Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Exodus 14-16

I've been told by a few people that the version of The Holy Bible I was reading by King James and Jesus would be missing some interesting parts so a good friend of mine gave me another one called The Common English Bible because the one I was reading really wasn't long enough. Hopefully this one will mention something about the rock monsters.

Chapter 14:

The COI are still wandering the desert and God tells his secretary Moses to go to a certain area so that they seem like they are wandering aimlessly to trick the Pharaoh. Because you see, God is going to pull the puppet strings on the Pharaoh once again to harden his heart and make him go after the Hebrews with 600 elite chariots and all the other less elite chariots that Egypt has to offer to capture...600,000 Egyptian men (not including the women, children, and cows and the cows will put up a serious fight) God specifically says:

"I'll make Pharaoh stubborn, and he'll chase them. I'll gain honor at the expense of Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD."

This scenario reminds me of something...

I think God is sort of doing the D.EN.N.I.S. method of dating with the Hebrews. God makes the Pharaoh's heart harden so he continually harm the Hebrews that way the Hebrews will rely on God to save them. i.e. when Dennis slashes women's tires so they have to call him for a ride or in a really eerily spot on analogy pretending to be an angry neighbor that calls and harasses the woman. This isn't a healthy relationship you guys.

When the Hebrews see the Egyptians coming, they start bitching about how Moses never should have saved them in the first place, how they’d be better off as slaves. Moses assures them that if they get into a relationship with God, that God will totally make these angry neighbors go away. He cries out to God and God’s all “Why are you bothering me? Just raise that fancy stick I gave you. Try some independence for once.”

Moses does this and parts the whole red sea! Waaaaay cooler trick than snake tricks, bloody rivers, and infanticide. So the COI walk on dry land surrounded on either side by a wall of water which is probably even cooler then those tunnel things they have at the aquarium. The Egyptians try to follow and when they’re far enough in, God jams their chariot wheels so they can’t turn back and he tells Moses to let the waters go and all the Egyptians straight up drown. 

All of the Egyptian soldiers die and the COI see their corpses wash up to shore and see the awesome power of their new boyfriend who they really better not piss off. 

by Brendan Powell Smith. all rights reserved "The Brick Testament" 

Chapter 15: 

The COI sing a grisly victory song in God’s name. There’s a whole lot of lines about God throwing Egyptians in the sea and their bodies sinking like stones. Here are some highlights:

Pharaoh’s chariots and his army he hurled into the sea

The deep sea covered them; they sank into the deep waters like a stone

you overthrow  your opponents; you send out your hot anger; it burns them up like straw

Then Aaron/Moses’s sister Miriam sings gets really into it and grabs herself a tambourine with all the other women. Presumably because singing the song celebrating the grisly drowning of hundreds of people with the men would be sinful. 

It doesn’t take long for the celebrations to end and for the COI to get whiny again. They have nothing to drink for 3 days until they come upon Marah who’s water was bitter. God throws a tree in the water that sweetens it up then says more stuff that sounds like something an abusive boyfriend might say: 

If you are careful to obey the LORD your God, do what God thinks is right, pay attention to his commandments, and keep all of his regulations. then I won’t bring on you any of the diseases that I brought on the Egyptians. I am the LORD who heals you.” 

As long as you don’t talk back like my ex-girlfriend did, I’ll take care of you baby. 

Chapter 16:

The COI continue to bitch:

Oh, how we wish that the LORD had just put us to death while we were still in the land of Egypt. There we could sit by the pots cooking meat and eat our fill of bread. Instead, you’ve brought us out into this desert to starve this whole assembly to death.” 

Hebrews really don’t like hiking. 

God tells Moses that he’s going to make it rain bread but they can only gather enough to last for the day. He really likes his little food tests. He tells the people that he will give them enough bread in the morning to last them for the day and give them meat at night. Moses lets them know that they shouldn’t try to save any extra, to only gather and eat what they need for the day. Some of them don’t listen, of course, and try to save the bread for the next day only to find it covered with worms. On the 6th day, God gives them enough food to last for 2 days because he is going to take a break on the 7th day, the Sabbath, and they should all take a break and stay inside too. Some people don’t listen, and try to go out on the break day to gather food and find nothing. God’s all “Why the fuck don’t they listen?” to Moses. 

Anyway this goes on for 40 years. The COI eats the special bread called Mana for 40 years. This is still preferable to 7 years of eating corn

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