Tuesday, April 2, 2019

II Samuel 11-12

Things are getting spicy in the bible again and by spicy, I mean horrifying. 

Chapter 11:

David takes a stroll along the palace rooftop because he is Batman now. He just happens to see a woman taking a bath. David likes a clean lady and also voyeurism. He asks around about her and finds out her name is Bathsheba. 



David summons and impregnates her, which is a problem because she is married. It's a problem because she is a married woman. The fact that he is married with multiple wives is not a problem, because he is a man. This is your blogly reminder that in this book, women are property and not people, which is fine. 

David sends for Bathsheba's husband, Uriah. He suggests that Uriah go home and wash his feet. I assume "washing feet" is a euphemism for "go have sex with your wife." Uriah decides to sleep on David's porch like a dog instead, because he is selfless which is no way to stay alive in this book: 

"Uriah said to David, 'The ark and Israel and Judah are staying in tents, and my commander Joab and my lord's men are camped in the open country. How could I go to my house to eat and drink and make love to my wife? As surely as you live, I will not do such a thing!'"

In order to solve the problem, David writes his military guy, Joab, a letter:

"'Put Uriah out in front where the fighting is fiercest. Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die.'"

David even makes Uriah deliver the letter to Joab. David's favorite Game of Thrones character is Littlefinger. 

The plan works. Uriah dies. Bathsheba grieves for two seconds then moves in with David and has a baby boy. David loves a fresh widow

Bible memes are a thing and I'm excited about it. 

The chapter ends with some good old fashioned foreshadowing:

"But the thing David had done displeased the Lord."  


Chapter 12:

Nathan, the Prophet, tells David a story that I'm not going to bother paraphrasing: 

"'There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him.

Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that had belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him."

David grasps metaphors about as well as hyperbole and says the rich man must die or be made to pay for the lamb four times over. Nathan explains that David is the rich man in the story which is problematic because 

1. The wife is a lamb i.e. property and 

2. The lamb is like a daughter to the poor man 

It is a flawed metaphor. 

Nathan lays down the consequences. At some point in the future, David's wives will be unfaithful to him in broad daylight with someone who is close to David. I'm hoping it's with Nathan. What are your bets? 

David admits he did wrong which is more than Saul ever did, so the Lord decides not to kill David. However, he is still going to kill Bathsheba and David's son because killing babies is the go to teaching tool in this book. 

I'm never going to stop now. 

David and Bathsheba's son gets sick. David fasts and begs the Lord not to kill the baby but the Lord needs that street cred so he's all about the follow through. After the baby dies, David stops fasting and does nothing to grieve the baby, which freaks out his servants. 

David "comforts" Bathsheba by getting her immediately pregnant again, which I'm sure feels really awesome right after giving birth then losing your baby. 

The new baby is named Solomon and God is a big fan of this baby so it gets to live for now

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