Saturday, October 15, 2016

Judges 1-3

Chapter 1:

Now that Joshua is gone, the Israelites worry over whether they'll still be able to participate in their favorite hobby, bloodshed, but they need not fear because the tribe of Judah is there to lead them into Canaanite territory to kill and conquer to their sadistic little hearts' content. They also go killing in some other places and cut off the thumbs and big toes of a king which would really be inconvenient if kings had to do anything physical at any point in their lives.

The Israelites continue to burn and pillage and murder a bunch of places which would maybe be exciting if the writers of this book took a single creative writing class in their worthless lives. Nothing connects. I have no idea where any of this is going. I don't know who I'm supposed to care about and I don't care about anyone. They start talking about some people and follow a plot line but then they just abandon it for...I don't even know what. No one is around long enough for me to build an emotional investment. I'm not sure the writers know what they want their book to be. Did they get their writing lessons from Ryan Fucking Murphy?

I don't know why I keep letting you disappoint me. 

"The men of Judah attacked Jerusalem also and took it. They put the city to the sword and set it on fire. After that, Judah went down to fight against the Canaanites living in the hill country, the Negev and the western foothills. They advanced against the Canaanites living in Hebron (formerly called Kiriath Arba) and defeated Sheshai, Ahiman and Talmai. From there they advanced against the people living in Debir (formerly called Kiriath Sepher). "

They managed to make murdering and burning down cities boring.

The exciting plot continues. Some guy named Caleb, who didn't matter before and won't matter again after a paragraph, offers his daughter in exchange for the destruction of Kiriath Sepher. Those are some high expectations for a son-in-law or maybe they're dangerously low. Caleb's nephew destroys the city so the daughter gets to marry her bloodthirsty cousin and I will never complain about online dating again. The daughter asks her father for water and land and stuff. It's almost as exciting as an episode of Downton Abbey. I'm just kidding. Anything is better than Downton Abbey. The Israelites take more land and stuff. God wanted them to kill all the previous inhabitants of the lands but instead the Israelites just subject them to a little light forced labor.

Chapter 2:

God's mad that the Israelites kept the Canaanites and all those other ites in town at all because the natives might give them ideas about other ways of thinking or something. He instructed that the non-Israelites be wiped out entirely. He sends an angel to lecture them and some Israelites cry about it and some keep worshipping foreign gods for funsies. God tries to give them a chance by sending out a judge to save the Israelites from their enemies then the Israelites continue to do horrible things like marry people less likely to be their cousins and consider other belief systems. Then some more punishment happens.

Chapter 3:
The Israelites keep disobeying God by getting along with people that they were supposed to genocide. The Israelites get taken over by Cushan Rishathaim the king of Aram Naharaim, the king of too many syllables from a place of too many syllables, for 8 years. The wishy washy children of God call out to Lord. Lord turns Othniel, some guy who won't matter in a few sentences anymore, into a "judge" to go to war for the Israelites. They win 40 years of peace until they fuck up again and another foreign king Eglon, a king with a far more reasonable amount of syllables, takes over for 18 yeras. The Israelites cry out again to their sky daddy for help. Lord sends them another judge, Ehud, a left handed guy which matters because of reasons. Ehud asks to see King Eglon, claiming he has a message from God and that message is a stabbing. Guys, I think the bible's getting fun and grotesque again!:

"As the king rose from his seat, Ehud reached with his left hand, drew the sword from his right thigh and plunged it into the king's belly. Even the handle sank in after the blade, and his bowels discharged. Ehud did not pull the sword out, and the fat closed in over it."

Some things to note:
1. "His bowels discharged."
2. The king is so fat that his fat hid an entire sword.

Ehud then closes up the king's room and leaves like a boss without anyone noticing. The servants don't go to the king because they assume he's taking a shit which is technically true and they "waited to the point of embarrassment." Meaning, the servants are so used to King Eglon's absurdly long poops, that a man was able to escape and get away with murder. This is why you need to eat fiber.  

I was confused as to why Ehud being left handed mattered so I read an analysis of the chapter. Apparently, because he's left handed, the king and his servants wouldn't expect him to have a weapon on his right side. So they only pat down the left side for weapons? Murdering people is super easy in this book. Ehud leads the Israelites to freedom once again until the next time they fuck it up.

1 comment:

  1. oh, it is fun, indeed! My favorite is when Moses and the ungrateful slobs that he has to lead around, they start whining to Moses about the manna from heaven which was QUITE a gift at first. I guess the ungrateful have gone thru Manna Taco salad, Manna helper, all that! So they start crying and bitching and moaning- which btw, is the one constant thru time- and whining about, " We want meat. Beef it's what supposed to be for dinner! Manna....AGAIN?" So, poor Moses, he has to go explain what a bunch of losers the chosen people are ..AGAIN! Well, old Moses musta been a little TOO accurate and colorful. Cuz, God sends pheasant for the much pheasant that they are shoulder-deep in pheasant! And next, the people start gagging and dying with their mouths full of pheasant. It's not exactly clear why they die. Bad food preparation, lax food inspectors,an angry God...oh, yeah that's it. It's all a little overwhelming...