Tuesday, March 19, 2019

II Samuel 7-10

Chapter 7: 

King David feels guilty that God lives in a tent while he lives in a house made of cedar, the most bourgeois of the wood family.

David reaches out to Nathan the Prophet with his concerns. Who is Nathan? A prophet. They just said. Try to keep up.

David tells Nathan the Prophet his concerns so Nathan can pass those concerns onto God. Nathan is God's new receptionist.

Prophets used to seem more important in this book. Not to put down receptionists but starting from freeing slaves and performing miracles to whatever "Nathan" is doing is definitely a demotion. Also what kind of prophet name is Nathan?

Nathan passes on David's concerns about God living in a tent. God assures Nathan that he loves camping. He also passive aggressively points out that he has never needed more than that and if he did, he would have asked.

"'I have not dwelt in a house from the day I brought the Israelites up out of Egypt to this day. I have been moving from place to place with a tent as my dwelling. Wherever I have moved with all the Israelites, did I ever say to any of their rulers whom I commanded to shepherd my people Israel, 'Why have you not built me a house of cedar?'"

God does not appreciate David's attempt at anticipating his needs. Say what you will about God but he is pretty good about telling you what he wants exactly when he wants it.

God gets really sentimental and tells Nathan that he will make sure David's descendants are going to have a great kingdom and rule forever (or until democracy becomes a thing).

One of David's descendants will build the God house and God is going to keep a special eye on him:

"I will be his father, and he will be my son. When he does wrong, I will punish him with a rod wielded by men, with floggings inflicted by human hands. But my love will never be taken away from him, as I took it away from Saul'"

David is thrilled to hear God is going to beat his children with a rod and prays later to thank him. It's unclear what Nathan's purpose is if David can still talk directly to God. Maybe they want Nathan to feel like he's participating.

Chapter 8: 

Picture a montage where David fights and defeats various groups of people who do not matter (to me).

Chapter 9:

The biggest plot twist of all. David meets Jonathan's son Mephibosheth who was in the last blog entry. His plot line was actually relevant!

David wants to know if there's anyone left of the Saul family he can help "for the sake of kindness." He finds out about Mephi and his inability to walk. David wants to help him despite his grudge against the disabled community.

They bring Mephi into David's house despite David's "No Cripples" rule. David tells Mephi not to be afraid because he was "friends" with his father. Just a couple of no homo bros who made platonic covenants with each other.

David is going to give Mephi all of his father's land back, someone else will farm it, and Mephi gets to live in his cedar palace. David is finally taking care of the son him and Jonathan should have had together.

Chapter 10:

The Ammonite's King, Nahash, dies. Don't remember him? He had a real thing for eyeballs. In response to this death, David spouts some straight nonsense:

"'I will show kindness to Hanun son of Nahash, just as his father showed kindness to me.'" 

But MJ, you ask, I don't remember David ever meeting Nahash. Didn't Saul defeat Nahash, before he became King Krazy, before David was in the picture at all? Seriously, David never met Nahash in this book right? And to that I say, you know this book better than its own writers do.

David sends a couple of men to pass on his condolences so that he can honor his imaginary memories of Nahash. Unfortunately, Hanun thinks the men are spies because they forgot to bring balloons. He doesn't take their eyeballs but establishes his own kink.  He shaves off half of their beards and cuts off the their clothing "around the buttocks." Now I'm just picturing them in those onesies with butt flaps that grown adults need to stop wearing. 

You sicken me. 

When the men return to David he tells them to "'Stay in Jericho until your beards have grown'" because Jericho is where you go to heal your beard. 

The Ammonites worry that they have pissed off David, so they figure the logical solution is to escalate the situation by sending an army to Jerusalem. There is a war. David wins.

This is why you should always send an edible arrangement.

Monday, March 11, 2019

II Samuel 4-6

Welcome back Bible Babes. I hope you're ready for some BDSM.

