Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Genesis Chapter 9 and 10

Chapter 9:

God kind of gives the same spiel he did to Adam and Eve about humans getting to rule all the beasts. Again tell that to my cat.

We can eat their meat but we can't gorge on them, abuse them, and we can't drink their blood. Drinking blood is a no no.

Any blood drinking=evil. Looking at you Ms. Meyer. Not getting around that one. You romanticized a blood drinker. I don't care if your vampires adorably and nonsensically dub themselves "vegetarians." I don't care if they're super pretty sparkly angels. I don't care if Edward has honey colored eyes and perfect bronze hair. They still drink animal blood so they're evil too. The end.

God tells Noah's family that he super seriously promises not to drown us anymore and if we see rain that he'll remind us of this promise with a rainbow which is way more adorable than a pinky swear. So remember, if there's a big storm and you don't see a rainbow, God's feeling moody and we're fucked.

It's okay! He only drowned New Orleans this time!

The first thing Noah does when he steps off the boat? Man builds a vineyard and he drinks that vineyard right up.

Noah likes to do his drinking alone, nude, and in a tent. 

Don't look at me when I'm like this.

Noah's son Ham sees his naked drinking father and tells his brothers. His brothers cover Noah up and Noah resents the shit out of it when he wakes up. So he decides that he should really curse his grandson Canaan, the son of Ham.

Let's back up a minute.

Did I miss something?

Was there a deleted scene here?

I guess there must be a deleted scene where Canaan actually does something more offensive then happen to be the offspring of a man who happened to see Noah naked. Oh no? He didn't? Noah's just a little sore that his son Ham saw him in a shameful position so he decides to curse one of Ham's sons at random? Why not all of Ham's sons? Why not some other son? Why does Noah have special cursing powers? Is Noah a witch?

This is why drunk people don't get to make decisions. They shouldn't drive cars, they shouldn't text exes, and they shouldn't curse their own descendants for an indefinite number of generations to come.

Noah blesses his other sons because he really just wants to make a point. Canaan and his descendents have to be the servents of Japheth's family who will...dwell in Shem's tents...I guess.

Noah lives another 350 years, no word on whether or not he ever attends an AA meeting. Probably not, because if his family staged an intervention, he'd curse the shit out of them.

Chapter 10: 
Guess what happens in this one? My favorite thing. More begatting.

Dear Jesus and  James, a word of advice on writing, if you're not going to bother expanding on a character or telling his story in any way, shape, or form, don't bother mentioning him. I don't care who begat who. Even Game of Thrones which has an insufferable amount of nearly identical old white male characters that you know most of barely matter, takes a moment to say like a SENTENCE about the character's hobbies or something. Make a list of houses and descendants in the back of the book if you must, but unless "Madai son of Gomer" does something worth mentioning, leave his name out of the main part of the story, because, quite frankly, I don't care about Madai son of Gomer or Kittim son of Javan or Blah Blah son of Globbity Gloop. I just don't.

I'm going to give you an example of what I'm looking for and improve upon this chapter. I hope the authors of the bible will take my edits into consideration. I'm going to make some shit up about some of the names they mentioned so that they are actual CHARACTERS that we CARE about. Here we go:

As we know Noah has 3 sons: Shem, Japheth, and bad boy Ham. 

You decide who would play who. 

Japheth has some sons who live in Shem's tents. These sons are Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshech, and Tiras. 

Japheth's tent children started the world's first circus together and all performed different acts. Gomer and Magog were trapeze artists. Madai trained elephants. Javan and Tubal did magic acts. Meschech and Tiras were clowns. They all got along very well and never drank elephant blood or tried to see their drunken grandfather naked because they knew what was good for them.
The fabulous Gomer and Magog.

Madai demonstrating the 1st elephant training methods.
Javan and Tubal
The unsettling Meschech and Tiras

One day a quirky fortune teller, named Zooey, who asks if she can join their circus. Gomer, the trapeze artist fell madly in love with her and they immediately get to begatting Ashkenaz, Riphath and Togarmah. The fortune teller Zooey decided it would be best to name their children by mixing letter blocks in a bag, dumping them out, and naming their children based on whatever order those letters happened to fall in, this is why they have such nonsensical names. Gomer thought this unusual and that they should probably just name the kids after one of his many faceless, meaningless, begatting ancestors, but Zooey was his manic pixie dream girl and he couldn't help but fall for her kooky charms. The three children continued the traditions of the circus. Ashkenaz and Riphath followed their father's footsteps by becoming world class trapeze artists and Togarmah followed after his mother and began palm reading. 

Zooey the fortune teller 
Ashkenaz and Riphath wearing the fig leaf attire of their ancestors

Javan, the magician who could throw knives very well, brought home mysterious quadruplet sons. He never explained who the mother was. He only described her as "some chick." The sons were Elishah, Tarshish, Kittim, and Dodanim. Javan let Zooey the manic pixie dream girl fortune teller name them in her method. The children all followed in Javan's footsteps of illusion except for Kittim the rebel. It was tradition to do the same circus act as your parents but Kittim longed to train the elephants as well. Kittim was not allowed to do this but set out to search for wild elephants anyway and teaches them to paint and play scrabble. 

Still no elephant scrabble pictures. Get on that internet. 

These are the descendants of Japheth who lived in the isles of the Gentiles which spread out and started up nations and whatnot.

See? You actually sort of care about the begatten spawn of Japheth now don't you? There's love, mystery, intrigue, elephants. Take notes JJ (Jesus and James) because that's how it's done.
Now, we start getting into Ham's sons and Canaan's sons and their sons and so forth.  And wouldn't you know it? It seems that even the kingdoms are begatting. Those kingdoms had baby kingdoms that spread through the land named Asshur which begat Nineveh, Rehoboth, and Calah.  And this just goes on...and on and...on. 

The authors switch right back to Canaan family people-begatting with NO TRANSITIONING WHATSOEVER.
So we're back to Canaan who's descendants are meant to be the bitches of the rest of the family apparently.
Canaan begat Sidon and Heth get the idea. I'm not making anymore family trees, charts, or circus stories. 

The Ham family is thus forth known as the Canaanites which sounds much more impressive than say "The Millers" or "The Browns." The Canaanites sound like the Romney family. They have a lot of kids and land, they're super powerful, the men would all have steely blue "I could kill you and feel nothing" eyes, and they probably wear matching sweaters for their family Christmas cards. 

They would feel NOTHING. 
And now we're onto Shem's begatting. He has lots of sons. And those sons have sons.
The sons of Noah all spread around the earth and start up nations and cities and whatnot. And begat. THE END. Until Chapter 11 where there just better be something other than begatting and lists of male names going on. 


  1. I drew elephants playing scrabble for you, but I'm not sure how to actually send it to you.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. It is finished. Sorry it took me so long to reply. I didn't see the notification.