Sunday, November 13, 2016

Judges 4-6

Chapter 4:

This is the best chapter in a long time. The Israelites fuck up again though the book doesn't specify how. Jabin King of Canaan rules over them cruelly for twenty years. The King's army commander, Sisera, has 900 chariots which is probably a lot though I have nothing to compare it to, it sounds like a lot. The Israelites call out to their sky daddy for help.

The Israelites get a lady leader! Deborah, a prophet, rules over the Israelites and sorts out their disputes. She even has a husband, Lappidoth, but it doesn't sound like he matters and his name is ridiculous. Deborah orders a man named Barak to take ten thousand men to Mount Tabor and she will lead the King's army commander, Sisera and his impressive number of chariots into their hands. No one's asking Deborah what her husband thinks should be done for the Israelites because Deborah's husband isn't a prophet. Barak decides to be a coward and says he will only go if Deborah comes along. Her response:

"Certainly I will go with you," said Deborah. "But because of the course you are taking, the honor will not be yours, for the LORD will deliver Sisera into the hands of a woman."

Barak's army goes up against the King's and kills every last man except for Sisera who fleas to an ally's tent. The ally is away but the man's wife, Jael, is there. Jael tells Sisera not to be afraid, to come on in, and gives him a blanket.

He asks for water and she gives him milk because she's bad at listening. Women right? Sisera can tell he's really going to have to break down directions for this one:

"'Stand in the doorway of the tent,' he told her. 'If someone comes by and asks you, 'Is anyone in there?' say 'No.'"

Jael is super bad at directions though because once Sisera falls asleep, instead of protecting him, she takes a tent peg and hammers it into his temple.

Tits out for murder ya'll. 

Barak passes by the tent and Jael, cold as ice, goes out to meet him. "I will show you the man you're looking for." and presumably Barak never questioned a female again because these ones are terrifying.

Chapter 5:

Barak and Deborah sing a song about the events we literally just read about.

Chapter 6:

The Israelites start worshipping other gods because they have the worst memories imaginable. They are punished with the Midianites invading. The Israelites call out to their sky daddy once again to bail them out and God starts lecturing though it's not clear to who. It's a lot of "I brought you out of Egypt blah blah blah I gave you everything blah blah blah you still can't figure out the not worshipping other gods part of the bargain."

I will say, I haven't always been the biggest fan of Lord in this book. His relationship with the Israelites seems unhealthy, like an abusive ex boyfriend. Still, he totally keeps saving their asses now with little punishment and all he's asking for is acknowledgment that he's real and the other gods aren't. Exodus/Leviticus/Numbers Lord would have tortured the Israelites for what they're doing but Lord just seems a little defeated now. Is he a little insecure and obsessed with recognition? Sure. But why are the Israelites worshipping other gods all the time? Are they just addicted to worshipping things?

Lord picks another judge, Gideon, and sends an angel to go talk to him. Gideon has some questions.

"Pardon me, my lord," Giden replied, "but if the LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, 'Did not the LORD bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the LORD has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian."

Lord's response: "The LORD turned to him and said, 'Go in strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?'"

Literally doesn't answer the question.

Gideon has more questions and I am concerned for his safety.

"Pardon me, my lord," Gideon replied, "but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family."

Lord's response: "'I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites, leaving none alive.'"

Still doesn't answer question.

Gideon Martha Raddatz doesn't stop questioning and asks God to perform some God-like stuff. The angel-phone sets fire to a rock which is enough evidence for Gideon. Lord is a big fan of fire. Gideon builds an altar for Lord called "The LORD is Peace" because he hasn't read the bible. Lord sends Gideon to destroy the altar of one of the new hip gods Baal. The townspeople are pretty pissed off and demand that Gideon be killed. Gideon's father Joash defends his son "If your god is real he can kill his own enemies without your help." Someone should probably let Lord know that.

No comments:

Post a Comment