I think we need a refresher. There once was a wife who wanted to have kids because breeding is of course her only purpose in life, however she couldn't have one until she made some shady dealings with God to give up her firstborn to priests. God is not unlike Rumpelstiltskin. She named her child Samuel, yeah like the chapter title. Samuel heard God's voice telling him his adopted priest family was going to die and that they did. Instead of this turning into a horror movie situation, Samuel becomes the next diplomat between the Israelites and God. The Israelites wanted a king because they were under the impression that kings care about and fight for their people.

Samuel and God weren't happy because they had seen Game of Thrones so they knew better. God decides to go the "be careful what you wish for route" and gave the people a King anyway and that king was Saul. Saul was very beautiful but also very dumb and later on very unstable. Saul kept messing up and pissing God off so God chose a new king and that king was David. David became Saul's musician and solider i.e. a bard. Saul kept trying to kill David and David kept escaping because everyone loved David, especially Saul's son Jonathan. The two kept queerbaiting the audience and I wrote fanfiction.

David promised not to kill Saul or anyone in his family because he loved Jonathan so much so that he made a covenant before God, which is a big deal. Eventually, not by David's own hand, Saul and Jonathan are murdered. David keeps killing anyone who kills Saul's family because of the God covenant thing and to make sure he has good PR.

Now Saul's other kid Ish-Bosheth is still alive and David can't kill him because of the whole God protection thing, even though God wants David to be king. It is all very stupid. All caught up?

Chapter 4:

Ish-Bosheth is worried someone is going to kill him which is a valid concern because that is what is about to happen. His own men Bannah and Reekab, repeatedly stab him in the stomach while he is sleeping. At least he dies in his sleep. Bannah and Reekab then cut off his head and bring it as evidence to David, expecting to be rewarded. Unfortunately, they didn't get the memo that David does not reward people who make his life more convenient. David kills the men then de-foots and de-hands them and hangs their bodies by a pool which really puts a damper on pool parties.

Then there is an aside about Jonathan's son, Mephibosheth. When Saul and Jonathan were killed, Meph's nurse ran off with him but fell. Now Mephy can't walk. This better be relevant later.

Chapter 5:

David finally completes his successful military coup and now it is time to rule his people for 40 years even though a previous chapter said 7 years, apparently that meant he was going to rule in Judah for 7 years. This book loves math almost as much as it loves plot holes. 

Jerusalem does not want a military leader as their king because they also saw Game of Thrones. The Jebusites of Jerusalem taunt David by saying:

"'You will not get in here; even the blind and the lame can ward you off.'"

David does not understand metaphors or hyperbole and punishes the disabled community after taking over Jerusalem, as a good leader and protagonist does.

"'Whoever would strike the Jebusites, let him get up the water shaft to attack 'the lame and the blind,' who are hated by David's soul.' Therefore it is said, 'The blind and the lame shall not come into the house.'"

David gives permission for people to commit hate crimes and says the disabled community is not allowed in his home.

Finally, Bible Team Rocket i.e. the Philistines try to mess with David and fail. I'm not getting into it again.

Chapter 6:

David wants to bring the God box to Jerusalem. During the carrying process, one man touches the ark and dies. They decide to leave the God box in storage with a family because risking the lives of your people is what good Kings do. Luckily, the family doesn't die but is actually blessed. Naturally, David wants the box back because being chosen by God isn't enough of a blessing. This time they bring the box back without melting anyone's face off.

There is a celebration and David dances around the ark. I imagine him doing the Snoopy dance.

Michal, David's kidnapped wife, watches him dance:

"And when she saw King David leaping and dancing befroe the Lord, she despised him in her heart."

When David returns home, Michal has some notes on David's dance moves:

""How the king of Isreal has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!""

Apparently David's Snoopy dance got too sexy. David responds in a calm and rational manner as any kidnapping, ableist would:

"'It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me rule over the Lord's people Israel-I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.'"

Let's break that down.

1. Bragging about how the Lord chose him over her dead father. Nice. Also, I knew you didn't care about Saul dying you lying liar.
2. David promises he's going to become even more undignified. He will not be slut shamed.
3. I bet the slave girls would like you even more if you ended slavery, David.

Once again a hero lives long enough to become a villain in this book. Maybe it was for the best that people died young back then.