Monday, February 24, 2020

II Samuel 21

Chapter 21:

God causes a famine to send a message. God does not have unlimited texts, so this is his only option.  

David: What's wrong now?

God: The Gibeonites.

David: Like the monkeys?

God: No, the Gibeonites. 

David: K.

God: Saul killed them. He wasn't supposed to do that. Now, it's your problem. 

David asks the Gibeonites, who are not monkeys, but who I am picturing as monkeys regardless and no one can stop me, what they would like as reparation for all of the murder. 

"'We have no right to demand silver or gold from Saul or his family, nor do we have the right to put anyone in Israel to death.'"

They seem nice, right? 

"'What do you want me to do for you?' David asked."

"'As for the man who destroyed us and plotted agaist us so that we have been decimated and have no place anywhere in Israel, let seven of his male descendants be given to us to be killed and their bodies exposed before the Lord at Gibeah of Saul'"

They want 7 of Saul's sons to die. No daughters though. That wouldn't be a punishment. Finally, the patriarchy pays off.

David spares Mesphibosheth, the son of Jonathan, because of his totally no homo love for Jonathan. Instead, he demands the children of Saul's former concubines be killed. 

The 7 sons are put down humanely, with just a bit of impaling. They leave their bodies exposed on top of a hill. That'll teach people not to be descendants of the wrong guy. Lesson learned. 

One of the mothers, Rizpah, grieves her sons by keeping vigil over the bodies. She sits on a rock and wards off animals from the mandatory open casket funeral. Apparently, she didn't want to see her dead sons' faces eaten off in addition to the impaling. Weird how concubines love their kids too. 

David feels a touch guilty and gathers all the bones to give them a proper funeral. He also finds the stolen bones of Saul and Jonathan. Did the book mention they were stolen before? No idea. I'm not checking. Saul and Jonathan are buried too. The curse is ended as is the famine. God is a bit like a ghost haunting a house until you avenge something. God is nothing if not extra.

David tries to participate in war games and almost gets killed by a giant. His people remind him that he is old and no one wants to see an old man fighting because it is embarrassing for everyone involved. 

The Israelites fight and kill Philistine giants which should be exciting but Jesus and James make sure that doesn't happen. This book is the cornflakes of books. Sometimes there's a raisin sure, but not enough to keep me going and the longer it takes me to read this book, the soggier those flakes get. This metaphor is flawless. 

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