Deuteronomy 22

Chapter 22: 

"Women must not wear men's clothes, and men must not wear women's clothes. Everyone who does such things is detestable to the LORD your God."

 

See above: All detestable to the LORD

"If you come across a bird's nest along your way, whether in a tree or on the ground, with baby birds or eggs, and the mother is sitting on the baby birds or eggs, do not remove the mother from her young. You must let the mother go, though you may take the young for yourself so that things go well for you and so you can prolong your life."

It's not nice to eat bird babies in front of their mother. Wait until she goes out in search of food for her precious young, then take them.

"Don't plant your vineyards with two types of seed; otherwise, the entire crop that you have planted and the produce of the vineyard will be unusable."

"Don't plow with an ox and a donkey together."

"Don't wear clothes that mix wool and linen together."

"Make tassels for the four corners of the coat you wear."

Are these actual rules or just advice? It's like if that relative who has an opinion on how everything should be done suddenly attained absolute power and could destroy anyone who doesn't listen to their nagging.

On to my favorite section "Virgin Bride"

You know how sometimes you get married and as it turns out you hate your wife? Maybe because you live in a society that doesn't require women to become real people? Did you already have sex with her? Well, you'd think the obvious solution would be to go around town calling her a slut who wasn't a virgin when you married her but if her father has "evidence" that she was a virgin, you'll be fined 100 silver shekels and you still have to be married to her. You can still have other wives and mistresses and the wife whose reputation you ruined is still stuck married to you regardless but being a man is still super hard.

The "evidence" that the father needs to bring before the court is a wedding blanket covered in her hymen blood. If the father doesn't have that to give to the court:  "the city's elders will bring the young woman to the door of her father's house. The citizens of that city must stone her until she dies because she acted so sinfully in Israel by having extramarital sex while still in her father's house. Remove such evil from your community!"

Girls have to be stoned to death because no one knows how hymens work.

I wonder if the people in this community would be so eager to publicly stone their neighbors to death all the time if they just had Netflix to occupy their time.

The next section is naturally titled Inappropriate Sexual Behavior.

If a man has sex with a married women. Both of the must die. At least both genders die this time. Except it's probably fine to sleep with a married man.

If a girl is engaged to a man but has sex with another in a town, naturally they are both stoned to death but here's the weird part: "stone them until they die-the young woman because she didn't call for help in the city." But, if the man has sex with her in a field: "only the man will die. Don't do anything whatesoever to the young woman" . . . "Since the man met up with her in a field, the engaged woman may well have called out for help, but there was no one to rescue her." Soooo, in the first scenario she couldn't possibly have been raped...because they were in a town...and if she screamed for help...someone would have helped her. Good news ladies, if you're in a well populated area, you can't be raped.

If a man "meets up" with a virgin, meet up being the vaguest word for rape I've ever heard, and the virgin is not engaged to another man, no one dies. The rapist pays a fine of fifty shekels and is "punished" by having to marry the girl he raped and can never divorce her. To clarify, this is the man's punishment.

"A man cannot marry his father's former wife so that his father' private matters are not exposed." 

Like penis size or who's better in bed.