Thursday, May 29, 2014

Genesis Chapter 4

So the chapter starts out with Adam "getting to know" McRib. "And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bore Cain"

That's a helluva a way to get to know someone. Usually I just shake hands and chit chat about the weather and where they're from, and other small talk I hate.

Adam's super psyched that he got a "man" from God, so Adam doesn't waste anytime and gets himself a second man from God via McRib's fig leaf covered bits. This man is named Abel.

Abel gets the peaceful, lazy job of sheep herder and Cain has to till fields. The baby always gets it easy.

Who looks like they're having more fun?

Cain brings an offering from his farming to God and Abel, like the unsufferable one upping little brother he is, brings God some lambchops. Everyone knows lamb chops are going to beat out vegetables so Cain never stood a chance. God has zero respect for Cain's offering so I'm guessing they must have been brussel sprouts or turnips.

Cain is disappointed and God's all "you mad?"

Cain and Abel have a brotherly chit chat in the field then Cain decides it's time to slay his little brother.

God shows up and is all "Hey where's my favorite kid?"

Cain says "Am I my brother's keep?" Which I can relate to because I always used to have to babysit my little brother and that can make you a little resentful but the worst thing I ever did was trip him sometimes when he annoyed me.

God's all "I can hear your brother's blood crying to me from the ground."

So Cain buried the body which tells me he honestly thought he could get away with this. First of all Cain, didn't Adam and McRib tell you that your family is terrible at getting away with things? Secondly, as far as I can tell, there's only 4 people on the planet now. Well, 3 living ones and now 1 dead one. This is hardly going to lead to an episode of CSI. Your parents know that they didn't do it, so which suspect does that leave? You Cain, just you. I sympathize with your irritation over little brothers but you have very poor judgment and you should have just settled with tripping Abel and maybe playing pranks on his sheep.

God falls back on his favorite punishment of cursing. Cain says this punishment is too harsh and guilts God in a way that only a teenager can by ranting that he has to be a vagabond, and fugitive, and the kids at school are totally going to make fun of him forever now. In this case "making fun of" means killing. God gives in because teenager rants are difficult to withstand and says he'll give Cain a special mark so no one will mess with him. If anyone does kill Cain, they'll get karma back 7 times over.

I'm unclear what this mark looks like so we'll just say it's kitty whiskers

Cain goes and dwells, as teenagers do, in the land of Nod. I guess there are other people on the planet now so Cain "gets to know" a lady friend whose name isn't worth mentioning and gets a son named Enoch.

At this point a lot of descendents "get to know" each other and a lot of characters are listed without any description of them. I think we should review: McRib and Adam have Abel and the Cain. Cain "gets to know" some chick and makes Enoch. Enoch "gets to know" some chick and has Irad. Irad "gets to know" some chick and has Mehujael. Mehujael "gets to know" some chick and has Methusael and Methusael "gets to know" some chick and has Lamech. I would like to point out that the Adam sperm must be heavy in the Y chromomes and his family line has a real habit of having kids with women whose names they don't know. Anyway, Lamech actually knows the name of his ladies which is why he gets 2 of them. Ada and Zilah. Ada and 2 boys (shocker) Jabal and Jubal which I imagine led to a lot of confusion because those names sound way too similar.

Jabal has tent and cattle people babies while Jubal fathers the deadbeat musicians or the "harp and organ people."


Zillah, Lamech's other wife, has Tubalcain whose hobbies include iron and brass making and Holy Crap she actually has a girl, named Naamah.

So, Lamech, the lucky one with 2 lady friends, kills some young guy who's name also apparently doesn't matter. Now, Lamech's cursed 77 times over because 7's a thing. Killing is a hobby for the Cain line. I imagine their family game nights are pretty vicious.

Back to Adam and McRib. They give kid making another go and hope they don't produce anymore murderers. The result of their attempts is yet another son named Seth. Seth is probably fine with basically being an only child after hearing about his brothers.

Seth is less evil than Cain but I think it's pretty easy for Seth to be good since he doesn't have to deal with any sibling rivalry nonsense.

Seth gets right to making babies with a nameless woman and adds another son to the Adam McRib line named Enos. 

I feel like a family tree is necessary to clear up all the confusion.

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