Judges 13-16

13: The book doesn't even bother to explain how the Israelites messed up this time. They are now enslaved by the Philistines. At this point, the Israelites could have a slavery montage.

Manoah has a barren wife. Names of women in this book are generally unimportant. The only information the authors deem necessary is whether or not a penis has been inside of a woman or a baby has come out of her. I shall be referring to Manoah's wife as Infertile Myrtle. Infertile Myrtle was going about her nameless, babyless life when one day an angel appeared to remind her that she’s both barren and childless because angels are redundant. The angel tells soon to be Fertile Myrtle that she will become pregnant. He then proceeds to order her around:

“ ‘Now see to it that you drink no wine or other fermented drink and that you do not eat anything unclean. You will become pregnant and have a son whose head is never to be touched by a razor because the boy is to be a Nazirite, dedicated to God from the womb. He will take the lead in delivering Israel from the hands of the Philistines.’ “

To clarify, Fertile Myrtle does not know that this man is an angel. For all she knows, some stranger tells her she’s going to get a baby in her, she better not drink and she better not ever give the kid a haircut. Only by staying sober and allowing her son to look like Sasquatch, will her people escape slavery.

Trusting Fertile Myrtle tells Manoah of her encounter.

“ ‘A man of God came to me. He looked like an angel of God, very awesome. I didn’t ask him where he came from, and he didn’t tell me his name. But he said to me, ‘You will become pregnant and have a son. Now then, drink no wine or other fermented drink and do not eat anything unclean, because the boy will be a Nazirite of God from the womb until the day of his death.’ ”

An awesome looking stranger who might be an angel told me I'm going to have a baby. He also told me to stop drinking.

If everyone in this book thinks it’s fine to drink while pregnant, then maybe the one child not born with fetal alcohol syndrome would seem to be chosen by God.

Manoah prays to the Lord to give him instructions on how to raise the baby. God hears his message and sends the angel to reiterate the same three instructions.

“ ‘The angel of the Lord answered, “Your wife must do all that I have told her. She must not eat anything that comes from the grapevine, nor drink any wine or other fermented drink nor eat anything unclean.She must do everything I have commanded her.’ ”

Your drunk wife couldn’t remember three instructions huh?

Manoah then offers the stranger food. The angel tells him to burn it as an offering to Lord instead. Manoah asks the man’s name.

“ ‘Why do you ask my name? It is beyond understanding’ “

Is it really that hard to pronounce?

Manoah and Myrtle burn food for God and the angel shows himself in the flame. They both freak out and fall on their faces which sounds like something drunk people might do. Manoah is sure that the angel will murder them. Myrtle is pretty chill about it and says they wouldn’t put them through all that just to kill them presumably because she has not read this book.

Myrtle turns out to be right and they have their hairy baby free of murder...so far.

14: We Need to Talk about Samson

We skip right to puberty Samson who gets a crush on a Philistine woman which if you remember is the enemy. Samson doesn't know how to flirt yet and instead goes full Veruca Salt on his parents.

“ ‘I have seen a Philistine woman in Timnah; now get her for me as my wife.’ “

Rather than slapping their hairy child, they try to plea with him:

“ ‘Isn’t there an acceptable woman among your relatives or among all our people? Must you go to the uncircumcised Philistines to get a wife.’ “

1. Samson might be a dick but I don't blame him for not wanting to bang his relatives.
2. Manoah and Myrtle's concern is not "Her people enslaved us" but "Her people have foreskins, gross."

Samson: “ ‘Get her for me. She’s the right one for me.’ ” i.e. She isn't my cousin.

The authors tell us a secret in parenthesis as to why Samson is being so salty. Lord is speaking through Samson to fulfill a prophecy and Lord doesn’t say please.

Samson goes down to meet the Philistine lady with his parents. Why would her parents allow her to be married off to the hairy child of the slave class? Because reasons.

On the way, a young lion came roaring toward Samson and “The Spirit of the Lord came powerfully upon him”

And then: “he tore the lion apart with his bare hands as he might have torn a young goat. But he told neither his father nor his mother what he had done. Then he went down and talked with the woman, and he liked her.”

1. He tore the lion apart with his bare fucking hands.
2. The author’s analogy is “as he might have torn a young goat.” Is the author able to tear goats up easily? Is the author confusing a goat with a block of cheese?
3. “But he told neither his father nor his mother what he had done” They were walking together. Continuity is not this book's thing.
4. “Then he went down and talked with the woman, and he liked her.”
5. Oh, I'm glad the Lion Ripper found love. That's what I was really worried about.
6. Samson is going to be a serial killer.

Sometime later, Samson goes back to visit his nameless Philistine lady to marry her and on the way: “he turned aside to look at the lion’s carcass, and in it he saw a swarm of bees and some honey. He scooped out the honey with his hands and ate as he went along.”

I repeat, serial killer.

Also, the authors understand neither goats nor bees.

“When he rejoined his parents, he gave them some, and they too ate it. But he did not tell them that he had taken the honey from the lion’s carcass.”

During the wedding, Samson wagers a bet that the Philistines can’t solve his riddle in seven days. If they do, he’ll give them all 30 pieces of linen garments and 30 sets of clothes. If they don’t, he gets 30 pieces of linen garments and 30 sets of clothes.

The riddle:

“ ‘Out of the eater, something to eat;

   out of the strong, something sweet’ “

Uhhh that's not a riddle, that's a sociopath's inside joke with himself.

For three days the Philistines couldn’t figure out the riddle because who the fuck would? On the fourth day, they tell Samson’s wife to figure it out for them or they’ll burn her and her father’s household to death. The Philistine’s take fashion very seriously.

The wife’s strategy is to have a meltdown:

“Samson’s wife threw herself on him, sobbing, ‘You hate me! You don’t really love me. You’ve given my people a riddle, but you haven’t told me the answer.’ ” . . . “She cried the whole seven days of the feast. So on the seventh day he finally told her.”

Anything to get her to stop nagging. Women amiright?

On the last day, the Philistine’s solve the riddle:

“ ‘What is sweeter than honey?

   What is stronger than a lion?’ ”

And Samson loses it:

“ ‘If you had not plowed with my heifer,

   you would not have solved my riddle.’ ”

Um, does he refer to his wife as heifer?

“Then the Spirit of the Lord came powerfully upon him.”

Then Samson went a murdering. He killed 30 people and took their clothes. Like I said, serial killer.

When Samson returns to his father’s home after his murder tantrum, he discovers that his wife has been given away to his companion because in this book, you can just give women away because they are merely nameless baby vessels.

This book has some really questionable morals. Thank goodness it's only fiction that only adults would read and not take too seriously.