Judges 7-9

Sorry I've been away so long. Everything fell apart at the same time, but that's okay. I'll grow and learn from my mistakes unlike the Children of God who continue to make the same mistakes over and over again no matter how creative Lord gets with his unmerciful punishments. 

If you don't remember what happened last time. Read the last blog.

Moving on.

Chapter 7:

Gideon, the new judge is supposed to lead the Israelites to battle against their new rulers the Mideonites. Lord gets real show offy. 

"The LORD said to Gideon, 'You have too many men." 

Lord doesn't want the people of Israel believing they won based on their own abilities or numbers. It's important that they rely on him and not have too much self worth (Crazy-Ex Boyfriend alert). Lord says that any Israelites afraid to fight can go. Twenty two thousand cowards head home but Lord still thinks there are too many men left over. God's like that guy in the movies who looks at a room full of men and says "You're going to need more men" and the men are skeptical but we as an audience know that the single guy has super powers or really good killing skills and we're really excited to see the room full of men look foolish and murdered. That is called dramatic irony. In case you were wondering. 

God

"There are still too many men. Take them down to the water, and I will think them out for you there." . . . "Separate those who lap the water with their tongues as a dog laps from those who kneel down to drink." 

God sends the ones who slurp directly from the river home keeps the ones that lap water up like dogs. God hates slurpers and loves dogs. Finally we have something in common. 

Gideon the only Lord skeptic who doesn't immediately get murdered for his skepticism, is skeptical about their chances of winning. Lord sends Gideon to the Midianite camp to spy. Just as Gideon gets there two Midianite men discuss their dreams. 

"Gideon arrive just as a man was telling a friend his dream. 'I had a dream,' he was saying. 'A round loaf of barley bread came tumbling into the Midianite camp. It struck the tent with such force that the tent overturned and collapsed.' 

What I expected the other man to say: "Hmm what a weird pointless dream. Not sure why you felt the need to share that with me." 

What the other man actually said: "This can be nothing other than the sword of Gideon son of Joash, the Israelite. God has given the Midianites and the whole camp into his hands." 

It can be nothing other than that? Really? Barley bread=your enemy and tent=you? What dream symbolism book are they reading? Is Gideon's nickname Barley Bread? This has not at all been established in the plot. 

Gideon stops being skeptical. He is so confidant that they will win the battle that they are the least amount of cautious. 

"Gideon and the hundred men with him reached the edge of the camp at the beginning of the middle watch, just after they had changed the guard. They blew their trumpets and broke the jars that were in their hands" . . . "they shouted, 'A sword for the LORD and for Gideon!' . . . "When the three hundred trumpets sounded" . . . "the men throughout the camp turn(ed) on each other with their swords."

To recap: Gideon and his men play trumpets, smash things, and shout just when the Mideonite side switches to a fresh, well rested new guard. But apparently, trumpets are the Mideonites secret weakness because once they heard it, they turned on each other. So intense was the Mideonite's hatred of trumpets, that they had apparently made murder-suicide pacts with one another should they ever have to hear the sound of them. 

When the battle is won, Gideon's men capture the Midiante leaders Oreb and Zeeb. They kill Oreb and the rock of Oreb and they kill Zeeb at the winepress of Zeeb. At least they died close to the things they loved enough to name after themselves. 

Chapter 8: 

Gideon and his men keep on with their murderous road trip. I've lost track of who they still need to murder. I guess just anyone who isn't an Israelite. Gideon and his men stop in a town called Sukkoth and demand free food, no pleases are involved. 

The town responds with a "Why should we?"

And Gideon's all:

"'I will tear your flesh with desert thorns and briers'" as one does. 

Gideon and his men go to another town, Pineal, demanding more free food. They are freeloaders. 

Pineal also says "no" and Gideon's all: "'When I return in triumph, I will tear down this tower.'"

I wonder how well the Gideon method could work for me to get free food at restaurants. 

"Feed me or I will tear this shit to the ground. God is on my side." 

Lookout Village Inn. 

Gideon catches up to some kings he wanted to murder. He demands that his child son Jether kill them. Jether is not up to the task, possibly because he is a child. If you wanted a murder child you probably shouldn't name them Jether. If you would like a gluten free liberal arts major, name them Jether.  

Gideon's birthday card message to his son.

The Z&Z Kings feel so awkward about the situation that they suggest that Gideon just goes ahead and kills them considering he's a grown man and the whole murder thing was his idea in the first place. 

After all the murdering is done, the Israelites are free again (for now). They ask Gideon and his family to rule over them. Gideon says that he will not rule over them, God will. He'll just be the messenger. And by that he means he will still essentially rule over them but if they don't like what he's doing, just blame God, not the messenger. 

The Israelites get 40 whole years of peace before they start to screw it up again. 

Chapter 9: 

Some undisclosed amount of time after Gideon's death, his 70 sons rule over the people of Schechem because Gideon wouldn't waste an ounce of sperm. One of Gideon's sons, Abimelek, suggests to his his mother's family that they help him murder his other brothers to simplify leadership. This is why you should masturbate. Once you hit 10+ kids, one is bound to be a mass murderer. Abimelek is what Jether could never be. One brother escapes the massacre, not Jether, but Jothman who might as well be a Jether in my mind. If you're taking the time to cast these people in your head, feel free to just picture the surviving brother Jothman just the same way you pictured Jether. That's what I'll be doing.

Jether/Jothman/Whogivesashit

Jothman survives by hiding in a tree probably because he was hugging it just moments before. He later goes on top of a mountain and tells the people some kind of allegory story to teach them that what they did was bad and stuff. Also, the fact that Abimelek mother was a slave seems to be a problem, even though all the Israelites are descended from slaves. Semantics. The people are not convinced by Jothman's allegory story, probably because he was all the way up on a mountain and they couldn't actually hear him. 

Jothman continues to do what he's good at and runs away. He runs away to a town called Beer. I do not know if this is a metaphor. 

God puts a pause on that "free will" thing he gave to humans to manipulate the emotions of the people so that they won't get along with Abimelek. They decide to overthrow Abimelek. Lots of murder and betrayal and arson happens and the bible manages to make it read like a terms and conditions contract. Eventually the battle comes down to Abimelek and his men outside of a tower in a town name that doesn't matter. Abimelek sets the tower on fire which worked for him in the past but this time a woman drops a stone on his head, cracking his skull. While his brains pour out of his skull, Abimelek manages to keep his priorities in order with his dying breath: 

"Draw your sword and kill me, so that they can’t say, ‘A woman killed him."

Please add to my agony by running me through with a sharp object, so that people won't say I was killed by a girl? Fuck, that is some serious commitment to sexism.