Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Numbers 4-6

I am sorry for the month long hiatus. I am trying to be ambitious and prepare for grown up things right now and it hasn't left a lot of time for whatever this is. But I will try to do better for the 1-2 people who might have noticed my lack of posts and were genuinely disappointed. I'm hazy on what happened most recently, but if I had to guess, it probably involved contradictory rules that don't make any sense. Onward.

Chapter 4: 

People from different families are going to be assigned to carry stuff from the meeting tent. They are going to do this because the Israelites are going on a road trip. Aaron and his sons must prepare the things by covering the things up because if the other people see them with their worthless peasant eyes, they'll die. BECAUSE REASONS. People have very specific things they are supposed to carry. OR ELSE. Here's a taste of how exciting this chapter was for me:

"When it's time to break camp, Aaron and his sons will enter and take down the screening curtain, and they will cover the chest containing the covenant with it. Then they will place a covering of fine leather on it. They will spread a whole cloth of blue over it, and they will set its pole in place. They will spread a blue cloth on the presentation table and place on it the plates, the dishes, the owls, and the container for the drink offering. The usual bread will be on it. They will spread on them a red cloth, cover it with fine leather, and set its poles in place. They will take a blue cloth and cover "....this goes on.

Chapter 5:

"The LORD spoke to Moses: Command the Israelites to send out from the camp anyone with a skin disease, an oozing discharge, or who has become unclean from contact with a corpse. You must sent out both male and female. You must send them outside the camp so that they will not make their camp, where I live among them, unclean."

TLDR? God's a total germaphobe. He wants them to kick out all the sick folks before they they for the next place. I thought he was all powerful but he's apparently helpless around cooties.

Next, there's a section about what to do with a woman accused of adultery. Basically, if a husband gets jealous, EVEN IF HE HAS ZERO PROOF OF ANYTHING, he brings his wife to the priest. The priest throws some dust from the ground into some water and makes her drink it. It is called "the water of bitterness."

If she is guilty, her uterus will drop it likes it's hot, or as the bible puts it: "(her) womb will discharge and make (her) miscarry."  Sooo if she happens to have a particularly heavy period, or if her husband had happened to impregnate her and it didn't go well, she's fucked.

There's no mention of what happens if a woman gets jealous of her husband potentially committing adultery. That must come later right?

Chapter 6: 

This section is about men or women who want to be Nazirites, who I guess are just more special and more dedicated to LG. Can you guess what it takes? If you guessed giving up fun stuff and following arbitrary rules,  you'd be correct!

Things Nazirites can't do:

  • drink wine
  • drink brandy
  • consume wine vinegar
  • consume brandy vinegar 
  • drink grape juice
  • eat grapes
  • eat raisins
  • shave
  • cut their hair
  • go near corpses-if you do, you have to shave your head and kill some cute animals

Sooo are the Nazis somehow connected to this? Were they big fans of this book? If so, I don't remember them having crazy long hair or beards, so if that's what they were going for, they really sucked at it. 

LG has Aaron say something nice to the people for once: 

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace." Unless you fuck up the slightest minute detail of one of my hundreds of rules of course. 

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