II Samuel 22-24

Chapter 22:

David gets back to his musician roots as he faces his mid life crisis to sing a song about God. We're not going to go over the whole song but here's a snippet I made for you using mine own angelic pipes for singing and angelic hands for drawing and angelic lack of shame for posting this on the internet. You're welcome.

Chapter 23: 

David is dying so it is time for him to sing a song speech about what an awesome leader he was.

" 'If my house were not right with God,
    surely he would not have made with me an everlasting covenant,
    arranged and secured in every part;
surely he would not bring to fruition my salvation
    and grant me my every desire.
6 But evil men are all to be cast aside like thorns,
    which are not gathered with the hand.
7 Whoever touches thorns
    uses a tool of iron or the shaft of a spear;
    they are burned up where they lie.' ”

TLDR: David was perfect and the evidence of that was that God kept a covenant with him. God dumps evil men and they deserve it.

Hey remember that time David committed adultery by sleeping with another man's wife he had been spying on while walking along the rooftops like pervert Batman? And remember when he made that husband go die in battle for him so no one would know?

Oh hey and remember that time he took Saul's daughter away from her husband and forced her to marry him?

And that time he ignored his daughter's incestuous rape?

Typically when a public figure dies, we all forget the bad shit they did. David is already doing that for us.

The book then seamlessly transitions to discussing David's three best warriors. One of them killed 800 people at once. That's like 2x my graduating high school class size. That's a lot of dead people for a good guy to create.

The other two murder buddies were also successful in killing Philistines says the book with no examples or details.

Once the three warriors snuck behind enemy territory just to get David a drink of water from his favorite well. Instead of saying thank you, David complains and pours the water out for his sky murder friend.  

If David's ungrateful ass ever came to my home.

Chapter 24: 

God is mad. David does a census. God is mad about that. There must be punishment for counting people BECAUSE OF REASONS. David can choose between 3 years of famine, 3 months of running from his enemies or 3 days of plague.

David chooses the plague because plagues as we all know now, are so not a big deal.

70,000 people die.

There is an angel of pestilence doing the killing which sounds very cool but the book wastes the opportunity as a passing sentence. Fortunately the internet did not let me down:

This is the only angel I want on top of my Christmas tree from now on. 

David says that only he should be punished instead. His punishment is to build an altar and have a BBQ just for God.  Then, everything is fine. Except for all the people that died. They're definitely going to have to redo the census now.

That is the end of II Samuel and of all the Samuels!

It only took around 3 years to do it. The next chapter is Kings. Let's see if we can get it done in a swift 2 years.

II Samuel 21

Chapter 21:

God causes a famine to send a message. God does not have unlimited texts, so this is his only option.  

David: What's wrong now?

God: The Gibeonites.

David: Like the monkeys?

God: No, the Gibeonites. 

David: K.

God: Saul killed them. He wasn't supposed to do that. Now, it's your problem. 

David asks the Gibeonites, who are not monkeys, but who I am picturing as monkeys regardless and no one can stop me, what they would like as reparation for all of the murder. 

"'We have no right to demand silver or gold from Saul or his family, nor do we have the right to put anyone in Israel to death.'"

They seem nice, right? 

"'What do you want me to do for you?' David asked."

"'As for the man who destroyed us and plotted agaist us so that we have been decimated and have no place anywhere in Israel, let seven of his male descendants be given to us to be killed and their bodies exposed before the Lord at Gibeah of Saul'"

They want 7 of Saul's sons to die. No daughters though. That wouldn't be a punishment. Finally, the patriarchy pays off.

David spares Mesphibosheth, the son of Jonathan, because of his totally no homo love for Jonathan. Instead, he demands the children of Saul's former concubines be killed. 

The 7 sons are put down humanely, with just a bit of impaling. They leave their bodies exposed on top of a hill. That'll teach people not to be descendants of the wrong guy. Lesson learned. 

One of the mothers, Rizpah, grieves her sons by keeping vigil over the bodies. She sits on a rock and wards off animals from the mandatory open casket funeral. Apparently, she didn't want to see her dead sons' faces eaten off in addition to the impaling. Weird how concubines love their kids too. 

David feels a touch guilty and gathers all the bones to give them a proper funeral. He also finds the stolen bones of Saul and Jonathan. Did the book mention they were stolen before? No idea. I'm not checking. Saul and Jonathan are buried too. The curse is ended as is the famine. God is a bit like a ghost haunting a house until you avenge something. God is nothing if not extra.

David tries to participate in war games and almost gets killed by a giant. His people remind him that he is old and no one wants to see an old man fighting because it is embarrassing for everyone involved. 

The Israelites fight and kill Philistine giants which should be exciting but Jesus and James make sure that doesn't happen. This book is the cornflakes of books. Sometimes there's a raisin sure, but not enough to keep me going and the longer it takes me to read this book, the soggier those flakes get. This metaphor is flawless.