Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Genesis Chapter 3

So the chapter starts out with a snake and McRib having a chat about McRib's dietary restrictions.

McRib isn't allowed to eat from the special tree presumably because if she does, it'll go straight to her thighs. The snake suggests that she'll be just fine and she should go for it.

Can I just say that it did not take McRib long at all to give into temptation? She didn't even hesitate. God's all "Hey I made you and I made everything for you guys including this kickass paradise and  you control whales. Do you understand that? You have dominion over everything. You could totally ride a whale.  So could you just do me this one single solid and not eat from this ONE tree?"

This COULD have been YOU.

And Adam and McRib are all "Yeah, sure."

And ONE serpent says "Oh, hey, you should try eating from that tree."

And McRib doesn't even have a moral quandary with this. She doesn't bat an eye. She just shrugs and says "Sure, I'll give it a shot." I could forgive this if there had been even a suggestion that she's been longing for this tree thing for awhile but she hasn't because she's only existed for about 2 seconds and in those 2 seconds I'm pretty sure she didn't give a damn about that tree, but the moment she's reminded of it, she's just all "Sure, I'll risk death. This serpent seems legit." 

And do you know what McRib risks death for? An apple. Guys. A fucking apple. What was she eating before that made an apple so tempting? Gruel? Mushrooms? Brussel sprouts? I thought they lived in paradise with awesome things to eat all the time? This is not the Willy Wonka food paradise I was picturing. 

So McRib passes the gateway fruit to Adam who also doesn't even fucking hesitate and remind her like "Babe, remember like 2 seconds ago when God asked us not to do this one thing?" But no. Stupid Ribgiver just eats the apple too.

The apple makes them very paranoid all of a sudden. And now I understand why the apple is so addictive. The apple makes them self aware of the fact that they're naked which I guess they hadn't noticed before. They are ashamed and hear God walking around the gruel garden and sew up some fig leaf lingerie for themselves and hide.

God asks Adam why he's hiding. Adam tells them that they are ashamed which I can understand. I wouldn't want my landlord to see me naked either but God is displeased.

"Hey! Who told you were naked? I didn't put any mirrors in this garden."

So they have to own up to eating the mind altering apples. Actually Adam tattles on McRib in less than a heartbeat. McRib blames it all on the snake. So God takes away the snake's legs to teach it a lesson. This explanation for the absence of snake legs is much less complicated than this one.

God then moves on to punishing McRib and says that her and the snake will be enemies now because they don't play well together.

"And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel." 

God talks about seeds and bruised heels for a bit and I am sensing a double entendre.

God curses the woman even more with child birth and now her husband has to rule over her even though he didn't resist temptation any longer or better than she did.

This is what you get for eating apples.

God then threatens Adam and tells him that he has to be a farmer now and get all sweaty and actually work for his food. He has to eat bread which I guess God thinks is a punishment because he's not a fan of carbs. 

God doesn't kick them out without first making them some nice skin coats. Then, just in case Adam and McRib try to turn back and jump the gate, God invests in some fire sword wielding cherubim security for Eden.

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