II Samuel 7-10

Chapter 7: 

King David feels guilty that God lives in a tent while he lives in a house made of cedar, the most bourgeois of the wood family.

David reaches out to Nathan the Prophet with his concerns. Who is Nathan? A prophet. They just said. Try to keep up.

David tells Nathan the Prophet his concerns so Nathan can pass those concerns onto God. Nathan is God's new receptionist.

Prophets used to seem more important in this book. Not to put down receptionists but starting from freeing slaves and performing miracles to whatever "Nathan" is doing is definitely a demotion. Also what kind of prophet name is Nathan?

Nathan passes on David's concerns about God living in a tent. God assures Nathan that he loves camping. He also passive aggressively points out that he has never needed more than that and if he did, he would have asked.

"'I have not dwelt in a house from the day I brought the Israelites up out of Egypt to this day. I have been moving from place to place with a tent as my dwelling. Wherever I have moved with all the Israelites, did I ever say to any of their rulers whom I commanded to shepherd my people Israel, 'Why have you not built me a house of cedar?'"

God does not appreciate David's attempt at anticipating his needs. Say what you will about God but he is pretty good about telling you what he wants exactly when he wants it.

God gets really sentimental and tells Nathan that he will make sure David's descendants are going to have a great kingdom and rule forever (or until democracy becomes a thing).

One of David's descendants will build the God house and God is going to keep a special eye on him:

"I will be his father, and he will be my son. When he does wrong, I will punish him with a rod wielded by men, with floggings inflicted by human hands. But my love will never be taken away from him, as I took it away from Saul'"

David is thrilled to hear God is going to beat his children with a rod and prays later to thank him. It's unclear what Nathan's purpose is if David can still talk directly to God. Maybe they want Nathan to feel like he's participating.

Chapter 8: 

Picture a montage where David fights and defeats various groups of people who do not matter (to me).

Chapter 9:

The biggest plot twist of all. David meets Jonathan's son Mephibosheth who was in the last blog entry. His plot line was actually relevant!

David wants to know if there's anyone left of the Saul family he can help "for the sake of kindness." He finds out about Mephi and his inability to walk. David wants to help him despite his grudge against the disabled community.

They bring Mephi into David's house despite David's "No Cripples" rule. David tells Mephi not to be afraid because he was "friends" with his father. Just a couple of no homo bros who made platonic covenants with each other.

David is going to give Mephi all of his father's land back, someone else will farm it, and Mephi gets to live in his cedar palace. David is finally taking care of the son him and Jonathan should have had together.

Chapter 10:

The Ammonite's King, Nahash, dies. Don't remember him? He had a real thing for eyeballs. In response to this death, David spouts some straight nonsense:

"'I will show kindness to Hanun son of Nahash, just as his father showed kindness to me.'" 

But MJ, you ask, I don't remember David ever meeting Nahash. Didn't Saul defeat Nahash, before he became King Krazy, before David was in the picture at all? Seriously, David never met Nahash in this book right? And to that I say, you know this book better than its own writers do.

David sends a couple of men to pass on his condolences so that he can honor his imaginary memories of Nahash. Unfortunately, Hanun thinks the men are spies because they forgot to bring balloons. He doesn't take their eyeballs but establishes his own kink.  He shaves off half of their beards and cuts off the their clothing "around the buttocks." Now I'm just picturing them in those onesies with butt flaps that grown adults need to stop wearing. 

You sicken me. 

When the men return to David he tells them to "'Stay in Jericho until your beards have grown'" because Jericho is where you go to heal your beard. 

The Ammonites worry that they have pissed off David, so they figure the logical solution is to escalate the situation by sending an army to Jerusalem. There is a war. David wins.

This is why you should always send an edible arrangement.