Sunday, August 7, 2016

Deuteronomy 23-24


"No man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off can belong to the LORDS's assembly."

"No illegitimate children can belong to the LORD's assembly either. Not even the tenth generation of such children can belong to the LORD's assembly."

Doesn't matter how noble you are.

"If an individual in the camp becomes polluted due to a nighttime emission, he must exit the camp area and not reenter."

Make sure you masturbate regularly when camping so you don't have a "nighttime emission."

"The latrines must be outside the camp. You will use them there, outside the camp. Carry a shovel with the rest of your gear; once you have relieved yourself, use it to dig a hole, then refill it, covering your excrement."

This seems less like moral advice than practical. What I'm saying is that did the Israeli people really need an omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient being to give them camp shitting advice?

"Do these things because the LORD your God travels with you, right in the middle of your camp, ready to save you and to hand your enemies over to you."

But not if you shit in the tent.

"Don't return slaves to owners if they've escaped and come to you. They can stay with you: in your own community or in any place they select from one of your cities, whatever seems good to them. Don't oppress them."

This book's view on slavery seems a little inconsistent. Do the writers just switch off writing sections and not communicate with each other at all?

"No Israelite daughter is allowed to be a consecrated worker. Neither is any Israelite son allowed to be a consecrated worker. Don't bring a female prostitute's fee or a male prostitute's payment to the LORD"

Good news prostitutes. You can keep your money! God is not a pimp.

"Don't charge your fellow Israelites interest" . . . "You can charge foreigners interest"

It's okay to fuck foreigners over financially, make them prostitutes, sell them into slavery, kill their families, marry (rape) their daughters and wives, but also be nice to and don't cheat immigrants, refugees, and runaway slaves. The rules are so simple you guys.

"When you make a promise to the LORD your God will certainly be expecting it from you; delaying would make you guilty. Now if you simply don't make any promises, you won't be guilty of anything."

Easy enough. Never make a promises to God just as you would avoid making promises to crazy boy/girlfriends.

"If you go into your neighbor's vineyard, you can eat as many grapes as you like, until full, but don't carry any away in a basket. If you go into your neighbor's grain field, you can pluck ears by hand, but you aren't allowed to cut off any of your neighbor's grain with a sickle."

It's cool to trespass and steal so long as you consume all that you steal on the spot. Finally, some fun rules.


Oh boy, the next section is titled "Marriage and Divorce." Prepare to be offended ladies.

You can divorce your wife if she isn't "pleasing" to you. No word on whether the woman can divorce the man. If she remarries and that guy also thinks she's lame and divorces her, you can't have her back because God doesn't understand that vaginas can be cleaned:

"...the first husband who originally divorced this woman is not allowed to take her back and marry her again after she has been polluted in this way because the LORD detests that. Don't pollute the land the LORD your God is giving to you as an inheritance."

Uhhhhhh vaginas aren't "land" LORD, not even if you say "land ho" when you penetrate them.

"A newly married man doesn't have to march in battle." . . . "so he can bring joy to his new wife."

 I bring to you one of the two rules in this book that are meant to benefit women. Unless the husband is the worst and she'd like him to go into battle as soon as possible.

"Don't take advantage of poor or needy workers, whether they are fellow Israelites or immigrants who live in your land or your cities. Pay them their salary the same day, before the sun sets, because they are poor, and their very life depends on that pay"

Don't be a dick to immigrants or the poor.

"Parents shouldn't be executed because of what their children have done; neither should children be executed because of what their parents have done. Each person should be executed for their own guilty acts."

But it's cool to exclude the descendants of bastards and you might suffer a family curse forever if your descendant happened to see his drunken father naked.

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