Gensis Chapters 11 and 12

Last time, the Noah cursing Canaan thing was really bothering me, so I looked into it a little bit. There are some theories circulating on the internet that Canaan or Ham might have taken advantage of drunk Noah in his tent in some way.

If this is actually the case, I take back the mean things I said about Noah's drunk logic. Cursing your date rapists is a totally logical response if that is something you're capable of doing.

I have also heard that the Noah movie has rock monsters.

This wasn't in my edition.

Here is what I'm wondering. Do I have the wrong version of the bible? Am I missing out on the uncensored, sexier, version of the bible? Is my 3 Harry Potter book lengths of a book actually a SHORTENED version? Does someone have the version with rock monsters I could borrow?
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Chapter 11:

Everyone on Earth used to speak the same language which was very convenient and helped people to get stuff done efficiently. Because they're so good at teamwork, they decide to build a tower to heaven. God doesn't seem to approve of this efficiency because HE's the efficiency guy. That's HIS thing. Also he probably didn't want humans to be able to just knock on his door whenever they felt like it. He gets to call on people out of the blue for epic God missions not the other way around. So God scatters people and confounds their language.

Begatting happens. Names are listed. Nice names like Arphaxad and Peleg. Names you might want to name your children because you want to give them meaningful literary names. Until one day your child asks you:

 "What does my name mean?"

"It's from the bible. It's very important and literary."

"Yeah but what did Peleg do?"

"He begat."

And that's all you can tell them, because that's all the bible told us. End of Peleg's epic journey.

So more begatting and name listening happens until we get to Abram and not some chick but Sarai! And do you know why Sarai gets her name acknowledged? Because Sarai is barren and she interrupted the begatting train that's why.
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Chapter 12: The Abram family lived in Haran which is also the name of Abram's dead brother which is very confusing and required me to read the passage a few times over. So Abram and the gang live in Haran, the place, not the dead brother, until Lord God drops in on his brain to tell him to take his family and get out of his father's house. Abram has to move away but he'll get a nation to himself so it's a pretty sweet deal. Also he gets to be blessed which never ends badly for bible characters. Never ever.

It's all smiles and Happily Ever Afters for these guys. 

So Abram takes his wife Sarai, his dead brother's son Lot, and "the souls that they had gotten in Haran" i.e. slaves, on a road trip to Canaan i.e. Sodomyville.  God says the land belongs to Abram now. Abram shows his gratitude by building an alter and keeps it up by moving to new places and building more alters.

Abram's alter building road trip is interrupted by a famine, so Abram and the gang take a break in Egypt. Abram is a sharp guy and notices his wife Sarai is super fine. So fine that Egyptian men might kill Abram to get a piece. So, the logical thing to do is to tell people that Sarai is merely a sister and let any Egyptian men who might want a piece to go on ahead. That way Abram remains perfectly safe. Sweet deal right Sarai? Oh you don't think so? Guess you shouldn't have been barren then.

Abram and the gang aren't in Egypt very long before the Pharaoh notices just how fine Sarai is and decides to take Sarai into his home. Abram gets a nice set up because he brought such a fine lady to the Pharaoh. He gets "sheep, and oxen, and he asses, menservants, and maidservants, and she asses (superior to he asses), and camels."

The catch is Sarai isn't really a single lady and Lord God doesn't approve of bringing non-single ladies into your home so Lord God lets the Pharaoh know this by sending a few plagues his way. Not for the rape thing but for the adultery thing, that's what really gets Lord God peeved. So Abram and Sarai entrap the Pharaoh and get him plagued. Lovely couple.

I'd like to imagine that the Pharaoh responds with a:

He miraculously doesn't murder Abram and sends the lovely entrapping couple away to continue on their merry entrapping way.