Joshua 6-24

Chapter 6:

Israel destroys the town of Jericho by sending seven priests to circle the city seven times while playing trumpets. On the seventh day, the city wall collapses. This sounds like the beginning of a math problem. The prostitute with a heart of gold is spared which is a relief but I was really hoping there'd be more tension and conflict in that story line, but instead, the characters just remembered what they were supposed to do and were competent.

UNLIKE SOME ASSHOLES

Josh tells the Israelites to destroy to their hearts content, show no mercy, and save the gold and silver for God. Shockingly, someone doesn't listen.

Chapter 7:

Israel runs off to another battle to take down the city of Ai but they not successful. Josh is all "What's up with that G?" And God's all "Someone broke the rules and when that happens I punish everyone else disproportionately with death and carnage."

Josh tracks down the gold thief, a man named Achan who is very honest and stoic about his fate. As reward for his honesty, he and HIS ENTIRE FAMILY are burned alive. Also, the Israelites throw stones at them, because they are an impatient people.

Who else is thankful that they're not held accountable for their parents actions? We all would have been burned and stoned hundreds of times over by now.

Chapter 8: 

God encourages Josh to attack the city of Ai again, insisting that he totally won't let the Israelites get their asses handed to them again. The Israelites take down Ai, destroy everything, and hang the king. Happy endings all around.

Chapter 9: 

The Gibeonite people come to treaty with the Israelites, stating that they come from a far away land. As it turns out, they live in the same neighborhood. The deception pisses Josh off for some reason and he demands to know why they would lie to him.

"Ummm because we don't want to die?" -The Gibeonites

Chapter 10:

The Gibeonites are attacked and the Israelites stand by their treaty built upon lies. They do a lot of murdery stuff. The five kings of the cities flee to hide away in a cave. The Israelites find them and hang them. AND THEN...

"At sunset Joshua gave the order and they took them down from the poles and threw them into the cave where they had been hiding. At the mouth of the cave they placed large rocks, which are there to this day."

Chapter 11-12:

More conquering and murdery stuff.

Chapter 13: 

Josh gets old.

Chapter 14-21:

The Israelites divide the conquered land amongst their tribes. This goes on for eight exhilarating chapters.

Chapter 22: 

Josh sends their allies back south to their own lands. The allies build an altar on their own land. The Israelites freak out because they think it's some kind of rebellion.

"Are you INSANE?! He will murder all of us! Even the cattle!"

The allies inform the Israelites that they built the altar in honor of their connection to LORD and Israel.

"I guess that's cool." -The Israelites.

Chapter 23:

Josh informs everyone that he's dying. He asks the Israelites to please not fuck things up.

Chapter 24:

Josh brings everyone together to guilt them about all the things God did for them. I've read the book so far and don't need a summary of events every few pages so I'm just going to keep trucking along.

Josh dies without dragging it out forever unlike some people.

And guess what? With the efficiency of only two blog entries, the book of Joshua is finished!!!!!

Joshua 1-5

Chapter 1:

"No one will be able to stand up against you during your lifetime. I will be with you in the same way I was with Moses."

That's not comforting.

"I won't desert you or leave you."

Unless you disobey me then I will leave you in an unmarked grave.

"Don't be alarmed or terrified because the Lord is with you wherever you go."

Don't trust him Josh!

Josh then starts sending out orders to the Israelites who seem very cooperative.

"We will obey you in the same way we obeyed Moses."

Also not comforting. Josh is so doomed.

Side note: You know, I've been thinking about this glaring plot hole in the book. If this God character made Adam and then McRib and then those two somehow populated the world with presumably an insane amount of incest...aren't all the people on the planet the LORD's people? Why pit them against each other in wars? Why only choose one group of people as "chosen." I know the LORD character said he was jealous and angry with all the other people for worshipping "false gods" but wouldn't the Israelites have done the same thing if he hadn't spoken directly to some of them? Why not just speak to all people, show them a miracle or two and then everyone could worship him? Why does he have to build his rep like some kind of gangster? I just don't really get this character's motivation. If he's all powerful, all knowing, and all present, it seems weird that he'd be as petty and insecure as a human being. Anyway, moving on.

Chapter 2:

You guys! I don't want to get my hopes up but...I think this book is starting to have a plot again. There's even characters and dialogue!

Josh sends two spies to scout out their future land, Jericho, which seems weird because God said he'd protect them, so hypothetically they could all just continue on recklessly and fearlessly conquering more land. I guess Josh is just a bad listener. Josh sends out two spies who then stay with a prostitute named Rahab, because LORD didn't get around to forbidding the devil's three way yet. The king of Jericho is tipped off that Israelite spies are in his land so he sends word to Rahab the prostitute that she must send the men to the king. Instead, Rahab, the prostitute with a heart of gold, hides the Israelite men on the roof and cuts a deal with them. She's heard about this Gangster God of the Israelites and all the people they've destroyed. She asks the spies that they spare her family. They agree so long as when they come to rape and pillage, her family stays inside and she ties a red cord in window.

I'm sure nothing will go wrong with that plan.

Chapter 3:

God repeats his water trick for the Israelites when they cross the river Jordan. Joshua gets to relieve Moses's glory days at the Red Sea.

Chapter 4: 

One person from each of the twelve tribes puts a stone in the river once it returns back to normal to memorialize their crossing forever because they don't understand what water does to stone over time. Then, I have deja vu because this chapter repeats the exact same events we just read about. The river was parted, they crossed it, it turned back to normal, they put rocks in it. In case you forgot.

Chapter 5: 

God wants Joshua to circumcise the Israelites a second time which I hope means that they're circumcising those who were born after the circumcision party and not that the Israelites literally all have to do it a second time.  And do you know where they're holding this second circumcision party?

"He circumcised the Israelites at Foreskins Hill."

THAT IS A DIRECT QUOTE. I AM NOT PARAPHRASING. Foreskins Hill sounds like a death metal band.

After Josh is finished getting up close and personal with every Israelite skin flute, the Israelite people celebrate passover.

After celebrating the Israelites begin to march on Jericho and Josh meets a stranger with a sword. A literal one. Thankfully Joshua gets a penis break. Josh asks the sword holding stranger if he is on the Israelite side or the enemy's side.

"Neither! I'm the commander of the LORD's heavenly force. Now I have arrived!"

I mean technically that mean's he's on the Israelite's side and this heavenly soldier is needlessly pedantic. Joshua fell on his face to worship the heavenly soldier.

Josh asks: "What is my master saying to his servant?" Hoping for some meaningful words.

"Take your sandals off your feet because the place where you are standing is holy."

What. A. Prick.

I thought about ending this with a drawing of Foreskins Hill but none of us should be subjected to that. Here's a raccoon on a bike instead: