Sunday, July 22, 2018

Samuel 25

Samuel finally dies and it gets about a sentence of attention even though this entire chapter is named after him. I guess judging people your whole life doesn't make too many people cry at your funeral. 

David goes to some new places. In the newest place there is a sheep shearer named Nabal with a wife named Abigail. You can tell Abigail is going to be important because she a woman with a name. 

Nabal is described as a fool and stingy. Abigail is described as intelligent and beautiful, in that order. Slow down Bible, we get lady names and intelligence in a woman implied as a more important trait than physical appearance? Did the authors take a women's studies class halfway through writing this thing?

David sends his men to Nabal to ask for food and supplies. His argument is that they've never done anything bad to him and therefore are owed things. Seriously. 

"'Now I hear that it is sheep-shearing time. When your shepherds were with us, we did not mistreat them, and the whole time they were at Carmel nothing of theirs was missing. Ask your own servants and they will tell you. Therefore be favorable toward my men, since we come at a festive time. Please give your servants and your son David whatever you can find for them.'"


David: "'Each of you strap on your sword!'"

The book makes it sound like David is our hero and Nabal is a greedy idiot but I'm firmly on Team Nabal. 

David is clearly a mafia boss. 

"Hey, small business owner, we haven't done anything bad to you yet so give us stuff or else."

I have decided that David sucks now. 

The intelligent and beautiful Abigail hears word that David and his men are coming and she takes action by secretly loading up donkeys with food items which the book lists in great detail, more detail than was given to Samuel's death and funeral. 

The Holy Bible authors

When Abigail finds David and his merry mafia men in the woods she bows to him and apologizes for Nabal: 

"'Please pay no attention, my lord, to that wicked man Nabal. He is just like his name-his name means Fool.'"

She does not mention that the Fool is her husband. 

Abigail proceeds to fangirl pretty hard all over David. Also, she keeps calling him "my lord" while also talking about God Lord and it's all very confusing. 

"'And now, my lord, as surely as the Lord your God lives and as you live, since the Lord has kept you from bloodshed and from avenging yourself with  your own hands, may your enemies and all who are intent on harming you my lord be like Nabal.'" . . . "'Please forgive your servant's presumption. The Lord your God will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my lord,because you fight the Lord's battles, and no wrongdoing will be found in you as long as you live.'" 

This goes on for AWHILE 

David praises the God Lord with a capital L that Abigail saved him a murder trip. 

"'. . . if you had not come quickly to meet me, not one male belonging to Nabal would have been left alive by daybreak.'"

When Abigail gets home, Nabal is getting lit with a huge banquet, sort of rubbing it in that he could have spared some food and chose not to. When he sobers up, Abigail breaks the news of her betrayal to him and "his heart failed him and he became like a stone." 10 days later the Lord strikes Nabal down dead or maybe it was a heart attack from all that banqueting and partying or maybe Abigail murdered him. There are no autopsies in this book. 

When David hears about Nabal's death he responds like a respectful human would about the death of another:

"'Praise be to the Lord, who has upheld my cause against Nabal for treating me with contempt. He has kept his servant from doing wrong and brought Nabal's wrongdoing down on his own head.'" 

David waits approximately no time at all before sending his servants to propose to Abigail on his behalf much like a middle school student asking someone out to a dance. Abigail waits approximately no time at all before saying yes. Move over Elsa, we've got a new ice queen. 

The last line of the chapter quickly mentions that David takes a 3rd wife. David can get all the beard wives he wants. He's not fooling me. #DavidandJonathan4evah