Saturday, August 27, 2016

Deuteronomy 31-34

I owe an apology to my two readers for missing last week. I did read the last 4 chapters of Deuteronomy but didn't have the strength to try and make them amusing or interesting. I think the only solution is to offer up some of my poor drawing skills and hope that somehow spices things up.  

Chapter 31:

Moses informs the Children of God that he is 120 years old and must move on as their leader. I thought today's retirement age was unreasonably high. So the Israelites are celebrating Moses's retirement party when God rudely reminds Moses for the umpteenth time that's it's almost Die O'Clock. 

I mean, that's usually what we're all thinking at a retirement party God, but take it down a notch. 

Then Moses and Lord have a chat. 

Lord: "You're going to die soon."

Moses: "Yes, I remember." 

Lord: "And I'm still not going to let you see the Promised Land." 

Moses: "Got it."

Lord: "You know once you die, those fuck ups down there are going to fuck up again." 

Moses: "Shocker." 

Lord: "I'm going to punish them a lot." 

Moses: "No way."

Lord: "I need you to sing them a song to remind them of how much they disappoint me." 

Moses: *Sigh* "Yeah, got it." 

Chapter 32: The Guilt Trip Song

"Hey listen up. God is super awesome.
He's always just and reasonable
and definitely doesn't overreact 

and punish randomly.
He's really swell.

You guys really suck and that's not his fault. 
Remember that time you worshipped a golden cow?
Remember how I specifically told you not to? 
You're all the worst. 
Worse than Lot's creepy daughters.

God thought about doing some really horrible stuff to you
or letting other nations do really horrible stuff to you
but he decided that would make him look weak
for once God's insecurities are going to work in your favor."

Maybe that wasn't the song word for word but the general idea is in there. 

God and Moses have one last heart to heart. 

Lord: "You're still not going to see the Promised Land. Everything you've worked for for decades will be wasted. Just so we're clear on that. You're going to die. Die never succeeding in the task you struggled so hard for. You'll never see the Promised Land. You're just going to die in a Broken Promises Land which is most lands." 

Moses: *Sigh*

Lord: "In case you forgot." 

Chapter 33: 
Moses blesses some tribes and hopes that they do great things like conquer and pillage other lands and have lots of babies with nameless women.  

Chapter 34:
God reminds Moses one last time:

"'. . . the Lord said to him, 'This is the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob when I said, ‘I will give it to your descendants.’ I have let you see it with your eyes, but you will not cross over into it.'"
OMG we get it! Moses probably can't wait to die so he doesn't have to listen to God's lecturing anymore. 
The chapter then ends ominously: 
"Since then, no prophet has risen in Israel like Moses, whom the Lord knew face to face,  who did all those signs and wonders the Lord sent him to do in Egypt—to Pharaoh and to all his officials and to his whole land.  For no one has ever shown the mighty power or performed the awesome deeds that Moses did in the sight of all Israel."
I told you Josh was going to be a fuck up. 

And now we're finished with Deuteronomy!!!!

RIP Moses

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