Sunday, June 21, 2015

Numbers 7-10

Chapter 7:

God gets presents from all the chiefs. One chief comes a day and brings some gifts. There are many chiefs. There are many gifts given. Nothing cool though. Just like dishes and farm animals and stuff. This was before gift cards. I would have given God this:

Chapter 8:

The first section of this chapter is titled "The Lampstand" and it's about as exciting as you would expect.

After all the lampstand action, the Levites are offered up to God in a ram butchering and burning ceremony. God loves BBQs. God reminds everyone that the Levites are owed to him since he killed the Egyptian first born sons and no Jewish ones. Well done, God. We really owe you for not killing the children of the people whose side you said you were on.

Remember in Guardians of the Galaxy, how that blue guy was always reminding and guilting Starlord about being nice enough to not eat him when he was a child? God's kind of like that.

"Normal people don't even think about eating someone else, much less, that person having to be grateful for it."

Chapter 9:

You know that friend who just keeps telling the same stories over and over and who would never admit it if you tried to call them out on it? This section reviews the Passover rules. Lots about eating the right kind of bread on the right kind of day and being clean and not touching dead bodies in this section.

The COI go on a road trip through the desert and are led by a magical cloud. The cloud leads them on when they need to move and holds still over the area that they need to make camp at. Magical cloud eh? So....Moses first met God as a burning bush and God's a magical cloud leading them around? 

Chapter 10: 

God has Moses makes some trumpets to signal the people and God and stuff.

To illustrate the situation, Moses, the trumpet musician, must now lead his people to follow a magical cloud through the desert.

Why is everyone so uptight? This sounds like a great time.

Moses goes to talk to some guy name Hobab the slutty Kebab who isn't so sure about this music festival. He'd rather go back home and be a slave again. Moses says that the COI could really use his help in the desert finding their way, even though all they actually have to do is follow the cloud. Why is it that Hobab knows the desert any better than anyone else? Wasn't he also just a slave back in Egypt? Do the slaves get a study abroad program in order to become more well rounded and cultured slaves? Anyway, Moses promises Hobab that if he sticks by the COI and God, that God's totally going to bless him and the Land of Milk and Honey is going to be sick. Hobab gives in. I'm sure we'll hear about Hobab again and get his origin story straightened out soon and that this little exchange was in no way a pointless waste of time and plot.

Anyone else miss the sodomy and incest sections? When's that coming back?

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