David's oldest son raped his own sister and faced no consequences until my new fave Absalom threw him a murder party. Absalom fled town, not knowing that David didn't actually miss his rapist son. Anyway, David has spare sons because sibling rivalry often leads to murder in royal families.
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| It's just a matter of time. |
Chapter 14:
Joab wants to see King David reunited with his son so he plots a scheme that uses David's biggest weakness against him: metaphors. He tells a woman to pretend she is grieving over one son murdering another son. She says she doesn't want her other son to die and would like David to pardon him. David agrees to do this and is not reminded of anything in his personal life whatsoever. David was never very good in English class. He does not know how to apply texts to his own life. Again, God likes his kings dumb and pretty.
Eventually, after many many paragraphs, David starts to catch on.
"'Isn't the hand of Joab with you in all this?'"
The fake widow pretends that David is a genius and compliments his perceptiveness. Joab comes out and begs David to take Absalom back. David agrees with some conditions:
"'He must go to his own house; he must not see my face.'"
Absalom agrees to avoid his parents which grown children do without having to be told. He lives this way for 2 years. In other news, the writers want you to know that Absalom is hot. Like, super hot.
"In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him."
Absalom is a rape avenging ally with flawless skin, but wait, there's more.
"Whenever he cut the hair of his head-he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him-he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels"
And he probably donated it all to cancer patients.
He has three sons and a daughter. He names his daughter TAMAR which in case you forgot from the last chapter which is reasonable because I haven't written in 3 months, Tamar is the name of his sister who was raped! Who Absalom avenged! Through murder! Remember?!
After 2 years, Absalom is over the silent treatment and sends for Joab so he can see his father. Joab ignores him so Absalom does the reasonable thing and has his field set on fire.
Joab comes to Absalom and asks: Why?
Absalom: You ignored me.
Absalom is perfection. Absalom is the second coming of Samson my hairy murder angel.
He demands to see his dad or he'll leave again, he accepts the possibility that his father will have him killed but he doesn't care because he misses his dad.
David summons Absalom: "and he came in and bowed down with his face to the ground before the king. And the king kissed Absalom."
Let's end on the nice note before things get awful again.
