Israel destroys the town of Jericho by sending seven priests to circle the city seven times while playing trumpets. On the seventh day, the city wall collapses. This sounds like the beginning of a math problem. The prostitute with a heart of gold is spared which is a relief but I was really hoping there'd be more tension and conflict in that story line, but instead, the characters just remembered what they were supposed to do and were competent.
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| UNLIKE SOME ASSHOLES |
Josh tells the Israelites to destroy to their hearts content, show no mercy, and save the gold and silver for God. Shockingly, someone doesn't listen.
Chapter 7:
Israel runs off to another battle to take down the city of Ai but they not successful. Josh is all "What's up with that G?" And God's all "Someone broke the rules and when that happens I punish everyone else disproportionately with death and carnage."
Josh tracks down the gold thief, a man named Achan who is very honest and stoic about his fate. As reward for his honesty, he and HIS ENTIRE FAMILY are burned alive. Also, the Israelites throw stones at them, because they are an impatient people.
Who else is thankful that they're not held accountable for their parents actions? We all would have been burned and stoned hundreds of times over by now.
Chapter 8:
God encourages Josh to attack the city of Ai again, insisting that he totally won't let the Israelites get their asses handed to them again. The Israelites take down Ai, destroy everything, and hang the king. Happy endings all around.
Chapter 9:
The Gibeonite people come to treaty with the Israelites, stating that they come from a far away land. As it turns out, they live in the same neighborhood. The deception pisses Josh off for some reason and he demands to know why they would lie to him.
"Ummm because we don't want to die?" -The Gibeonites
Chapter 10:
The Gibeonites are attacked and the Israelites stand by their treaty built upon lies. They do a lot of murdery stuff. The five kings of the cities flee to hide away in a cave. The Israelites find them and hang them. AND THEN...
"At sunset Joshua gave the order and they took them down from the poles and threw them into the cave where they had been hiding. At the mouth of the cave they placed large rocks, which are there to this day."
Chapter 11-12:
More conquering and murdery stuff.
Chapter 13:
Josh gets old.
Chapter 14-21:
The Israelites divide the conquered land amongst their tribes. This goes on for eight exhilarating chapters.
Chapter 22:
Josh sends their allies back south to their own lands. The allies build an altar on their own land. The Israelites freak out because they think it's some kind of rebellion.
"Are you INSANE?! He will murder all of us! Even the cattle!"
The allies inform the Israelites that they built the altar in honor of their connection to LORD and Israel.
"I guess that's cool." -The Israelites.
Chapter 23:
Josh informs everyone that he's dying. He asks the Israelites to please not fuck things up.
Chapter 24:
Josh brings everyone together to guilt them about all the things God did for them. I've read the book so far and don't need a summary of events every few pages so I'm just going to keep trucking along.
Josh dies without dragging it out forever unlike some people.
And guess what? With the efficiency of only two blog entries, the book of Joshua is finished!!!!!
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