Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Numbers 1-3

Chapter 1 "First Census":

Brace yourselves for some excitement guys. We jump right into an action packed plot here in numbers. The Almighty God commands that Moses shall take a census!

Moses is to count the men over 20 who are eligible for military service. Moses's census team shall be composed of 12 men from the 12 different tribes who have awesome sci-fi warrior sounding names like Zebulun, Pedahzur, Ochran, and then there's...Dan. Dan must be such a disappointment. Even his father, Ashminadab has a cool name so it isn't a family thing. Ashminiadab must have known his son Dan's destiny and greatest achievement was to be a census taker.

The 13th tribe, the Levites, are excluded from census duties and get to babysit the Tabernacle i.e. God's special dwelling place. They must defend it with their lives. If anyone approaches the Tabernacle, the Levites will kill them. The Levites get this special honor because they were the only tribe that did not worship the golden calf and they did not hesitate to murder their loved ones who did worship the calf when God asked. The Levites are really intense teacher's pets.

Chapter 2 "Wilderness Camp's Arrangement" 

God wants each of the 12 Israeltie camps to have their own banner with a symbol of their household just like Game of Thrones. God's a huge fantasy nerd. The Camp arrangement will have the bloodthirsty, approval seeking Levites at the center guarding the tabernacle, and a square around that with 3 tribes at each side of the square.

There is no mention of what the symbols of the banners are for each tribe so I've put down suggestions for a few of them. Here's a diagram:

If you, dear one of my 3 readers, has a suggestion for a cool banner symbol for the tribes, you should put it in the comments or draw it and I'll put it in the next blog. 

Chapter 3 Aaron's Sons (or what's left of them anyway): 

As you might recall, Aaron's older sons Nadab and Abihu died from an "unauthorized offering" to God. His two left are Eleazar and Ithamar. The Levites tribe work for the remaining sons of Aaron and are a "gift" to Aaron. We're talking about slaves again right? Is this a slave thing? God goes on about how if anyone other than the Levites approach Aaron for the new priestly job, they will be put to death. God's job agency is pretty fucking serious about you showing up to the right interview.

Moses and the Census Bureau count up all the Levites that are over 1 month old because that's the age where you've really got to stop being such a freeloader.

God then goes on a bit, reminding the COI of their debt to him because he killed all the Egyptian first born sons back in Exodus but none of the Israelites sons.

"The LORD spoke to Moses: I claim the Levites from the Israelites in place of all the oldest males who open an Israelite womb. The Levites are mine because all the oldest males are mine. When I killed all the oldest males in the land of Egypt, I reserved for myself all the oldest males in Israel, both human and animals. They are mine; I am the Lord. 

God wants to make it clear that all the oldest sons in town belong to him. Apparently, God's been a teenage girl this whole time.

Now I want you to picture this as God for the rest of the book.

Now the firstborn sons belong to him but he'll graciously let the Levites stand in for the first borns and all the first borns have to do is pay 5 shekels for the Levites service. It's a lot like hiring interns.