Genesis Chapter 2

Okay the first chapter of Genesis was pretty action packed. Everything got made and there's been a lot of foreshadowing that things may not be good anymore. Let's find out what happens. 

...God takes a break.

We find out that God has two names. "LORD God."

"And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life"

That's not how you perform CPR. 

"And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food"

At this point, I'm picturing the candy garden in Willy Wonka.


God can't even take a real break on his day off. God is a workaholic and starts making a fancy garden called Eden. Now they describe Eden but there's no map. Every fantasy novel should take the time to map out their fantasy land. So I went ahead and did it for them if James and Jesus ever decide to rerelease the book, they're welcome to use this:

"And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads. The name of the first is Pison:that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold; And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone. And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia."And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates."  


"And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it." 

God makes man his gardener.

"And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden though mayest freely eat:"

He doesn't mean that. God is Willy Wonka. It's a set up. He's just waiting for you to get too friendly with the chocolate river.

"But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, though shalt not eat of it: for in the day that though eatest thereof though shalt surely die." 

See? Chocolate river. At least God isn't vague about the consequences. "You will surely die." Pretty straight forward. I mean it's not like it's a Blue Beard secret door that you're tempted to go through because you don't know what's in it. God's all "Oh hey there's this poison tree that I put in my Sim City paradise garden for some reason. You eat it and you're dead. Got that?"

"And the LORD God said, It is not good that man should be alone" 

Honestly, good call Lord God.


"And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them." 

God makes Adam some zombie pets and lets Adam do the naming this time which explains why all animals don't have one syllable names.


 "And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs"

God drugs Adams and steals some body parts.

"And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from the man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man."

My ancestor

God makes a woman for Adam who I assume will name her McRib.

"And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."

Adam's cool with the stolen Rib and names McRib "Woman." I'm going to go ahead and keep calling her McRib. Adam gave birth to her which kind of makes him like a sea horse I guess.

  "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." 

First of all, "cleave"? Least sexy term for that ever. So men and woman become "one flesh" again I guess because she misses her rib family from time to time and wants to get as close to them as possible which begs the question-why aren't our genitals closer to our rib area?