hand your enemies over to you."

But not if you shit in the tent.

"Don't return slaves to owners if they've escaped and come to you. They can stay with you: in your own community or in any place they select from one of your cities, whatever seems good to them. Don't oppress them."

This book's view on slavery seems a little inconsistent. Do the writers just switch off writing sections and not communicate with each other at all?

"No Israelite daughter is allowed to be a consecrated worker. Neither is any Israelite son allowed to be a consecrated worker. Don't bring a female prostitute's fee or a male prostitute's payment to the LORD"

Good news prostitutes. You can keep your money! God is not a pimp.

"Don't charge your fellow Israelites interest" . . . "You can charge foreigners interest"

It's okay to fuck foreigners over financially, make them prostitutes, sell them into slavery, kill their families, marry (rape) their daughters and wives, but also be nice to and don't cheat immigrants, refugees, and runaway slaves. The rules are so simple you guys.

"When you make a promise to the LORD your God will certainly be expecting it from you; delaying would make you guilty. Now if you simply don't make any promises, you won't be guilty of anything."

Easy enough. Never make a promises to God just as you would avoid making promises to crazy boy/girlfriends.

"If you go into your neighbor's vineyard, you can eat as many grapes as you like, until full, but don't carry any away in a basket. If you go into your neighbor's grain field, you can pluck ears by hand, but you aren't allowed to cut off any of your neighbor's grain with a sickle."

It's cool to trespass and steal so long as you consume all that you steal on the spot. Finally, some fun rules.

24: 

Oh boy, the next section is titled "Marriage and Divorce." Prepare to be offended ladies.

You can divorce your wife if she isn't "pleasing" to you. No word on whether the woman can divorce the man. If she remarries and that guy also thinks she's lame and divorces her, you can't have her back because God doesn't understand that vaginas can be cleaned:

"...the first husband who originally divorced this woman is not allowed to take her back and marry her again after she has been polluted in this way because the LORD detests that. Don't pollute the land the LORD your God is giving to you as an inheritance."

Uhhhhhh vaginas aren't "land" LORD, not even if you say "land ho" when you penetrate them.

"A newly married man doesn't have to march in battle." . . . "so he can bring joy to his new wife."

 I bring to you one of the two rules in this book that are meant to benefit women. Unless the husband is the worst and she'd like him to go into battle as soon as possible.

"Don't take advantage of poor or needy workers, whether they are fellow Israelites or immigrants who live in your land or your cities. Pay them their salary the same day, before the sun sets, because they are poor, and their very life depends on that pay"

Don't be a dick to immigrants or the poor.

"Parents shouldn't be executed because of what their children have done; neither should children be executed because of what their parents have done. Each person should be executed for their own guilty acts."

But it's cool to exclude the descendants of bastards and you might suffer a family curse forever if your descendant happened to see his drunken father naked.