Sunday, February 12, 2017

Judges 10-12

Chapter 10:

If you remember from the last few entries, Lord and the Israelites like to play this weird game. The game goes like this, the Israelites can't resist worshipping other gods. Lord gets cranky about it and lets another nation of people enslave the Israelites . The Israelites are suddenly really sorry and Lord sends them a judge i.e. one of their own people to fight a war with the new nation of enslavers until the Israelites are free again long enough to forget why it is they keep getting enslaved, and go worshiping other gods once again.

Question: The fuck is wrong with the Israelites? Do they like being slaves? Why are they so addicted to worshiping gods? No one has this vice. No one has ever had this vice. I could see getting lazy about following all of Lord's rules and maybe not getting around to all those burnt offerings but actively worshiping other gods?

It's possible Lord is just on high alert for cheating due to his crippling insecurities. Maybe the Israelites are simply clumsy and trip and fall to their knees in front of false god statues and Lord's all "THAT'S IT THEY'RE DOING IT AGAIN."

The chapter begins once again with the Israelites worshiping other gods or maybe they tripped.

Lord: "Hey Phillistines and Ammomites? Looking for cheap labor?"

Israelites: "We're really sorry this time"

Lord: "Why don't you get your fancy new gods to save you then?"

Israelites: "Can we maybe argue about this later?"

It seems Lord has become a big softie because he doesn't even plague anyone or maybe he's out of plaguing ideas.

Chapter 11:

Lord sends the Israelites another Judge to save the, Jepthah. Jephthah the Gileadite was a mighty warrior. His father was Gilead; his mother was a prostitute and as we know, prostitutes don't get names in this book and neither do most of the women. Jepthah's brothers ran him out of town because they didn't want some half brother taking their inheritance. Not every cheating man can be a Ned Stark.

Something exciting seems like it's about to happen and I got my hopes up because it's been awhile since I've cracked open this book of disappointments and I forgot to shield my heart from further disappointment.

"So Jephthah fled from his brothers and settled in the land of Tob, where a gang of scoundrels gathered around him and followed him."

What's that? Scoundrels? Is Jepthath Snow going to get into a scoundrel fight? Is he going to lead them? Perhaps joining what some might consider to be a wild people in unity to stop the greater forces of evil?

Deleted scene from a more interesting Holy Bible.

"Some time later, when the Ammonites were fighting against Israel, the elders of Gilead went to get Jephthah from the land of Tob."

That's the next sentence. Are parts of my book missing? Are there literal plot holes in my book? Fuck me for getting my hopes up.

So Jepthath's pos brothers ask him to come back and fight for them as their commander and ruler against the Ammonites because he's a mighty warrior and apparently they forgot mighty warriors might come in handy from time to time when they ran him out of town.

Jepthath asks some reasonable questions:

"Didn't you just kick me out? You only come to me when you're in trouble?"

"Yeah pretty much. We cool?"

"Are you really going to be nice this time?"

"'The Lord is our witness; we will certainly do as you say.'"

And we all know we can totally trust the Israelites to never break a promise to God.

Then Jephthah Snow gets about commanding by sending whiny letters:

"Then Jephthah sent messengers to the Ammonite king with the question: 'What do you have against me that you have attacked my country?'”

The King: "It was our land first. You guys took it."

Jephthah Snow: "God gave us the land."

The King: "signed off."

The authors word words poorly and tell us that the spirit of the Lord came on Jephthah Snow and with that "spirit" J Snow leads his people against the Ammonites. He prays to God and promises that if God helps the Gileadites/Israelites defeat the Ammonites that when he gets home, he'll sacrifice whatever comes out of the door of his house when he returns home as a burnt offering to Lord.

Now how the fuck would that go well Jephthah Snow? Are you looking to murder your fam and blame it on a vow? Do you honestly think a farm animal appropriate for guilt free sacrificing is going to open your door and come out of your house?

What she said. 
The Israelites defeats the Ammonites and when Jephthah Snow returns home, his only child, his daughter, comes dancing out of his house to join the victory celebrations. J Snow is devastated because Jephthah Snow he is no nothing. My theory is that he was actually a father who didn't want a daughter.  

Then Jephthah Snow explains to his daughter that he made a vow and his daughter is totally cool with it because this book was written by men who have never interacted with a teenage girl:

"“My father,” she replied, “you have given your word to the Lord. Do to me just as you promised, now that the Lord has avenged you of your enemies, the Ammonites. But grant me this one request,” she said. “Give me two months to roam the hills and weep with my friends, because I will never marry.

"The only really tragedy is that I didn't live long enough to cash in my v-card" said the teenage girl who lives in a world where she has no other purpose.

The no name daughter wanders around in the hills with her pals crying over her virginity and not once do they make a teenage movie "We're all getting laid by prom" pact. As a reader assumed that this is another sick twisted God test like he played on Abraham and his son then:

"After the two months, she returned to her father, and he did to her as he had vowed. And she was a virgin."

Chapter 12:

Some people called the Ephramites get mad at Jephthah Snow for not asking for their help in the battle against the Ammonites and threaten to burn down his childless house.

Jephthah Snow: "We called and you didn't come."

J Snow's one sentence truth comment was enough to start a war. This situation used to be a thing I got to make fun of as ridiculous until November 8, 2016.

The Gileadites destroy the Ephramite's with zero build up or tension and play super fun word games with the survivors.

"The Gileadites captured the fords of the Jordan leading to Ephraim, and whenever a survivor of Ephraim said, “Let me cross over,” the men of Gilead asked him, “Are you an Ephraimite?” If he replied, “No,”  they said, “All right, say ‘Shibboleth.’” If he said, “Sibboleth,” because he could not pronounce the word correctly, they seized him and killed him at the fords of the Jordan. Forty-two thousand Ephraimites were killed at that time."

Killing survivors because of their funny foreign accents. Ha ha. Classic.

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