Leviticus 11-12

Chapter 11: The God Diet

In order to be most holy and fit, you have to eat clean. God's all about clean eating, though a simple Paleo diet won't cut it. Here's a list of Clean and Unclean Foods.

Clean: 

• Any Land Animal that has divided hooves, that are completely split, and that rechews its food.
•  Water animals that have scales and fins
• Four footed flying insects that have jointed legs which include: migrating locusts (no locals), any kind of bald locust, any kind of cricket, any kind of grasshopper

Some things to think about:

1. God clearly still hates cows. 
2. God thinks insects only have 4 legs.  

Unclean: 

Land animals: 

• Hares
• Camels 
• Rock Badgers
• Pigs
• Mice
• Rats
• Lizards
• Geckos
• Skinks
• Chamelons

Water animals:

• Any that don't have scales or fins i.e.
• lobster
• shrimp
• crabs

This is a den of sin

Birds: 

• eagle
• black vulture
• bearded vulture
• kite
• any kind of falcon
• any kind of raven
• tawny owl
• fisher owl
• screech owl
• white owl
• scops owl
• osprey 
• stork
• any kind of heron
• hoopoe
• bats

Insects: 

• Any flying insect that walks on four feet

Some things to think about: 

1. God thinks bats are birds. 
2. God still thinks insects have only 4 legs. 
3. God does not like the delicious kind of seafood.
4. Rock Badgers look like this:

No Rock Badger Burritos for the Children of God

Other notable rules in this sections:

• The COI can't eat things with paws.
• You can't eat "swarming" things?
• If the dead body of one of the unclean animals listed above falls on your oven or stove, you must destroy your pricey kitchen appliance because Easy Off won't cut it. 

Chapter 12: Purification After Childbirth

Here's a lesson about the birds and the bees. When a man and a woman love each other very much, they create something beautiful together and bring life into the world. Unfortunately, after the woman has carried the burden of bringing that life into the world, she is icky and must be isolated from all things holy. This is her time of "purification." She also must do this during her menstrual period. Really anything natural that happens to the female body is disgusting. 

"If a woman conceives a child and gives birth to a son, she will be unclean for seven days-just as she is during her menstrual period."..."For thirty-three days the mother will be in a state of blood purification. She must not touch anything holy or enter the sacred area until her time of purification is complete." 

If the woman is lucky enough to have a child of worth, i.e. a boy, she will only have to be isolated from holy things for up to 33 days. If she however, has a girl: 

"she will be unclean for two weeks-just as she is during her menstrual period-and will be in a state of blood purification for sixty-six days."